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Will Durst Cancelled

Comedian and Westside Observer columnist Will Durst, suffered a stroke in early October while preparing to go onstage for the 60th Anniversary of the San Francisco Mime Troupe and has since returned to the ICU to be treated for an infection during his recovery

His wife, Comedian Debi Durst said “He’s doing ok, his brain has to re-boot itself and re-install more than a few apps.”

“While the process has been difficult,” she said, her husband is generally in good spirits and doctors are optimistic he will make a full recovery. Durst has been maintaining his usual wise cracks from his hospital bed, imploring the nurses to bring him a decent cup of coffee. Since the stroke, for the first time in 30 years, the 67 year-old Durst was forced to cancel upcoming shows.

Debi’s first reaction was to keep the stroke incident among family only, to assure a restful recovery, especially to social media.

“I didn’t want a pity party, I didn’t want people to think he’ll never work again,” said Durst, “I just wanted him to be left alone so he could recuperate and get as much rest as possible.”

The annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show tour — a 26 year tradition Debi Durst says will go on this year, as usual, but sans Will Durst in the line-up.

We at the Westside Observer and our readers, send our best wishes for a speedy recovery.

Durst Presents: The Big Fat Comedy Kiss Off”: 8 p.m. Dec. 22. HopMonk Tavern, 224 Vintage Way, Novato; 8 p.m. Dec. 27. Firehouse Arts Center, 4444 Railroad Ave., Pleasanton; 8 p.m. Dec. 28. Lesher Center for the Arts, 1601 Civic Drive, Walnut Creek; 7 p.m. Dec. 29. Rhythmix Cultural Works, 2513 Blanding Ave., Alameda; 8 p.m. Dec. 30. Coastal Repertory, 1167 Main St., Half Moon Bay; 6 p.m. and 9 p.m. Dec. 31. Theatre on San Pedro Square, 29 N San Pedro St., San Jose; 7:30 p.m. Jan. 1. Throckmorton Theatre, 142 Throckmorton Ave., Mill Valley; 7 p.m. Jan. 3. Pleasant Hill Senior Center, 233 Gregory Lane, Pleasant Hill; 8 p.m. Jan. 4. Raven Theater, 115 North St., Healdsburg; 7:30 p.m. Jan. 5. Cobb’s Comedy Club, 915 Columbus Ave., S.F. Ticket prices vary by venue. For more details, go to willdurst.com

December 2019

BLOW THAT WHISTLE.

This White House breathes chaos. They’re like one of those Vaudevillian plate spinners who isn’t happy until all the plates come crashing down to the ground. The attraction consists of the cast kicking through the detritus, which is always loud and cacophonous.

But even given that standard, the current state of disarray is breathtaking. Staffers are quitting, subpoenas are being issued; terms like “treason” and “civil war” are being bandied about. This is more than your run of the mill ordinary pandemonium; this is super- exceptional pandemonium, like a monkey in a tuxedo juggling bayonets. On a unicycle. In hell.

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The president responded by saying the whistleblower was like a spy, and in the old days, they knew how to deal with spies. Suggesting we execute witnesses to his crimes; isn’t that an impeachable offense as well? He’s stacking ‘em up like 747s circling O’Hare after a surprise blizzard the day before.

This latest chapter in mayhem and bedlam occurred in the wake of a whistle blower coming forward to claim Donald Trump attempted to shake down a foreign leader to interfere on his behalf in the next election, which is so illegal even Vladimir Putin was impressed.

Holding hostage an arms shipment that Congress had already approved, the President first asked a favor of Vlodomyr Zelensky, the Ukrainian president; not- so- slyly intimating the arms would be released only if the Ukrainians were able to dig up some dirt with an investigation of Joe Biden’s son, Hunter. And Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, Kamala Harris, whoever you got. Marianne Williamson, not so much.

Trump also threatened to keep Vice President Pence from making a state visit unless ball was played, which is a weird form of intimidation. Keeping Mike Pence from coming to your country doesn’t sound very menacing. More like a reward. As a matter of fact, next time the stable genius might want to promise Rudy Giuliani and William Barr would stay equally far away. Might provide more leverage.

Despite previous confusion, Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo, was listening in on the very phone call, records of which were diverted to a super secret server that stores other calls and documents that make the president look bad. So, it must be one hell of a server. Maybe a warehouse in Bethesda?

The president responded by saying the whistleblower was like a spy, and in the old days, they knew how to deal with spies. Suggesting we execute witnesses to his crimes; isn’t that an impeachable offense as well? He’s stacking ‘em up like 747s circling O’Hare after a surprise blizzard the day before Thanksgiving.

Trump doesn’t deny the call with Zelensky and released a transcript maintaining that the conversation was “perfect and beautiful.” And because we’ve gone through this process for 33 months, we all know how the rest is going to play out. He’ll say even if he did it, many people are saying there was nothing wrong with it. There will be stonewalling. He’ll say plenty of other people did the same thing, especially Obama.

He’ll increasingly attack the accuser, threaten lawsuits and call the scandal just another partisan witch- hunt, which further exemplifies the larger conspiracy against he, the best president in the history of ever. And during all these predictable machinations, he’ll continue to distract the public by offering up other tantalizing morsels for public and media consumption.

Maybe he’ll finally release his tax returns or leak photos from the night he spent with Stormy Daniels or start a war. But we all know how it’ll turn out. He’ll blame Hillary. And then break more plates.

Copyright © 2019, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former assistant manager at a Radio Shack. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst.com.

November 2019

HOW THEY SPENT THEIR SUMMER VACATION.

Alert! Alert! This is a test. This is only a test. A test of the Congressional Re-Arrival Warning System. Residents of the District of Colombia should remain on the lookout for male and female politicians walking the streets disguised as normal citizens. Although expert at camouflage, they can be recognized, notably by the crisp lines of their plumage, consisting mostly of dark business suits, but also by the incessant habit of spending every waking hour dialing district donors for dark dirty dollars.

The second week of September traditionally when all 535 members of the 116th Congress reconvene, ostensibly refreshed for the arduous 33 days of work scheduled between now and Thanksgiving.

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Caution: Do not approach or attempt to interact with these seemingly mild-mannered bureaucrats, as they are often irritable and unpredictable after spending lengthy periods amongst family and constituents, depending on which vacational ventures were undertaken.”

Caution: Do not approach or attempt to interact with these seemingly mild-mannered bureaucrats, as they are often irritable and unpredictable after spending lengthy periods amongst family and constituents, depending on which vacational ventures were undertaken.

Fortunately, through a complex network of research grants, internet searches and educated guesses, we here at Durstco were able to determine the recreational activities engaged in by many of America’s movers and shakers these past couple of months and are proud to present them now in a feature we like to call: HOW THEY SPENT THEIR SUMMER VACATIONS.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell went to vocabulary camp, learning how to say “no” in 23 different languages.

Vice President Joe Biden traveled to Switzerland for a charisma implant but, alas, his system rejected it and the donor died.

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren binge-watched all 8 seasons of Game of Thrones. But didn’t get it.

President Donald Trump managed to bring his golf handicap below his body temperature for the first time since contracting malaria. Malaria, not Melania.

Vice President Mike Pence spent a lot of time being seen reading the Bible in the presence of his wife.

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders held a series of mock debates with himself and lost to Kamala Harris every time.

Former Congressman Mark Sanford hiked another Appalachian Trail where he was hit by a bolt of Republican lightning.

Donald Trump Jr. took a hurricane-tracking course in order to better advise his father.

National Security Advisor John Bolton got his talons sharpened.

Beto O’Rourke spent 3 weeks in physical therapy learning to talk with his hands stapled to the outside of his thighs.

Wisconsin Congressman James Sensenbrenner achieved higher consciousness after two weeks in an Oneida sweat lodge.

Eric Trump was sent on a month-long snipe hunt by White House handlers.

Andrew Yang practiced casting a reflection in a mirror.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi had a sleep-over at Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s house and the two got into a pillow fight resulting in 2 broken lamps and a quick trip to the emergency room.

Cory Booker added Antonio Brown to his fantasy football team.

Marianne Williamson presented a spirited defense of her Summer League Competitive Yoga title.

Tom Steyer built a phone tree filled with recalcitrant billionaires.

Amy Klobuchar organized sensitivity training retreats in various yurts around northern Minnesota.

Mayor Pete Buttigieg baked and froze a series of casseroles for the South Bend Indiana Police Lodge’s Annual Autumn Pot-Luck Dinner.

And finally, Melania, not malaria, Melania Trump wandered the Northern Mediterranean Coast scoping out possible new rich daddies for Barron.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former bus boy at the Bright Angel Lodge in Grand Canyon. Columns, commentaries and personal appearances please visit willdurst.com.the Improv @ Harvey’s Lake Tahoe, visit willdurst.com.

October 2019

SOFT TISSUE RACIST

What a long hot lousy stinking summer. We’ve spent so much time sending thoughts and prayers to Gilroy and El Paso and Chicago and Virginia Beach and Dayton and even Toledo, there’s hardly been time for ice cream and barbecues and theme parks. Who can relax with everybody so focused on being Strong?

Fireworks are out of the question as the horrific spate of mass shootings has the entire country recoiling from any and/ or all loud noises, and yes, that includes the strident denials by the president that his vitriolic rhetoric has anything to do with riling up the racist element often referred to as his base. We’re not saying all Donald Trump supporters are lethally ignorant racists, just that most lethally ignorant racists are Donald Trump supporters.

In response he said, “I don’t think my rhetoric is racist at all. As a matter of fact, I think my rhetoric brings people together.” And it has proven to be effective in bringing white supremacists together with immigrant victims.

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45 went on to blame video games, the internet, mental illness and all sorts of things, somehow neglecting to mention the word “guns” at all, while claiming the only true answer to this disturbing spray of terror is his desperately needed immigration reform. Yep.

Under intense pressure from vulnerable GOP congressional candidates, Trump did manage to mumble something about racism being bad. Of course, his words might have been easier to understand if he had taken off the hood.

45 went on to blame video games, the internet, mental illness and all sorts of things, somehow neglecting to mention the word “guns” at all, while claiming the only true answer to this disturbing spray of terror is his desperately needed immigration reform. Yep. Everything is always all about the wall. Except Mexico paying for it.

Although blaming mental illness, Trump also failed to mention it was he who got rid of Obama’s regulation that kept people who received Social Security checks for mental illnesses and deemed unfit to handle their financial affairs from buying guns. Probably just slipped his mind. That’s one slippery mind.

Also interesting to note; many people hearing Donald Trump accuse hatred and mental illness for being responsible for the madness pointed out to their televisions in varying degrees of intensity, “you, that’s you, you’re talking about you.”

What nobody mentions about this 2nd Amendment brouhaha, it’s not the guns so much as the bullets that are the real problem. Guns don’t kill people, bullets do. They are the things that put the holes in the body making the blood leak out way too quick.

Trump declared he doesn’t have a racist bone in his body, so the general consensus is- must be his soft tissue. And that’s a lot of soft tissue. Can’t wait for the upcoming announcement by the president that there is no room in his administration for racists because all the slots have been filled by his family.

He expressed confidence he could work out a deal with Congress on “meaningful background checks,” but Moscow Mitch McConnell has gone Full Turtle pulling his head into his shell and refusing to encourage or discourage any optimism. Which is his way.

Suspicions run rampant they’re both counting on the 116th Congress returning from recess on the Monday after Labor Day and being distracted by the umpteen other catastrophes, calamities and cataclysms that will surely arise before their arrival, once again making this issue as dated as the fashions worn by trustees at the Asylum of Charenton. Which in 1814 played a role similar to… Congress.

Copyright © 2019, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former CETA documentarian in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst.com.

September 2019

THE SPHINX SPEAKS.

Breaking his two-year vow of silence, Special Counsel, professional Boy Scout and part time monk, Robert S. Mueller III, took time from his busy schedule of transitioning to the public sector and spoke to the country for almost ten whole minutes. And we were honored.

Part of the thrill is to finally know what the man sounds like, as this was the first time he’s spoken to the press since his appointment. Too bad we can’t say the same thing about the major subject of his investigation. 

It’s pretty obvious the hastily arranged press conference was designed to keep Democrats from calling Mueller to testify on Capitol Hill about his investigation. He just wanted to remind, we the people, of the report’s salient points. And the fact that the Attorney General, William Barr was out of town probably didn’t hurt.

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...there is nothing else to add, at all, ever. In other words, he asks the questions pard’ner, he don’t answer them.”

Mueller knows that most of America would rather dive into a piranha tank wearing a raw meat bathing suit than slog through the 448 pages of his investigative gobbledy-gook so he grasped this opportunity to give the world the Reader’s Digest Condensed Version, highlighting the sticky bits.

He maintains the report is his testimony and there is nothing else to add, at all, ever. In other words, he asks the questions pard’ner, he don’t answer them. Which is fine, because Bob Mueller is not the most colorful speaker in the world. The man is so dry, when he talks, little puffs of dust fly out of his mouth. 

It was never a fair fight. Robert Mueller is the ultimate ‘by the book’ guy who believes in playing by the rules. Whereas Donald Trump believes the rules are meant to be broken and has never read a book. 

A particular phrase from the report was emphasized, “if we had confidence the president didn’t commit a crime we would have said so.” Boom, there it is. The essence of the whole thing condensed to a single line. Too complicated for you? He said if they thought the president was innocent, they would have said so. But they didn’t say so. Ergo…

He also said Donald Trump’s conduct warrants an investigation, which he wasn’t able to do, because of a justice department policy that prohibits charging a sitting president with a crime. If he could have, he would have, but he couldn’t, so he didn’t and there you go, Congress. No pressure.  

They’re still deciding whether to subpoena Mueller to testify in front of Congress, but the former FBI Director’s desire to sit in front of a doubly hostile crowd of half angry Democrats and half angry Trumpsters appears to be between zero and you-got-to-be-freaking-kidding.

Mueller doesn’t want to testify. The Attorney General refuses to co-operate. Nobody from the administration is turning over requested documents. The White House is expanding executive privilege to pizza delivery orders. Congressional Democrats must be developing a complex.  

Responding to the sideshow, the president tweeted “I had nothing to do with the Russians helping me win the election.” Oops. Then he said that wasn’t what he meant and people are picking on his every word. Well, yeah. You’re the guy in charge. Every word matters. Perhaps this is just one more reason why, traditionally, the presidency has not been an entry- level position.

Copyright © 2019, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former movie reviewer for the UWM Post. For past columns, commentaries and calendar of personal appearances: willdurst.com.

JULY 2019

INTERNET PRIVACY.

Internet privacy. Forget about it. It’s another of those oxymorons you hear so much about; like gluten-free dim sum or fully satisfied Game of Thrones fan or Donald Trump’s Modern Guide to Etiquette and Manners. You got a better chance of finding a pod of humpback whales in your office cubicle than online security.

And the greatest threat in this confidentiality crisis is Facebook, the information octopus that disguises its sticky tentacles with cute kitten videos and pictures of grandmas blowing out birthday cake candles while it records your every keystroke. Every “like” of every post. Your favorite porn gif.

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The Mueller Report detailed how Russian trolls used Facebook’s analytical tools … By the time the accounts were deactivated in 2017, 126 million Americans had been exposed to, well, no other way to describe it than…fake news.

The situation has become so alarming, co-founder Chris Hughes called for the company to be broken up. Mark Zuckerberg says no need for that: he’s learned his lesson and promises to be good from now on. And we can trust him, right? Because he’s only lied about every privacy issue that’s ever emerged so far. Ever.

The Mueller Report detailed how Russian trolls used Facebook’s analytical tools to flood America with fraudulent groups and ads for the single purpose of opposing Hillary Clinton. By the time the accounts were deactivated in 2017, 126 million Americans had been exposed to, well, no other way to describe it than…fake news.

Remember when Facebook admitted to manipulating posts to gauge our emotional response then sold the research data? They’re still doing it. We’re just lab rats to them. But even lab rats get some cheese. Hey Facebook, keep your cookies: how about some cheese?

The standard defense is we signed on when we signed up, but you’ve seen those user agreements. Nobody reads them. It’s doubtful the people who write them, read them. Lawyers speaking in a language solely understood by other lawyers. And even then, only occasionally.

The agreements are longer than the migratory path of a monarch butterfly and in a font so tiny it would make a flea squint. So we scroll to the bottom and click “accept.” And if we wake up two weeks later in a bathtub full of ice with a scar where our kidney used to be, well, them’s the breaks.

And the internet never forgets. Check out a piece of hardware, then decide you don’t need it. Doesn’t matter, because… boom, there it is. On every website you visit for the next six months. Follows you around like a haunted fungus. Suddenly everybody is having a sale on a festive array of red white and blue plastic bull semen inseminators. Don’t ask.

We got no one to blame but ourselves. It’s too late to put this genie back in the bottle but there are going to be plenty of other bottles to worry about. Universal facial recognition is right around the corner. Although some of us are lucky enough to have faces no one wants to recognize.

You think its creepy when Facebook tags us in photos we didn’t post; wait till they develop an algorithm in which we’re the villains in videos where the hero ruling over the Seven Kingdoms bears a striking resemblance to Mark Zuckerberg.

Most importantly, we got to learn not to post anything on social media we don’t want prospective employers or mothers-in law or IRS agents to know about. Back everything up. With hard copies. Cloud storage is fine, until it rains. And there’s a storm coming.

Copyright © 2019, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former co-owner of a sandwich shop called Crummies in Waukesha, Wisconsin. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst.com.

JUNE 2019

FAQ: THE MUELLER REPORT.

Q. What just happened?
A. After 675 days, 19 lawyers, 40 FBI agents, 500 search warrants, 2800 subpoenas, 13 requests to foreign governments for evidence, Robert Mueller delivered his report to the Attorney- General, William Barr, putting the investigation to rest.

Q. With no new indictments?

A. Nope. Just the 34 already filed, with 8 guilty pleas including the president’s former lawyer, first national security advisor, former campaign manager and a slew of top aides.

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… the Special Counsel stepped to the plate, swung and missed. Three times. On collusion, conspiracy and obstruction. The Mighty Mueller has struck out.

Q. And what was the overall impression of the final report?

A. To commemorate the opening of the baseball season, it seems fitting that the Special Counsel stepped to the plate, swung and missed. Three times. On collusion, conspiracy and obstruction. The Mighty Mueller has struck out.

Q. How have Republicans responded to this apparent vindication of the President?

A. The entire Party is performing little pirouettes of joy, toasting each other with champagne, caviar and cigars, while visions of sugar plums dance in their heads.

Q. And the Democrats?

A. Oooh. Sad. Don’t look. They’ve wilted like freshly cut lilies placed in the back window of an 82 Mustang at the Wisconsin State Fair the second week of August.

Q. Would you say they’re disappointed over the revelations or lack thereof?

A. America has become accustomed to historical incidents where the buildup far exceeds the actual event, like the Comet Kohoutek, George McGovern, Michael Jordan’s baseball career, Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark, the jetpack, Star Wars- Episode 1, Theranos, Season 2 of True Detective, the Galaxy 7, Ryan Leaf, Google Glass, Y2K and the Edsel.

Q. Not to mention your comedy career?

A. Was that absolutely necessary?

Q. I ask the questions. So where would this particular disappointment rank?

A. Near the top. Somewhere between Geraldo Rivera’s unveiling of Al Capone’s Vault and Howard the Duck the movie. But Democrats are used to it.

Q. Didn’t Mueller himself say this probe is not an exoneration of Trump’s possible obstruction of justice?

A. Yeah, but nobody knows exactly what that means, since we only have William Barr’s 4 page summary of a report that may be thousands of pages long.

Q. What will Barr agree to release?

A. Trump’s newly appointed Attorney- General doesn’t look like he’s inclined to release anything more than a few heavily redacted prepositions and maybe a random conjunction or two, patting Congress on the head, saying “don’t worry, nothing to see here. Just move along.”

Q.Will House Democrats go gentle into that good night?

A. You’d have a better chance of seeing piles of sand replace furniture in the next Architectural Digest spread on the living rooms of Houston oil executives.

Q. And the mood of Donald Trump?

A. The President is near delirious, hopping around like a leprechaun, chanting “no collusion, total vindication” over and over in the manner of a parrot with Tourette’s Syndrome.

Q. Has he changed his tune on the Special Counsel?

A. Indeed. Instead of “a prosecutor gone rogue, aligned with his gang of angry democrats,” now he’s a noble man who has done the country a great service.

Q. So they’re good buddies now?

A. Wouldn’t be surprised if he invites Mueller down to Mar- A- Lago for a few rounds of golf.

Q. Would he still cheat?

A. Probably. Might give him a discount on greens fees though.

Copyright © 2019, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former car valet at the Milwaukee Athletic Club. For past columns, etc, visit willdurst.com.

May 2019

THE STATE OF THE UNION AFTERMATH.

The president gave a pretty good facsimile of a normal speech the other day during which he presented 5540 of his best words using his indoor voice. He didn’t rattle unhinged or erupt into paroxysms of fire breathing rage or seem blinded by paranoia. Well, not too much, anyway. He even got clapped at by Nancy Pelosi.

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One of his least controversial moves was coming out against childhood cancer. Wow. Really going out on a political limb there, eh?... He talked a lot about kids, but not one word about putting them in cages.”

Indeed, he did boast of inflated accomplishments, made grandiose predictions and not less than a couple of exorbitant claims but that’s all part of the grand tradition of the State of the Union Address. That’s what a SOTU is. Time to preen and strut and prance and flounce. Everybody does it. Even Jimmy Carter.

What everybody normally doesn’t do is threaten the opposition party by saying that the authorization of any “partisan investigations” might cause the country to go to war. Sounds more than vaguely like an extortion threat. Obviously something he picked up from his good buddy, the publisher of the National Enquirer. Or maybe something he taught the unfortunately named David Pecker.

It was the same- old, same- old- he says something and all the members of his party stand but the other party doesn’t- sort of thing. While behind him, the frosty tension between Vice- President Mike Pence and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi could have been cut with an al dente strand of spaghetti.  

At one point, the 45th President of the United States bragged about more women serving in the 116th Congress than ever before, ignoring the fact that out of 127 female representatives, 106 are Democrats. Most of them clumped together wearing white, to symbolize the 100th anniversary of the 19th Amendment being passed. A stark visual contrast to all the white men on the other side of the aisle.

One of his least controversial moves was coming out against childhood cancer. Wow. Really going out on a political limb there, eh? Can’t wait for your next position paper on flesh- eating- bacteria. He talked a lot about kids, but not one word about putting them in cages.

Other things he failed to mention were the Government Shutdown. Vladimir Putin. Mitch McConnell. Maria Butina. Jamal Khashoggi. Michael Cohen. Paul Manafort. Kim Kardashian. $2 trillion added to the national debt. Handing the EPA over to oil and coal industries. Fox News pulling his strings. His paternity of a resurgent white supremacy movement. School shootings. Global warming. Subpoenas. Pardons. Tax returns. And the Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Dropping a preemptive strike onto the 2020 Democratic campaign, the former real estate developer lashed out against socialism somehow linking Bernie Sanders to the economic meltdown in South America. And he’s right. Venezuela and Vermont do have a lot in common. Well, they both start with V. He may or may not make America great again, but using communist scare tactics indicates he’s certainly attempting to make America the 50s again.

Finally, he called for civil discourse. You read that right, Donald Trump called for civil discourse. The guy who refers to Representative Adam Schiff by replacing the “F”s in the man’s last name with “T”s called for civil discourse. Which is like a man working in a sewer all day complaining someone spilled coffee on his shoes. Or a rabid wolverine telling the rabbits they should dial it down.

Copyright © 2019, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, former ditch digger. More: willdurst.com.

March 2019

AFTER XMAS GIFT WISH LIST.

Way past time to congratulate the baby Jesus on the anniversary of his birth but especially for blessedly ending all those annoying unending ads for the Christmas sales only to be replaced by all those annoying unending ads for the after-Christmas sales. A major difference being -much fewer jingle bells on the soundtracks.

It’s also a relief to have the traditional holiday music stuffed back into the poisonous mistletoe vault, meaning we’ll have to wait nine whole months to hear the same thirty songs sung by the same thirty dead white men. And Nat King Cole.

As we throw the last shovel full of dirt on the most festive of seasons and kick the dried-out fir tree to the gutter, it is our self-imposed, public-service task here at Durstco to right the many wrongs perpetrated by the corpulent bearded cisgender male in the scarlet suit on his global flight.

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Apparently Santa had some holes in his bag and a few folks didn’t receive the gifts they so richly deserved...

Apparently Santa had some holes in his bag and a few folks didn’t receive the gifts they so richly deserved. A little mistake we would like to rectify here with WILL DUR$T’$ AFTER XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T.

At least the After-Christmas sales will make the purchasing of said items more bargainy. And by delaying another week or so, we could dovetail into President’s Day sales. What with the government shutdown, every penny saved is a penny earned. Earning a couple hundred or so could buy us a cup of coffee. Not a latte, but still.

For Kellyanne Conway: a red, white and blue muzzle.

For General James Mattis: an all-expenses paid vacation to the relative calm of Damascus, Syria. 

For Melania Trump: not a designer coat, but a new coat designer.

For Nancy Pelosi: a whip, a gun and a chair.

For Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III: a cold dish of revenge.

For Sarah Huckabee Sanders: a round-trip ticket on the clue train.

For Michael Cohen: a poster to hang in his cell that reads “What Happens in Jersey Stays in Jersey.”

For Mitt Romney: a cape and pair of tights to help him single-handedly save the Republican Party.

For Kamala Harris: some of Hillary Clinton’s excess testosterone.

For Donald Trump and Roseanne Barr: two pairs of those Chinese finger traps for their thumbs.

For Ivanka Trump: a fully furnished pied-a-terre in the Seychelles.

For Jared Kushner: the same kind of family reverence his father showed his uncle.

For Kanye West: a new hat.

For Brett Kavanaugh: Clarence Thomas’ primer on how to question Supreme Court litigants.

For Mike Pence: a strobe light, so at press conferences, he can at least give the appearance of movement.

For Elon Musk: A years’ supply of whatever medicine they give kids with Attention Deficit Disorder.

For Bernie Sanders: a series of bushes to lurk behind for the next two years.

For Rudy Giuliani: a case of mint-flavored shoelaces for the multiple occasions he puts his foot in his mouth.

For Joe Biden: a 55-gallon drum of patience.

For Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador: a wall to control our immigration. 

For Rachel Maddow: a nice blue sweater.

For Ruth Bader Ginsburg: two six-foot spools of industrial strength bubble wrap.

And finally for the American People: total gridlock of the 116th Congress. No harm, no foul.

Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former concert reviewer for the Milwaukee version of the Bugle-American. More: willdurst.com.

February 2019

THE LOUDEST HOLIDAY.

Hey everybody; you know all that anxiety that’s been building up? Well, just let it go and relax now, because the 4th of July is here. The Great American Holiday. The one with the noise and the colors and the hot. Now, it is summer. That’s what the 4th is. Not just the day we celebrate the anniversary of the birth of the best country in the history of the world but also the heart of the season of light.

No matter what the astronomers tell us, it’s not the solstice that signifies the beginning of our season of mayhem. Not in America. Its 0704, thirteen days later, when kids run amuck while parents drink beer out of cans and fall off of patio furniture. When families squeeze into minivans and travel long distances to get into fights over the logistics of eating fries at Mickey D’s and burgers at the King.

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And have a happy birthday America, you great-looking country, you. May be going through a tough patch here. But you know what they say; tough times never last, but tough countries do. And you probably hear this a lot but you still look pretty good considering you’re 242 years old.”

It’s when the senses are heightened. The smell of cut grass, the grip of a pair of sneakers, the sound of children playing volleyball on the beach, the tickle of butter from a roasted cob of corn dripping all the way down your arm to the elbow. The thunk of a Frisbee on the back of the head. The piercing cry of a loved one as they discover sand in the bed.

It’s a holiday that transcends normal political persuasions; a frozen moment in time when white wine sipping, NPR listening, Prius driving, Birkenstock wearing hippies stand shoulder to shoulder with country western listening, pickup truck driving, cowboy boot wearing, Coors Lite chugging rednecks, both groups clutching tiny American flags in a small town square watching a parade of bicycles with red, white and blue bunting woven through the spokes.

It’s beauty queens waving from the back seats of convertibles. And kids swinging on a tire tied to a tree over the bank of a pond. Slip and slides. Burnt marshmallows. Not getting dark til nine. It’s people deciding that any piece of clothing they can squeeze into, fits.

It’s the loudest holiday as well with marching bands and fireworks and the sizzle of burger fat dripping on the coals. The tinny mantra of a baseball game on an AM radio, wafting down from a porch. Motorcycles revving down the highway in packs. Politicians barking new promises through old bullhorns.

Have yourself one heck of a terrific summer and make it last. Swim and swing and swoon. Take long walks on unfamiliar paths. Buy a new chaise lounge. Watch or better yet, play a game of slow pitch softball. Char some flesh, either animal or your own or both.

Make sure you find time for a little bit of fun, because it won’t be long before we’re back at each other’s throats. You know, like Thursday the 5th. The same day the back-to-school sales start and all the sports channels start promoting football.

And have a happy birthday America, you great-looking country, you. May be going through a tough patch here. But you know what they say; tough times never last, but tough countries do. And you probably hear this a lot but you still look pretty good considering you’re 242 years old. Could use a little work around the eyes. Then again, couldn’t we all.

Copyright © 2018, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former waiter at Dante’s Sea Catch on Pier 39 in San Francisco, California. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst.com.

July 2018

MANY FURTHER QUESTIONS.

Robert Mueller has many questions for the president. The New York Times released a list of 49 for which Donald Trump hopefully has answers that can assist the special counsel's investigation into Russian interference during the 2016 election. Although the New York City real estate developer may know nothing at all. A situation many folks say… chances are high.

The president has announced various positions on the potential interview. One: he looks forward to testifying under oath. Two: he will refuse to answer and plead the 5th Amendment to protect against self-incrimination. Three: something in between which could include ignoring a subpoena and/ or refusing to admit the existence of anybody who may or may not be named Mueller.

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… the only time Trump told the truth in public was when he said if we voted for Hillary, we'd end up with a president under criminal investigation. Sure enough …”

His lawyers have voiced similar diverse opinions. Some maintain he should testify and get it over with and others warn he's walking into a perjury trap. Which, experience tells us, to the 45th POTUS, is any question asked, especially under oath.

It may very well turn out that the only time Trump told the truth in public was when he said if we voted for Hillary, we'd end up with a president under criminal investigation. Sure enough, a plurality of the country voted for Hillary and now the president is under criminal investigation. "Lock him up."

Nobody's sure who leaked the list to the press. At this point, it's all guesswork. Perhaps Mister Special Counsel himself, or someone in or near the White House? The assignment editor at MSNBC? A disgruntled craft services worker from the National Review? Melania? Unnamed sources are blaming well -placed insiders.

And why was the list leaked? To lower expectations, raise them, lull participants to sleep? Is this a double blind or major feint or are they letting the Commander-in-Chief know the nature of the questions to give him time to construct alibis and motivations other than furthering his own future and fortune?

Mostly, the questions sound like typical prosecutorial gobbledy-gook. "Who? What? Where? Why? When? Hunh?" "What were you thinking when whatisname did the thing with the guy at the place?"

None of the preview inquiries mention Russian hookers, so, obviously it's not a complete list. And in the spirit of helping, we here at Durstco have come up with a few more questions that should be asked because inquiring minds want to know.

• Is Stephen Miller the result of an Army-science breeding program that mated rabid wolverines with poisonous fungus?

• What's the deal with your hair?

• In your estimation, who has the more annoying mustache: Ty Cobb or John Bolton?

• What are the chances Dennis Rodham will be appointed ambassador to North Korea?

•What was Stormy Daniels like in bed?

• Was Rudy Giuliani trying to help? Isn't adding him to your legal team like throwing a hippopotamus onto a trapeze team?

• How are things with Melania? Any truth to the rumor that all the knives have been removed from the East Wing?

• How come your ties hang down to your knees? Is it a peripheral vision thing?

• Is Corey Lewandowski your love child?

• Have you ever seen Mike Pence exhibit an actual pulse or is he the product of reverse taxidermy?

• Was James Comey's freakishly large hands one of the reasons you fired him?

Copyright © 2018, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former paper-boy in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, including this weekend in various places, please visit willdurst.com.

June 2018

STORM WARNING.

You don't need a weatherman to see that the storm clouds gathering around Team Trump are serious. And since the only permanent member of Team Trump is The Donald himself, this squall is shooting straight down Pennsylvania Avenue, with that hard- candy shell of a hair- helmet above the chair behind the desk in the Oval Office, square in its crosshairs.

The tempest is dark and swirly with fierce offshore winds like one of those Nor'Easters that's ravaged New England the last couple months. Several systems of individual flurries have begun to merge, taking on bulk and velocity, threatening to escalate into one of those upper echelon categories of blizzards.

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His own party is pulling out the bullet- proof umbrellas. Fearing a blue wave the size of a nuclear-powered tsunami, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan didn't just ditch the ship but the pier and the entire harbor itself.”

The kind with golf- ball sized hail that leaves dimples on car hoods and white- out conditions shutting down interstates. And American radar models forecast enough downpours to bury the president up to his ears. The European models indicate a larger depth.

The barometer is dropping precipitously on several fronts. Bimbo Eruptions multiply like thunderheads on a midwestern summer afternoon including one suspiciously named Stormy. Raising the sticky question of whether paying to kill a salacious story constitutes illegal campaign contributions or just being real smart.

The recent raid on the offices of Trump's longtime personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, which seized records and perhaps recordings, has staffers quivering like a shaved poodle duct-taped to the foul pole of Wrigley Field during a night game in April. Nobody knows what sort of shenanigans Cohen was up to, but everyone suspects he is a consigliere with secrets. Fredo's consigliere.

Former FBI Director James Comey's new book calls The Great Pretender not just a liar, but an orange unethical dangerous Mob Boss liar with baby hands. The President, in response, tweeted that the professional Boy Scout from the Justice Department is a "leaker and a liar" and a "slimeball." Not an epithet normally heard coming from the highest office in the land.

That's right, the guy who paid a porn star $130,000 to keep quiet about the affair they had while his third wife was pregnant, called someone else a "slimeball." Which is like a hooker calling the queen a whore. Or Martin Shkreli complaining he's being gouged at the prison commissary. Shouting that the other guy has dust on his lapels from the middle of a pig- sty.

And although his sentence was commuted by George W Bush, Scooter Libby was never pardoned for his convictions of perjury, obstruction of justice and lying to the FBI. So perhaps President Trump remedied that situation as a signal to his associates that he doesn't think these crimes are very important. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge. "Don't worry boys. I got your back, your front and your sides."

His own party is pulling out the bullet- proof umbrellas. Fearing a blue wave the size of a nuclear-powered tsunami, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan didn't just ditch the ship but the pier and the entire harbor itself.

And slowly riding in on the horizon … Mueller is coming. Mueller is coming! And it can't be too comforting that special prosecutor Robert Mueller bears a slight resemblance to the Night King from Game of Thrones. Right about now Donald Trump might be best served by looking for a fire- breathing dragon. Maybe that's what John Bolton is for.

Copyright © 2018, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former desk clerk at the Milwaukee Athletic Club. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, including Durst Case Scenario: Midterm Madness, please visit willdurst.com.

May 2018

MIDTERM MALFUNCTIONS

Okay, Democrats, settle down. Drop the confetti and back away from the champagne. Stop punching each other in the arm, making with the whoop-whoop noises. Straighten your tie. These celebrations need to be put on hold. They are as premature as counting your chickens before they cross the road to a bridge that hasn't been burned yet.

Sure, you might have had a few encouraging outcomes in some special elections and early midterm primaries, but those are as fleeting as the New York City Ballet dreams of an overweight third-grader in her first pair of toe shoes.

Do not be deceived into thinking that reclaiming the House of Representatives in November is a fast-break, slam-dunk because if anybody could blow a lead this late in the game, it's you. And, the Atlanta Falcons, of course.

President Donald Trump's approval rating could sink lower than the pressure-release screw on the bottom of a submarine sewer hose, and Democrats still couldn't stir the electorate with a crowbar the size of Chile.

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Do not be deceived into thinking that reclaiming the House of Representatives in November is a fast-break, slam-dunk because if anybody could blow a lead this late in the game, it's you. And, the Atlanta Falcons, of course.”

You are the kings and queens of tying your shoelaces together and tripping over your own feet. Have the killer instinct of mud. Possess the uncanny ability to pluck defeat from the jaws of victory through the tiniest dental window. Hold the Guinness book record for accidentally rolling over on the self-destruct button and blowing everything you stand for to smithereens. On that rare occasion you take a stand.

And right now, multitudes of ways to throw a monkey wrench into the midterms remain within your grasp. It may be over a half a year away. But to you do-gooder, pooch-screwing, over-thinkers, it's a lifetime.

The following is not just the tip of the iceberg of ugly scenarios that are possible but the crust on the nostrils of the dead donkey curled around the tip of the iceberg of ugly scenarios that are possible.

WAYS THE DEMOCRATS COULD SCREW UP THE MIDTERMS.

Lousy candidates. As we've seen in the past, your bench is full of them.

Horrible timing. You people would wear Yankees hats to Fenway Park on Nickel Beer Night.

Dearth of issues. You attempt to paint yourself as Republicans with a brain and a heart. Failing to realize that lacking a brain and a heart is the GOP's base appeal.

Trusting the media. Yes, many reporters and correspondents are smart liberals. But most of their bosses are smarter conservatives. Who love Donald J. Trump for being a dumpster fire that attracts eyeballs.

Getting drunk at the prom and wrecking daddy's T-Bird again.

Barbra Streisand. At the last minute she tries to help.

Hillary Clinton. Writes another book.

Exhibit Fear. Don't ever forget the electorate can smell it.

Stormy Daniels. Entices Bill Clinton and/ or Anthony Weiner into being pen-pals. Trivial stuff. Huge ugly public fights over whether the latest presidential rebuke should be printed with black or blue ink.

Eating your own. Does the term Al Franken have any meaning here?

Nancy Pelosi. She talks for another 8 hours causing people to remember, "oh yeah, she's still the Head Dem, right?"

Two words. Bernie freaking Sanders.

Underestimating Donald Trump. Especially his allure to that segment of America that believes professional wrestling is legitimate.

And finally: Two more words. Elizabeth freaking Warren.

Copyright © 2018, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former door-to-door soap salesman in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, including Durst Case Scenario: Midterm Madness, please visit willdurst.com.

April 2018

THE CAFETERIA LADY IS PACKING HEAT.

President Donald Trump tossed out some wacky nonsense about arming teachers which encouraged the press and public to go nuts debating this ludicrous suggestion, totally ignoring commonsense remedies like banning civilians from purchasing weapons whose sole function is to kill the most people in the shortest time. The man is not as dumb as he looks, which at last count was considerable.

That was just one of the president’s multiple responses to the latest in a distressing series of school shootings. He was all over the map like a class of apprentice cartographers in the belly of a garbage scow during a category 4 typhoon.

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The problem with good guys with guns is — a lot of them believe in that whole “kill ‘em all and let god sort ‘em out” school of thought. Except that security guard outside the Parkland, Florida high school.”

First he said we should arm teachers, then yelled at the mainstream media for saying he said we should arm teachers, then he said we shouldn’t just give teachers guns, but bonuses. And snacks. Not rulers. Or pencils. Stationary targets, yes. Stationery, no.

During a listening session with relatives and survivors of various school massacres he was photographed carrying a cheat sheet reminding him to say “I hear you.” His staff is apparently aware that hearing people in a listening session is not his first instinct. Listen is what people do to him, not he to them.

Trump also promised to focus on mental health issues, forgetting that one of his first moves as POTUS was erasing rules that restricted some mentally ill from purchasing firearms. Like Germany complaining they don’t have any decent Jewish delis anymore.

“Now is not the time to politicize the gun issue.” Why is the time to talk about guns always later? “Now?” “No, later.” “Now?” “No, later.” And repeat. Now is the time to talk about mental health issues. Voting to fund programs to deal with those issues is a different story.

The NRA says the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. The problem with good guys with guns is — a lot of them believe in that whole “kill ‘em all and let god sort ‘em out” school of thought. Except that security guard outside the Parkland, Florida high school.

Giving guns to teachers, what a great idea. Probably cut down on tardiness, note passing, and backtalk as well, not to mention making faculty meetings and parent teacher conferences a lot more interesting. The penalty for truancy is a flesh wound.

As with most of 45’s ideas, details were murky, but this plan could easily lead to arming janitors, crossing guards, and cafeteria ladies. Although many would argue that school lunches were already weaponized during the Reagan Administration.

Besides, 20% of American teachers equals 700,000 people. Do they all get the same gun? Would these teachers going heavy be appointed or volunteers? Or would most folks offered guns spontaneously develop bone spurs like somebody else we know?

Think back: how many of your high school teachers would you have confidently armed? The ex- Marine wrestling coach? The English teacher who spaced out during John Keats’ “Ode on a Grecian Urn?” The librarian regularly hitting her flask behind the stacks? Sister Mary Uzi?

And you do realize that once teachers start carrying Roscoes, it’s only a matter of time before kids themselves feel the need to start packing. “I’m going to study hall. Cover me.”

Copyright © 2018, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former banana faced monkey dribbler.

For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, including the updated Durst Case Scenario: Midterm Madness, please visit willdurst.com.

March 2018

REIGN OF ERROR.

It's been quite a year. The exact reverse of that whole "time flies when you're having fun" thing. These last twelve months have slogged by like cold molasses riddled with bat guano dripping through a tightly woven bamboo sieve. Seems like decades since Donald Trump became the 45th President of the United States. Shouldn't he be termed out by now?

After a mere 12 months, his problems have stacked up like a bouquet of bombs from the Acme Co. being wafted aloft by helium balloons approaching an archery range for easily distracted pre-teens. Anybody who watched the televised White House bipartisan meeting can tell you the former reality TV star exhibits a mastery of his office on the level of a duck-billed platypus playing a harpsichord.

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100% of White House insiders believe their boss is a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic, if you catch his drift. The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead”

His administration has been marked by division, derision, indecision and a distinct lack of supervision. Confusion, seclusion, delusion & collusion. Lazy, hazy, crazy: cheesy, sleazy, wheezy, breezy and enough turmoil to make the entire world both uneasy and/ or a little queasy.

During the first 365 days of Dopey Donald's Reign of Error, we have survived an unending stream of blatant lies, graphic insults, myopic intransigence, illiterate cluelessness, overt racism, monumental chaos, nuclear intimidation and a general coarsening of the culture to where the evangelical community is forced to reconcile a porn star payoff with its own staggering sense of self righteousness. Futiley.

In the recent book, Fire and Fury, author Michael Wolff intimated that 100% of White House insiders believe their boss is a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic, if you catch his drift. The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead. Snuck into the gene pool while the lifeguard was chatting up the girl who runs the hot dog stand. Has the same mental capacity that God gave a bucket of hair.

Then, as if to stamp the book with his own fuzzy seal of approval, the former New York City real estate developer demonstrated that no matter how many allies he antagonizes, family members he insults, staffers he impugns, fellow Republicans he alienates, or conventions he flaunts, his own worst enemy remains… himself.

Attempting to stem backlash from Wolff's book, the president tweeted, (and these are quotes) that he is "like, really smart." And a "stable genius." A statement that most experts interpret as meaning he's really good with horse manure. Which probably comes in handy when interacting with Sloppy Steve Bannon.

Trump also twisted himself into a rhetorical battle with Kim Jong Un over whose nuclear button is bigger. When we all know it has to be Ivanka's dad, who needs the larger expanse to accommodate his diminutive hands. These two should be locked into a cell on an abandoned freighter in the South Pacific so that they can measure and get it over with.

Then the brief government shut down precipitated an eruption of the Blame Game that witnessed both Republicans and Democrats flinging mud at each other with so much excess hitting the president, many referees questioned the actual target.

Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell said "I'm looking for something the president supports" making it sound like a mythical beast. Less unicorn-more dodo bird. And all this has gone down in the first three weeks of 2018. Fasten your seat belts folks, it's going to be a bumpy year.

Copyright © 2018, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former bicycle messenger in San FranciscoCalifornia. For past columns, commentaries or a calendar of personal appearances, including the newly updated Durst Case Scenario: Midterm Madness, please visit willdurst.com.

February 2018

NO MEANS NO.

An avalanche of revelations concerning public figures engaging in various sexual assaults has tumbled down upon our heads and the airwaves are consumed with accusations, recriminations, equivocations and ethical gyrations, not to mention the threat of career annihilations. And it couldn't happen to a more deserving aggregation of guys.

Since early October, after numerous women came forward to accuse Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein of sexually abusive behavior, huge numbers of high- profile males have faced similar charges and either been fired, allowed to resign, lost committee leadership positions, had projects canceled, entered rehab, become incapable of speech or are favorites to win the vacant US Senate seat in Alabama.

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That's not locker room banter, that's an oafish toad gloating about his clueless entitlement and disregard for decency.”

We're not just talking politicians, but judges and talk show hosts and actors and comedians and producers and professors and presidents and professional athletes and coaches and chefs and reporters and editors and publishers and venture capitalists and rental clowns and we haven't even scratched the clergy. Which many of them would most assuredly enjoy.

Men Behaving Badly is a tale as old as dogs chasing cats, a concept even more apropos when you consider that most men are horndogs to begin with. It's a miracle women have survived, considering the position of vulnerability various quirks of nature foisted upon them: childbirth, being 10% smaller than male counterparts, and a shorter fertility period. Offset by living longer and a tendency to mature more quickly and some might argue owning a monopoly on that particular aspect.

Every single woman you've ever met, including your sister, mother, grandmother and great- grandmother, (if you met her) has been the unwelcome recipient of inappropriate touching and crude groping and hugs that go on much too long and clumsy pawing and cheek kisses that inexplicably involve wetness, and all sorts of leers and ogles and catcalls and having to constantly worry that the provocative or unprovocative clothing they are wearing might provoke the unwarranted attention of some deranged carbon unit with y chromosome poisoning who thinks he is god's gift to women. Which admittedly is many of us. Okay. Most. All?

And that categorically has to include grabbing someone by the private parts and the fact we have a leader who bragged about that sort of activity is as helpful as wiring a park bench to a chandelier. That's not locker room banter, that's an oafish toad gloating about his clueless entitlement and disregard for decency.

It is way way past the point that we men get hip to the simple fact that no means "no". It doesn't mean, "yes, please". It doesn't mean, "maybe". It doesn't mean, "It's getting hot in here, so take off all my clothes".

And it certainly doesn't mean "You big lug, you're so cute when you're angry and thank god you know what I want more than I do and I love it when your face turns that blotchy tomato color." Because, trust us, nobody likes that blotchy tomato color.

Not only does no mean "no", it also means "don't". Don't threaten, don't harass, don't stand close enough to smell your aftershave and don't make sly innuendoes, which usually aren't very sly or innuendoish. This is the second decade of the 21st Century. Time to lose the Middle Ages werewolf attitude and start walking and acting upright. Make your great- grandmother proud.

Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning columnist, comic and former cab driver in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including the 25th annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show, Dec 26- Jan 7: willdurst.com.

December 2017

STOLEN WALLETS

Like the previous week and every one since February, the last 7- day period has been a perfect example of why the current administration gets less traction than a flamingo wearing galoshes on an ice rink. The problem is Donald Trump: King of the unforced error. Shoots himself in the foot so many times, it's amazing he has either of his knees left. 

Started out innocently enough. A reporter asked why the White House hadn't mentioned the 4 Green Berets killed in Niger 2 weeks earlier. Misunderstanding the query, the president said he was preparing to call the families of the fallen. Which wasn't the question but would have been fine. If he stopped there. But he didn't and proceeded to take aim with a shotgun at his shoes. 

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Press Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders ... said questioning the word of a 4 star general was highly inappropriate. As opposed to calling a Gold Star widow a liar. Which is very appropriate.”

Shifting focus, the President targeted his Oval Office predecessors by saying "most of them didn't make calls." A statement that raised the hackles of Barack Obama, George W. Bush and every other president going back to the first John Adams. 

In an attempt to stem the continuing negative press covfefe, Trump hastily called a Gold Star widow who was on the way to pick up her husband's remains and consoled her by saying "your guy" "knew what he signed up for, but when it happens, it hurts anyway." As comforting as cuddling up to a quiver of poisoned arrows in a barbed wire sleeping bag. 

Florida Congresswoman Frederica Wilson recounted the conversation, having been in the car with her close friend, the widow of Sergeant La David Johnson, when the president called on speakerphone. Trump insisted he never said what the Congresswoman said he said and he had proof. But the proof was never identified or revealed or spoken of again. Proof go poof! 

The next day the White House Chief of Staff, John Kelly, a Gold Star father as well as a retired 4 star Marine general, showed up at a press conference with a rhetorical mop and said, yes, Trump did say what the Congresswoman said he said, but only because he, John Kelly, told him to say it. The president simply did it inelegantly. Our rookie president may have many skills, but touchy- feely is not one of them.

Kelly went on to refer to Congresswoman Wilson as an "empty barrel", saying he was stunned she listened in on the call. Ignoring the fact he was listening as well. Being "stunned" the phone call you were listening in on was being monitored by someone else is like expressing "shock" the wallet you ripped off was stolen. 

Kelly has been reluctant to speak publicly of his son's death but touched on it to defend his boss, recklessly squandering the credibility of the Adult Day Care Office. Press Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked about inconsistencies in Kelly's account, and said questioning the word of a 4 star general was highly inappropriate. As opposed to calling a Gold Star widow a liar. Which is very appropriate. 

Everybody understands such a phone call is one of the toughest things a president or any human has to do. And Trump could have stopped the misadventure by apologizing for his clumsy attempt. But it's increasingly apparent why Donald Trump never apologizes; because if he ever started, he'd be forced to spend every waking minute doing it.

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former door- to- door soap salesman in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one- man show, "Durst Case Scenario," every Tuesday at the SF Marsh until Nov. 21, please visit willdurst.com
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November 2017

TYPHOON DONALD.

Considering the severity of the cascade of disasters descending upon us lately, we should thank our lucky stars we’re able to talk about them. Earthquakes, heat-waves, flash-floods, non-flash-floods, wildfires raging across the West, multiple Category 5 hurricanes strafing the Caribbean and Donald Trump addressing the General Assembly of the United Nations. The only way things could get worse is if Mitch McConnell embarked on a singing career.

These are not what you call happy times for the Western Hemisphere. Not only does the planet seem especially angry at us, but also newly adept at organizing its individual weapons into a coordinated assault. Mother Nature has gone Rambo. An actual Sharknado cannot be entirely ruled out of the question.

In the most awkward and preventable of the recent litany of bad, the Tweeter of the Free World took his carnival barker act to the UN, regurgitating his “America First” campaign for all to hear. At the UN. Similar to waving skewers of pork kabobs at a PETA convention wearing an ermine coat with pockets full of cottage cheese. Still surprised peace-keeping troops weren’t called in to quell this uprising of Trump’s id.

Reading off a teleprompter in his patented indoor voice, the former real estate developer announced to the world that if Rocket Man, his pet name for Kim Jong Un, doesn’t get his act together, North Korea will be totally destroyed. Ostensibly by B-B-B-B-Benny & the Jets.

As previously demonstrated, our neophyte Commander-in-Chief is not big on the “spoonful of sugar” style of negotiations. More a “wave a sledgehammer to push in a thumb tack” kind of a guy. Imbued with all the diplomatic skills of a rhinoceros suffering from Athlete’s Horn. Crazy, or crazy like a fox, the adjective remains constant.

Despite receiving death stares that would cauterize a satellite, the orange canopy finished by putting the rest of the world on notice, including Iran, Cuba, Venezuela, Nambia, Chad, Jeremy, Vincent, The Republic of Tiny Dancer and any other entity that might consider crossing him whose name wasn’t then and isn’t now Russia.

Russia being his lifelong irrevocable BFF who as far as he’s concerned can do anything and everything their little heart desires. Including supporting North Korea’s weapons program as long as they keep it on the down low. And refuse to release certain videotapes. No matter how much the New York Times offers. Because that’s not what a BFF would do. Is it Vlad?

Apparently when the professors at Trump University teach the phrase “bully pulpit” the major emphasis is on the first two syllables. But this time, the president’s slander was matched in intensity by the North Korean leader who responded by calling Melania’s husband a “dotard.”

This archaic insult sent reporters to their Webster’s to discover the definition… “suffering from senile decay.” And when the world’s most notorious psychopath starts calling you names, that’s not good. Of course, Ted Cruz & Hillary Clinton co

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The only way things could get worse is if Mitch McConnell embarked on a singing career. ”

uld have told us that.

The more we experience Typhoon Donald’s foreign policy the more it becomes apparent that when future generations discuss our current beloved leader they will most likely develop a custom where they spit on the ground after saying his name. That is, if there are future generations.

Copyright © 2017, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and a fork-lift operator in Milwaukee Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, visit willdurst.com.

October 2017

HATEFUL HATERS HATING HATE.

Someone please tell the radical left to stop getting their panties in a bundle and quit calling our president a Nazi. Donald Trump proved himself a great friend of freedom when he promoted equivalency between the organized hate movement and people disgusted by them. Anyone who hates haters is equally responsible for hateful hating. That is obvious.

After a riot broke out during a Unite the Right March in Charlottesville, Virginia, there was, according to President Trump, violence "on many sides." He then sagely observed there are two sides to every story. Which is true. There are two sides to every story; it's just harder to distinguish them when one side is full of Nazis.

Sure, one group carried bats and clubs and body armor and shouted slogans denigrating Jews and blacks but the counter-protestors purposefully dented those clubs and bats with their heads and various body parts. Many pieces of expensive defensive equipment now need to be replaced. At retail.

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Easy to understand why the president refuses to announce there is no room in his administration for racists. All the slots are full. But then the weenie liberal outcry became so strident, the Tweeter of the Free World was forced to fire Chief Strategist Steve Bannon, even after assuring us, "he is not a racist.”

And yeah, someone might have driven a car into a crowd but most of the casualties were caused by slow-footed liberals who refused to get out of the way and then lay down blocking further traffic littering the surface of a major metropolitan street with toxic substances such as blood. Without a permit.

Easy to understand why the president refuses to announce there is no room in his administration for racists. All the slots are full. But then the weenie liberal outcry became so strident, the Tweeter of the Free World was forced to fire Chief Strategist Steve Bannon, even after assuring us, "he is not a racist." That would have sufficed, but unfortunately 45 went on to say that neither was Bannon a drunk, fond of livestock or an incredibly bad dresser who more often then not sported gravy stains on his tie and eyebrows.

All the president wants is an even playing field. That is why he accused the media of being unfair to Nazis. Unlike the editorial room of the New York Times, our blue-collar billionaire leader hasn't forgotten that white supremacists are people too. They have feelings just like normal human beings. And needs and desires. It just so happens that one of their desires is most of us don't exist.

They're not asking us to change, they're asking us to leave. We need to look inside ourselves: is it really our place to judge them based on the nature of their hate? If we prick a white supremacist, do they not bleed? If we tickle them, do they not laugh? If we poke them with a cobra do they not spawn?

A single thoughtless remark can ruin a white supremacist's entire day. We need to remind the children the correct term for someone who believes in the superiority of the white race is "alt-right." The terms "Nazi" and "racist" and "detestable buttwipe" can be so hurtful.

We must never forget that every white supremacist is as individual as a snowflake. Each of them is special. Some, more special than others. Quite a few-extra-crispy special. Many can't even pronounce supremacist, much less spell it. As Donald Trump once said, "I love the poorly educated." And now we know why: it's his unbudgable base.

Copyright © 2017, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former Burgomeister of the city of Leipzig. For a calendar of personal appearances, including this week at the Pioneer Theater in Reno, Nevada, please visit willdurst.com.

September 2017

MAKE AMERICA JURASSIC AGAIN.

President Donald Trump possesses a style described by friends as virile and intuitive and by foes as oafish and oblivious. Some see him a breath of fresh air, with a disarming directness and others consider him a blustering bully with the grace of a pile of crumbling cement blocks cascading off a flatbed truck. Passionate versus fool-hardy. Eager slash hasty. Swift or rash.

But these are principally domestic arguments. The international community is not so divided. They view our new Chief Executive as a brutish barbarian whose goal is to antagonize the rest of the planet. Not just the other nations of the world, but Mother Earth herself.

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GM, GE, Chevron, Shell, Apple, Exxon-Mobil and BP favor the agreement, because they have come to the opinion that the extinction of the human species might not be good for business.”

45's first overseas trip initially dropped him successfully in Saudi Arabia and Israel where he mostly antagonized his wife. Then the reality TV star traveled to a NATO meeting where he scolded its members, and demonstrated how to put America first by shoving the Prime Minister of Montenegro to the side in order to rush to the front of a photo shoot. "Out of the way, pal."

Arriving home, Trump leaped back onto the Twitter Train, shooting out a midnight tweet ending with the words "press covfefe." He either spelled the word "coverage" wrong or was rhapsodizing about the java coming out of his French Press. Or both.

What happened after that, nobody knows. Perhaps he drifted off, confident that he had rallied the troops. Or maybe he realized his mistake and tried to correct the spelling but was betrayed by his undersized digits and ended up hitting "send."

We've all done it. Most of us would have stopped, deleted and started over. But President Golden Canopy not only left aloft this incoherent muddle, the next day he doubled down with another incomprehensibility, "Who can figure out the true meaning of "Covfefe" ??? Enjoy!"Unable to resort to his usual lame obfuscation: "the tweet speaks for itself," because it didn't, Spokesperson Sean Spicer insisted the president and a small group of people knew what the post meant but couldn't keep a straight face when saying it. Because the president is incapable of admitting a mistake. Ever. Not even a misspelled word. Simply put, the malignant orange narcissist is purposefully messing with us. The President of the United States is screwing with his constituents over a typo. He's 12.

Later he told Planet Earth to take a hike, announcing America was pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord. His reasoning for joining Syria and Nicaragua to stand against 194 signers of the pact is it would handicap our country economically. And with him in charge, the fewer handicaps, the better.

Trump is intent on fulfilling his campaign promise to Make America Jurassic Again, even though over forty major US corporations including GM, GE, Chevron, Shell, Apple, Exxon- Mobil and BP favor the agreement, because they have come to the opinion that the extinction of the human species might not be good for business.

Liberals fear a hidden agenda of the GOP's Plan is to step up global warming to raise ocean waters, thereby flooding California coastline cities turning the state's 55 electoral votes reliably red. Then again, maybe, when the President mentioned that he doesn't want other countries laughing at us anymore, what he was really saying is he's ready to step down. Fingers crossed.

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former clerk in a porn store in Waukesha Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances including his new one-man show "Durst Case Scenario" every Tuesday at the Marsh San Francisco starting July 11: willdurst.com.

July/August 2017

BEST RADIOACTIVE SPIDER EVER.

Donald John Trump is keeping people busy. He's got staffers, lawyers, streaming news alert editors, impeachment historians, ethics investigators, hair spray manufacturers, Putin watchers, real-estate interpreters, all frantically flapping and squawking like a flock of seagulls outside a sardine plant at low tide.

Watch any of the network or cable news broadcasts and you instantly note that all the anchors are exhausted. Their "Breaking News" graphic… broke. Half of Washington has gone deaf, what with all the bombshells exploding with little or no warning around their tiny Beltway heads.

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…visiting the centers of 3 world religions offers more hidden minefields than walking barefoot in the dark through the western sand dunes of Egypt."

A majority of the president's problems seem self-inflicted. Broken-racketed unforced errors. The Apprentice Chief Executive has made more missteps than the last place finisher in a drunken hopscotch tournament with a watch cap pulled over his eyes on cobblestones. Every time someone escorts the blonde bull out of Ye Olde China Shoppe, he sneaks around back and butts his way through another wall just because he loves the sound of breaking crystal.

Immediately after firing FBI Director James Comey, the president called him "a nut job" and shared classified intelligence with two Russian diplomats. But then the White House assured the country that Mr. Trump was never in possession of any intelligence he could have shared. And America is totally willing to believe that whole "not in possession of any intelligence" part.

In defense of this disclosure of classified Israeli intel, Trump claims he can say anything to anybody at any time because as President he has special powers. Apparently he was bitten by a radioactive spider. But the biggest and best and most beautifulest of any radioactive spider that anyone has ever seen. This was a huuuuuuuge radioactive spider. Everyone is talking about it.

To say his last week was rocky is like intimating the glove compartment of a car crushed by a compactor is not the best place to store beer. Inexplicably, Trump told the Economist magazine he invented the phrase "priming the pump" which according to Webster's has been in general usage since 1933. He's King of the Inexplicable.

Next he'll maintain he's responsible for the phrase "out of control dumpster fire" as well. Of course, he has provided one heck of a high bar for all future comparisons.

Deputy Attorney General Rosenstein felt compelled to appoint a Special Prosecutor to get to the bottom of possible Russian collusion and obstruction of justice and all-round, random mendacity. The fastest any president in history has been targeted with a special prosecutor. Ever. In less than 4 months, he's gone from zero to Nixon.

Getting the hell out of Dodge, the President embarked on a 9 day, 5 city foreign tour visiting Saudi Arabia, Israel, Belgium and the Vatican. For a guy who hates to travel and goes off script like a five year old at "Everything's Free Day" at Disneyland, visiting the centers of 3 world religions offers more hidden minefields than walking barefoot in the dark through the western sand dunes of Egypt.

POTUS 45's first overseas trip culminates at the G-7 conference in Taormina, Italy. The G-7 used to be known as the G-8 until Russia was kicked out for annexing Crimea. But now that they've annexed us, are they back in the loop? Perhaps that's a question better suited for the special prosecutor. Time to take the Fifth. Of Scotch.

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former dishwasher at Sandburg Hall at UWM. For a calendar of personal appearances including the premiere of his one man show "Durst Case Scenario" at the Theatre on San Pedro Square May 26- 28, please visit willdurst.com.

June 2017

BAD HAIR WARS.

Enterprising entrepreneurs out there might want to invest in a fleet of tractor backhoes and partial ownership of a limestone quarry, because it’s starting to look like bunker- digging time in America. The threat of nuclear war is spiking like the needle of a meat thermometer on a lava-flow.

Won’t be long before all the Marts; K, Wal, Quickie and the rest, start advertising red, white and blue specials on duct tape and plastic wrap. Survivalist sales. Civilization closeouts. Mankind markdowns.

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We should have known the Beloved Leader would flip out, having been recently supplanted atop the prestigious “World’s Wackiest Leader with the Weirdest Hair” list. An award that had been in his family for generations. That was the Kim legacy.”

Various parts of the country are reacting differently. In the south, they’re hoarding grits and preserving tomatoes while California stockpiles cases of organic, heirloom, artisanal, gluten-free cannellini beans from the northwest district of the Tuscany region. Golden State bunkers have hardwood floors and a view.

While President Trump is busy dropping healthy payloads of big-d Democracy on various Mideast miscreants, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un has started to kick demilitarized sand in our face, sticking out his nuclear tongue and wagging thumbs in his ears. Might not even be his own thumbs. Could be his uncle’s thumbs.

It’s 1950 all over again. A brand new serving of the old Cold War with a little kimchi on the side. The difference being the sequel is destined to be televised in color and not a single General MacArthur can be found. This time both combatants are overseen by Mad Dogs.

We should have known the Beloved Leader would flip out, having been recently supplanted atop the prestigious “World’s Wackiest Leader with the Weirdest Hair” list. An award that had been in his family for generations. That was the Kim legacy. Poor little chubby Korean kid had one thing going for him, and Trump took it away. Interesting to note the two have more in common than worst commander-in-chief haircuts in history. They also have rabid-mammal-with-cut-paw temperaments. Complicated family relationships. A penchant for rearranging cabinets on a whim. Although removal from the North Korean circle of influence does tend be a tad more permanent.

The Pentagon might be taking the whole thing more seriously if Pyongyang were to develop a delivery system more efficient than a team of musk oxen. Their missiles have a disquieting habit of blowing up on the launch pad like Pop Tarts in a malfunctioning toaster during a power surge.

But the jeopardy is legitimate enough to have spurred Vice President Mike Pence to rattle a few sabers on the south end of the DMZ, where he pronounced the US was about to abandon its “failed policy of strategic patience.” Which sounds suspiciously like “straighten up and fly right or someone’s going to bed without dinner. Again.”

President Trump even reversed a campaign pledge to label China a currency manipulator in hopes that North Korea’s adult neighbor to the north will keep an eye on the local juvenile delinquent and apply the appropriate economic spanking if necessary. With a leather belt studded with ivory.

After all, China has a vested interest in seeing that nothing happens to us, since we owe them trillions of dollars. It’s a smart dealer that keeps his best junkie from getting beaten up. It’s all so very exciting that every day without a mushroom cloud should be considered a victory. Although, some might call that a bit too exciting.

Copyright © 2017, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former short order cook at a downtown diner in Waukesha, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst.com.

May 2017

MARCH MADNESS.

The entire nation is transfixed like a litter of kittens in front of a fishbowl of hyperactive minnows as the screwy shenanigans known as March Madness unfold. And mad is right. It’s crazy out there. Totally zany. Nuttier than the hospitality suite at a squirrel convention. As kooky as a skateboard rack in the foyer of an assisted living facility.

The productivity of offices has sunk to 4 am levels as Americans find it impossible to turn off our devices and look away from the streaming spectacle of backcourt body slams, missed lay-ups and crowd hysteria. The howling of normally disinterested bystanders periodically shatters the quiet hum as we watch amateurs get smoked and lambasted in the face of daunting odds.

But alas, this isn’t about a bad case of hoops frenzy. We’re talking about the wild, weird and wacky machinations emanating from the Trump White House. Most administrations try to hit the ground running. This one careened out of the tunnel tripping over the ball rack, hoisting crazed half court hook shots while backpedalling into mascots and playing defense. Badly.

Instead of a fast break after his opening tip, both POTUS’s Muslim bans got blocked. The 45th President stomped up and down the court railing against the refs for banning the ban, and the media for calling his Muslim ban, a Muslim ban. One announcer wondered why Muslims wouldn’t enter the country simply pretending to be Christians, as that’s what most of us do. They’d fit right in.

Next, in what should have been a slam-dunk, TrumpCare, was criticized by both teams, the crowd, shoe manufacturer reps, beer vendors and even some cheerleaders, for looking suspiciously like Obama Care, without any of that “Care” part attached.

Although he’s plastered his name on chocolate bars, vodka, eyeglasses and barstools, the president objected to calling the replacement health care bill, TrumpCare. Which sort of made even his own trainers and assistant coaches wince and do a double take. With the clock winding down on his credibility, both the House and Senate Intelligence committees announced finding no evidence to the President’s accusation that his phones were tapped by former President Obama. He said he heard someone on Fox News making the claim, but even Fox News said, “You’re kidding, right?”

Sean Spicer, the press spokesperson, whiffed on a series of free throws, trying single-handedly to keep the ball in play but got caught double-teamed on the baseline with nowhere to pass, because Kellyanne Conway was back in the locker room nursing a strained microwave or some other subversive kitchen appliance.

The President himself was of little help, demanding to play point guard, power forward and center without any knowledge of the playbook, game, opponent, what was at stake or on which bench the rest of his team was sitting.

Setting records for unforced turnovers with fumbled rebounds, errant passes, double-dribbles, traveling violations and a flurry of airballs, D. J. Trump committed so many flagrant offensive fouls it was a miracle he wasn’t hit with three or four technicals and kicked out of the game, if not sent back to the team hotel on the company bus. But he wasn’t, because, as those of us watching at home know: he’s also the coach. And the sponsor.

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former bartender in the Upper Peninsula. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his upcoming week at the San Francisco Punch Line April 12- 15, please visit willdurst.com.

April 2017

FAKE NEWS PREZ.

No matter what you think of Donald J. Trump, you got to admit he's a cracker- jack salesman with an uncanny gift for manipulating the mainstream media like a three- armed rental clown juggling pin- pulled grenades on an express elevator to hell.

Every single day something he touches starts smoking. You've heard of the Midas Touch; DJT has the Hades Touch. His very being is constructed to strike the flint that shoots a spark towards the tetchy kindling he calls staff.

At least living in the Eastern and Central time zones, folks experience the pandemonium in real time while we out west are doubly disconcerted constantly waking up to wonder, "what fresh human bonfire has been set off already?" While we fitfully slept in California the Orange Firestarter had a three- hour head start to light another fuse to Armageddon.

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He finished by calling his administration: "a fine- tuned machine." Which sounds better than "out of control dumpster fire," but a tad less accurate. Whatever machine he's talking about, you'll want to wear a hard hat and keep the kids 50 feet away decked out in fire retardant clothes.”

In his first press conference since moving into the White House, the 45th President ignited further conflagrations first by calling the media "dishonest" then disputing both logic and math. Say what you will, he does punch upwards. Logic and math are not lightweight opponents.

The real estate developer turned apprentice leader of the free world is an expert in ranting and raving while holding the press to standards he refuses to live up to or believe in. He bizarrely repeatedly claimed to have more electoral votes than anybody since Reagan, which is only true if you don't count Clinton, Bush One or Obama.

When a reporter pointed out the discrepancy, Trump dismissed him with, "well, I was given that information." Presumably by the same people who told him he won the debates, enjoys widespread popularity and has accomplished more than any other president at this juncture in his reign.

Trump mentioned ratings numerous times. He gets good ratings. CNN has lousy ratings. He eats Ratings Bran for breakfast. From out of nowhere he proclaimed "a nuclear holocaust would be like no other," which is like saying total human extinction would be odd. You get the feeling he'd be okay with one as long as the ratings were huge. Which they would be, initially. Later on, not so much.

Anything he doesn't like or disagrees with gets labeled "fake news." Since the election he's jumped on the phrase like an old dog with a new chew toy. Fake news. Fake news. Fake news. He repeats the phrase so much he runs the risk of becoming the Fake News President. Although many folks maintain the "news" part is superfluous.

He finished by calling his administration: "a fine- tuned machine." Which sounds better than "out of control dumpster fire," but a tad less accurate. Whatever machine he's talking about, you'll want to wear a hard hat and keep the kids 50 feet away decked out in fire retardant clothes. The machine may be fine- tuned but either the mechanics are under- trained, have been given the wrong tools or are disciples of the Three Stooges.

Trump says he knows stuff nobody else does. Can't imagine what it could be, but fairly certain we can rule out anything algebraically based. Meanwhile the biggest fear of a 3 million- majority segment of America is once this guy realizes he's destined to go down as the worst president in history, he might prefer to be remembered as the last president in history.

Copyright © 2017, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former margarine smuggler. For a calendar of personal appearances: willdurst.com.

March 2017

THE FIRST 100 DAYS.

As extraordinary as it sounds, Donald J. Trump is now the 45th President of the United States. Which is mind- boggling. Like making John Goodman the cover model for this year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Kim Kardashian- appointed chief scientist at the Atomic Energy Lab. Colin Kaepernick in charge of WikiLeaks.

The liberals' last best hopes were dashed on Inauguration Day when the Mango Mussolini put his hand on the Bible and didn't burst into flames. The preacher said the rain that started to fall as DJT took the oath was a good omen in the Bible. Yeah, tell that to Noah.

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It's Mourning in America." Trump will be a president for all Americans except the Muslims, Mexicans, losers, whiners, idiots and nasty women, especially the fat disgusting ones"

The speech was darker than the Cleveland Browns' offseason. Kind of a cross between Nixon and Voldermort. "It's Mourning in America." Trump will be a president for all Americans except the Muslims, Mexicans, losers, whiners, idiots and nasty women, especially the fat disgusting ones.

But now our attention turns not to the real estate developer's vitriolic tweets but his diabolic feats. What is the agenda of the Tweeter of the Free World? Here's what might go down over the rest of the first 100 days of the Donald Trump Experience.

January 31. Day 11. Trump trademarks "White House" and banks a royalty every time the press shows or mentions it.

February 12. Day 23. Congress repeals Obama Care and replaces it with Trump Care, which covers nobody but is advertised as "much more incredibly tremendous."

February 21. Day 32. An Executive Order makes it illegal to use the words "climate" and "change" in the same sentence.

March 7. Day 46. The President tweets a major nuclear reduction pact with Russia.

March 8. Day 47. The President tweets a major boost in our nuclear arsenal to intimidate Russia.

March 9. Day 48. The President tweets a major merger with Russia. The two countries will now be known as the USSSR East & West.

March 12. Day 51. The White House™ press is moved to the basement of a bar in Bethesda, Maryland.

March 18. Day 57. Eric and Donald Jr. are apprehended shooting pandas at the National Zoo with RPGs.March 24. Day 63. California Governor Jerry Brown authorizes barricades at all state entrances and begins to charge a $15 cover and a two- drink minimum to enter "Golden Land."

March 29. Day 68. After Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sonia Sotomayor are arrested, Trump fills 3 vacancies and the Supreme Court rules abortions illegal and determines voting to be restricted to white male landowners.

April 1. Day 71. The President authorizes a nuclear strike against Ottawa but Secretary of Defense Mad Dog Mattis pulls the plug after figuring out it's an April Fool's joke.

April 3. Day 73. President Trump tries to throw out the first ball at a windy Washington Senators season home opener but the ball and his hand get stuck in his hair due to an excess of product.

April 26. Day 96. The Pharmaceutical Industry reports record first quarter profits.

April 29. Day 99. Trump holds a contest among his Cabinet members to see who can sell the most Subway sandwiches in three hours on the National Mall.

April 30. Day 100. Trump tweets that he is bored and wants to quit. The nation is stunned.

May 1. Day 1. Mike Pence succeeds Donald Trump as the 46th President of the United States. The nation recoils.

Copyright © 2017, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former door-- to- door miracle soap salesman in Milwaukee Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst.com.

February 2017

HOLIDAY HEARTBURN

And now a public service announcement for all you prodigal sons and daughters making the pilgrimage back home for the annual Turkey Day reunion. Prepare for some ultra ugliness out there, people. Expect extra enmity. You are entering enemy territory and should anticipate the landing area will be mined.

We’re not talking about the normal stomach spasms associated with tryptophan poisoning by over-sampling the turducken, or Aunt Hoogalah’s dupamouche. Beware the bubbling casserole dish nowhere near any apparent heat source.

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First things first-lock up all the liquor. Intoxicants and politics go together like lug nuts and garbage disposals. Same with the sharp objects.”

This is more about the turmoil that could result from intermingling with family members who went down a different presidential preference path. It is said that people felt sort of passionate about this past election. It is also rumored that the Pacific Ocean is moist.

So, chances that supporters of either winning or losing candidate are prepared to let this one slide are about the same as a case of 16 pound sledge hammers thrown through a greenhouse in the dead of winter in Duluth, Minnesota is good for the broccoli rabe.

First things first-lock up all the liquor. Intoxicants and politics go together like lug nuts and garbage disposals. Same with the sharp objects. Remember, a stabbed aunt is no longer a cookie-making aunt. Collect smart phones at the door. Keep a tire jack handy in a prominent position for the particularly recalcitrant.

Declare the television off-limits, specifically the news. No CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, PBS, HBO, QVC or even HGTV allowed. Commandeer the remotes. If withdrawal symptoms persist, three NFL games are scheduled. This time around, football is your friend, even the Dallas Cowboys. But only this time.

Instead of turkey or ham, choose a menu that requires a mite more than the standard concentration. Alaskan King Crab legs, artichokes, jumbo prawns with the heads on, whole coconuts, poisonous puffer fish, pistachios, pomegranates. Engage the whole clan in a game of “Mushroom. Mushroom. Who’s Got the Bad Mushroom?”

If these precautions prove inadequate and your philosophical bent is called into question, consider these helpful responses to keeping altercations to a minimum.

SKIRTING MESSY ELECTION QUESTIONS
AT THANKSGIVING DINNER.

Feign ignorance. “Election? What election? There was an election?”

“How many times do I have to tell you, we residents of the planet Melmac are not allowed to interfere in Earthly affairs.”

“I voted for Ferris Buehler.”

Try something to offend everyone: “I don’t care who the president is, as long as Justin Bieber is still Dreamboat-in-Chief.”

Pander egregiously: “To me, there is now and always has been, only one president. Richard Milhous Nixon. (Or Ronald Wilson Reagan. Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Pick the apropos president for your particular situation. Alfred E. Newman.)

As soon as a direct question is asked, stare off into middle distance and begin to drool heavily.

Diversion: “Hey, did the mango chutney oyster dressing spontaneously combust,” then run into the bathroom and lock the door until the threat level dissipates.

Divert. “How bout them Niners?” (or Colts, or Packers, Cardinals or Roll Tide, whatever works geographically)

Giggle as if you thought they said erection. Continue to giggle and point, snickering “erection.”

“It’s the pets of the children of the Christian Vets I worry about.”

And finally, if all else fails, put your hands over your ears and sing the “la, la, la, la, la, la, la” song. Be prepared to repeat the refrain for 4 years.

Copyright © 2016, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former assistant manager at a Pizza Hut in West Allis, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, go to willdurst.com.

December 2016 / January 2017

THE GROPAGE REPORT.

If experts are correct in saying that Donald Trump needs women voters to win the presidency, the last two weeks have been the worst for any political candidate since the summer of 1984 when Michael Dukakis climbed into a tank and tried on a helmet.

This election has escalated way past PG 13, quickly hurdling both R and NC 17, and leaping into "Hands Over Your Ears Singing the La-La-La-La-La-La-La, I Can't Hear You" song. Concerned parents are encouraging their kids to play violent video games rather than watch the news. "Smoke more dope."

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Trump's defense against a couple of the accusations is that the women were too ugly for him to molest, a classic case of defeating your purpose.”

Every time we think this election has sunk to a new low, the aerodynamically coiffed real estate mogul manages to dig another sub-basement. Think he's trying to tunnel his way to JI-NA. Someone needs to warn them, their sworn enemy is conniving a sneak attack from below.

The spike that punctured the most recent bag of sleaze spewing down on us was an 11 year-old videotape from Access Hollywood in which the Don with the blonde frond bragged to the unfortunately named Billy Bush about sexual conquest in terms as seamy as a stepping barefoot onto a used condom.

The King of White Males relentlessly intones that nobody respects women more than he, but many members of the female population question whether being grabbed by their private parts is really the best way of proving it. Many members.

Before the video surfaced, expectations for Trump in the second presidential debate were so low he could have been declared the winner simply by refraining from throwing his own feces at Anderson Cooper.

But during the face-to-face fracas, Trump shrugged off his profane slurs as mere locker room banter, saying he was guilty of words not actions, then over-elaborating until he seemed to imply the reason he brags about grabbing women by the crotch is because of ISIS. Wow, they really are bad guys.

Trump invited four Bill Clinton accusers to join him in a pre-debate press conference, prompting the Clinton campaign to discover four women who charged Trump with unsolicited advances, egregious groping and all round creepiness. The obvious option was to have the women of Team Trump face off against the women of Team Clinton in a pay-per-view steel cage match. And the winner got Ohio.

Unfortunately the numbers started growing as women come forward daily with further sordid Trumpian escapades. Fifteen separate allegations have been chronicled thus far. Which is a lot of allegators. It's gotten to where you can almost hear Bill Cosby turn to Camille and say, "Well hell, they can't all be lying."

One woman who got bumped up to first class then groped by Trump voluntarily went back to coach. As any traveler can tell you, that's nuclear disgust. Hopefully she ate first. Trump's defense against a couple of the accusations is that the women were too ugly for him to molest, a classic case of defeating your purpose.

One major takeaway from this two-way, slime-slinging fest is that America is destined to place a serial groper and chronic sexual assaulter in the White House. Just depends on where you want him: upstairs puttering around the private residences or behind the desk in the Oval Office.

Copyright © 2016, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former coffee maker at the Wisconsin State Fair. For a calendar of personal appearances including his new one-man show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, appearing every Tuesday at the San Francisco Marsh and the 21st in Grass Valley at the Center for the Arts, go to willdurst.com.

November 2016

OCTOBER SURPRISES.

Something craven infects political candidates as the days dwindle down to a precious few, especially when prospects for victory appear slimmer than an emaciated giraffe in a fun house mirror. It may be darkest before the dawn, but for those scheduled to be executed at first light, the darkness triggers a kind of dastardly creativity that those made of lesser stuff might characterize as desperation.

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Bombshells and October Exposes That Will Make Your Mouth Hang Open Long Enough To Attract Bottle Flies.”

The late hour slandering of an opponent has come to be called the October Surprise and considering the volatile history of this year's campaign we should be prepared for copious disclosures of gargantuan proportions. Not mere October Surprises, but October Lightning Bolts Tossed by Odin Himself, October 80 Megaton Hydrogen Bombshells and October Exposes That Will Make Your Mouth Hang Open Long Enough To Attract Bottle Flies.

And with one week of November in the mix this time around, even more delicious salacious wickedness awaits. Here's a sample of the advertent and inadvertent we can expect in the final five weeks of this-The Most Important Election of Your Lifetime. Yes. Again.

OCTOBER 2.

Breitbart News discovers that when the first words of Hillary Clinton's deleted emails from October of 2009 are arranged chronologically, a love letter to Lucifer is revealed in which she calls him "Smoochie."

OCTOBER 3.

Moveon.org posts a video of Donald Trump shouting the phrase "You're fired" to photos of family members.

OCTOBER 4.

During the Vice Presidential debate, moderators and Longwood University audience members inexplicably fall asleep. Later the CDC dubs the new phenomenon "MDHS: Mass Droning Hypnosis Syndrome" and urges the FCC to prohibit future events from being broadcast on car radios.

OCTOBER 8.

Fox News interviews a high school classmate of Hillary Clinton, who recalls the future Secretary of State going door to door supporting Barry Goldwater and referring to Lyndon Johnson as "a southern-fried booger."

OCTOBER 10.

Photographs showing Donald Trump poking a group of special needs preschoolers with a stick are laughed off by the candidate as "political correctness run amuck." His poll numbers rise.

OCTOBER 14.

On route to a campaign stop in South Carolina, Hillary Clinton rushes into a burning building to rescue a litter of newborn kittens. Her poll numbers do not budge.

OCTOBER 22.

Donald Trump explains that pushing an old lady in a wheelchair down a flight of stairs was a therapeutic attempt to jar loose her cramped muscles. His poll numbers rise.

OCTOBER 24.

Bill Clinton is revealed to have adopted the Twitter handle "Carlos Danger Jr".

OCTOBER 26.

Hillary Clinton trips on a curb and Sean Hannity calls for her withdrawal due to her obvious incurable case of metastasized brain cancer. Her poll numbers drop.

OCTOBER 28.

Murky footage from a surveillance camera of Donald Trump shooting a stranger in the middle of Fifth Avenue in New York City racks up 3 million hits on Youtube in 4 hours. His poll numbers rise.

NOVEMBER 1.

A report surfaces that Donald Trump has a calendar in which October has 32 days. The candidate agrees many people have told him this. Important people. Top people. Despite evidence to the contrary, supporters feel in their heart that it must be true and make plans to vote a day late.

NOVEMBER 8. Trump loses.

Copyright © 2016, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former tour guide. Calendar of appearances including his new one-man show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, every Tuesday at SF Marsh, and Sep 29-Oct 1 in CO— willdurst.com.

October 2016

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

So the conventions are over and we've entered the penultimate stage of this presidential demolition derby and your muted murmurs of "yippee" and "hooray" have been duly noted. That's enough, put the horns away, this is not an overly large celebration.

It took a year and a half, but the presidential field has winnowed down to the major political parties' two anointed nominees: the Donald and the Hillary. Let us pray. And more polarizing figures could not be found with the superconducting magnet at the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva.

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…which is scarier: that one of these two is going to become the next president of the United States or the American people get to decide.”

Thus far the process has been everything but pretty or boring: vicious, petty, puerile, perverse, depraved, savage, a slapstick parody, a travesty of two mockeries of a sham with a little surrealistic burlesque thrown in for good measure.

The next three months promise more of the same on a larger scale with a smaller cast of characters. Like a daytime soap turned into a feature film. With plot twists and special effects and surprise cameos and reverse camera angles and pretty much everything but car chases. Although, with Bill Clinton involved, you can't rule it out.

Expect multi-directional, laser-focused, cluster bomb attacks on two people whose outsized personalities make them targets the size of your proverbial side of the barn. And they will be hit. From 3 feet away. With pointy rocks.

The hardest part is figuring out which is scarier: that one of these two is going to become the next president of the United States or the American people get to decide.

Politicians echo that refrain like hyperactive crickets in the summer dusk: "It's what the American people want." And "Let's see what the American people want." Nooooo. Let's not see what the American people want. Have we learned nothing at all from segregation and civil war and The Real Housewives of Orange County? You want to know what the American people want? We'll tell you what the American people want.

The American People want drive-thru nickel beer night.

The American People want to lose weight by eating potato chips.

The American People think louder is better and deafening is best.

The American People want to climb K-2 in a Lazy-Boy recliner.

The American People want the Supreme Being to help their team beat the other team, totally oblivious that fans of the other team expect the same thing.

The American People require a warning label on their brake fluid to keep them from drinking it.

The American People want to win the lottery without having to buy a ticket.

The American People think any piece of clothing they can squeeze into, fits.

The American People want to make society safer with more guns.

The American People want to visit foreign lands and speak English.

The American People want better schools and roads by paying fewer taxes.

The American People would chew off their own feet if Oprah told them there was liquid gold in their ankle veins.

The American People want to look like George Clooney by getting $10 haircuts.

68% of the American People still believe professional wrestling is legitimate.

The American People have the attention span of tornado-strewn straw.

The American People think the laws of gravity should be repealed.

The American People love the Home Shopping Network because it's commercial free.

God bless the American People.

Copyright © 2016, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former roach coach pilot. For his new one-man show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, appearing every Tuesday at the San Francisco Marsh and other theaters such as the Pioneer in Reno on August 11-13, go to willdurst.com.

September 2016

VENISON JERKY.

If the goal is to cause both sides of the political spectrum to quiver and twitch and shiver and shake like a raccoon clinging to the outside of a cement mixer speeding through a railroad yard, just casually throw out the term, "gun control," and step back. The left considers all guns the reprehensible tool of warriors, criminals and primitives, while in most of red state America, the definition of gun control is using two hands and hitting the target.

Then some addled-brained, flippo-unit actually uses those techniques to take out a bunch of innocent people, and the blowback starts with a debate about how big our guns should be, further restrictions on who can purchase them and whether we need to know the identity and shoe size of the purchasers.

Yes. Indeed. You bet. We do. For crum's sakes, you need to present identification to apply for a card to take a book out of a library. Admittedly, in the right hands, a book can be more dangerous than a gun, but they hardly ever put holes in people's bodies that the blood leaks out of way too quick.

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They're called "assault weapons" for a reason. They're not "tucking kiddies into bed" rifles. They're for assaults. Yes, the Second Amendment guarantees a well-regulated militia the right to bear arms, but at the time our Founding Fathers were talking about citizen-soldiers wielding one-shot muskets, not terrorist-wannabees brandishing HK MG4s capable of shooting 800 .45 caliber bullets in under a minute with a range of a half a mile.”

With increasing frequency, these body counts shoot north into double digits, which triggers a discussion of banning these high-powered, personal weapons of destruction. For a minute. Then the Republicans kowtow to the perverted wishes of their cruel masters, the NRA, which thinks the best way to avoid school shootings is to ban schools.

This same NRA commanded their lapdogs to prevent research into gun-related deaths. That's right, Republicans have refused to allow the funding of government-related, gun-death research. Which is a shame, since America has a surplus of raw data. You could say we are dead solid center of the gun-related death universe. It's like talking about sandwiches in Philadelphia but prohibiting any mention of the cheesesteak. As Holland is to tulips, the USA is to gun deaths.

In the wake of these horrific tragedies, conservatives then predictably go straight to the handbook of NRA generated talking points to say the same things over and over. "Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families." "None of this would have happened if the gay Hispanic dancers were armed." "Assault weapons can be used as legitimate hunting rifles."

Really? That's your argument? Because, okay, it makes a sort of sense. You can also use a chainsaw to cut butter. Might get a little messy around muffin time. Come to think of it, a hand grenade will signal the end of recess. Doorbells can be rung with 12-pound sledgehammers. Once.

They're called "assault weapons" for a reason. They're not "tucking kiddies into bed" rifles. They're for assaults. Yes, the Second Amendment guarantees a well-regulated militia the right to bear arms, but at the time our Founding Fathers were talking about citizen-soldiers wielding one-shot muskets, not terrorist-wannabees brandishing HK MG4s capable of shooting 800 .45 caliber bullets in under a minute with a range of a half a mile.

Hunting weapons? Seriously? What are you hunting? Tanks? A herd of triceratops? Can you imagine someone putting a full clip into a deer at 30 yards? You'd end up with venison jerky. In noun and verb forms. Jerky being the operative word here.

Copyright © 2016, Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Crummies sandwich shop operator. For sample videos and a calendar of personal appearances including his new one-man show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, every Tuesday at the SF Marsh and other theaters, go to willdurst.com.

July 2016

We, Who Are About To Be Beaten With the Ugly Stick, Salute You.

Oh dear. Not pretty. Yes. Already. The upcoming presidential campaign is ugly now and destined to ratchet up to epic uglier as soon as Bernie Sanders decides to bow out. Which is imminent. Not soon enough for Hillary Clinton, but not long.

The Vermont Senator has turned into that drunken cousin who hasn't noticed he's been the last guest for over an hour, cracking open another beer threatening to put his cigarette out in the kids' wading pool. Starting to channel Hotel California. "You can check in any time you like, but you can never leave."

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And conversely, it should be fairly easy to uncover evidence of the Donald's extra-marital shenanigans and voluminous shady deals ...with Trump's supporters, that's not necessarily a negative.”

 

How ugly will the race get? Think randomly-shaved, rat terrier with a fourth premolar infection, mange and a lazy eye… ugly. Naked Sumo mud-wrestling ugly. If this campaign were a baby, you'd have to tie pork chops to its ears to get the dog to play with it. Even the rat terrier of which earlier we spoke.

The hard part is the timing. On both sides. Has the public had its fill of Hillary bashing? She's been taking the hits and shaking them off since first becoming a mote in the national public eye back in 1991.

You remember what Republicans said when she was First Lady. "She's a liar, a thief, a lesbian. She cheated widows and orphans and murdered Vince Foster. With her bare hands. And then ate him." That's when she was First Lady.

Now, as opposition nominee, the kid glo

ves are coming off. "Alien Space Queen Vampire: here to suck dry our precious bodily fluids. Originally the Clintons had 3 children but sold two to a Bangkok brothel. To which Bill makes twice yearly visits."

On the other side, if you don't think the Clinton Machine has had at least a dozen investigators devoted to opposition research for months, you are probably extremely confused by the dampness on days when it rains. They undoubtedly have dug so deep, they know which way Trump's small intestine turns, 30 feet in.

In his patented gracious style, Trump christened his upcoming opponent, "Crooked Hillary," and that's the tame end of the ugly stick. He calls it counter punching, but flick him with a fly swatter and he'll drop you with an elephant gun. Ask any elephant.

The Aerodynamic Coif responded to accusations of his own randy behavior by calling Hillary an enabler of Bill's infidelities. But he needs to tread carefully or risk sharing a crying towel with her 2000 US Senate opponent, Rick Lazio. Who? Exactly.

There's two ways of looking at it. Either Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton has more baggage than the first United flight out of O'Hare after a freak spring blizzard, or there's no meat left on her scandal bone. Like a single sardine tossed over a stone wall into a cat sanctuary.

And conversely, it should be fairly easy to uncover evidence of the Donald's extra-marital shenanigans and voluminous shady deals and suspicious deaths of folks who opposed him. Oh, come on. We've all seen Law & Order: there's a New York developer knocking off enemies and depositing them in the foundations of soon-to-be-erected condominiums every other episode. The only difference is, with Trump's supporters, that's not necessarily a negative. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Copyright © 2016, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former rickshaw driver at Fisherman's Wharf. For sample videos and a calendar of appearances including his new one-man show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, every Tuesday at the SF Marsh. Go to willdurst.com.

June 2016

  1. MAN FOR ALL REASONS

  2. As evidenced by his hair, Donald J. Trump is pretty much wrong all the time. Every time. About everything. Except when he isn’t. One example is, should he become president, Mexico indeed will build a wall. To control our immigration. “Get me the hell out of here. Por favor?” Hell, Canada might have to build one as well. “Hey, let me in dere, ya hoser. S’il vous plait, eh?”
  3. Donnie John is also right about America becoming more religious under his reign, because upon his election, people are going to start praying, “like you wouldn’t believe.” All over the world. The seismic shock caused by millions dropping to their knees on January 21st might crack open a chasm in the planet deep enough to swallow a few of the Seven Seas.
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The Donald also occasionally stumbles into the lobby of the Correctomundo Hotel by embracing such a variety of stances that it wouldn’t be surprising to find Trump University offers a course…”

  1. After being aced out by Ted Cruz for all the Colorado and Wyoming delegates, Trump flailed like a boat-bound goose trying to fly south with its feet nailed to the deck; screaming all the while about the system being rigged, and you know what, he’s right about that one too.
  2. It’s finally sinking in, this isn’t about democracy. This is much more important: this is party politics. In an effort to keep their voices preeminent, the bigwigs have rigged and rerigged the system like a 30-year old trailer park sound system. And on the other side of the aisle, Bernie is hearing similar ugly distortions.
  3. He’s finding the Dems have rules more shady, murky and malleable than a catfish trap in the Mississippi Delta made out of cellophane. Perhaps helps to explain why Senator Sanders eschewed becoming a Democrat until recently.
  4. The Donald also occasionally stumbles into the lobby of the Correctomundo Hotel by embracing such a variety of stances that it wouldn’t be surprising to find Trump University offers a course that teaches the Art of the Blind Squirrel/ Nut Finding Deal.
  5. First he supported an assault weapons ban and background checks, then turned against them. Told Larry King he was a fan of universal health care, now, not so much. The man has adopted more positions than a ballet dancer on a cruise ship. Sometimes during the same interview.
  6. He calls his 180-degree head snapping turns “evolving.” Ever since Ronald Reagan characterized his conversion from Hollywood liberal as an “evolution,” that’s the go-to, buzz-word for politicos. People don’t change their minds anymore. They evolve. Over time. Even people who don’t believe in evolution, evolve.
  7. Since 1999 Trump has gone from Republican to Independent to Democrat to Independent to Republican again. He’s the centrifugal candidate. Started out pro-choice, became anti-choice and now seems to be multiple-choice. And why do his supporters love him? Because he tells it like it is.
  8. No matter what side of an issue you’re on, Trump has been there, done that. Less of a Man for all Seasons than a Man for all Reasons. A businessman too comfortable with the lesions of treasons. Whoa. Too much?
  9. And now Paul Manafort, the shiny new senior advisor, told GOP insiders Trump is simply playing a role and will tone it down for the general election. Praying that we the voters will totally forget to play our roles of people who can’t stand him.
  10. Copyright © 2016, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former bartender in Hurley, Wisconsin. For sample videos and a calendar of personal appearances including his new one-man show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, appearing every Tuesday at the San Francisco Marsh, go to willdurst.com.
  11. May 2016
  1. PLUMP GRUMPS HUMPING TO DUMP TRUMP.

  2. A single Stop Donald Trump movement first developed into a trickle but now the number of GOP groups intent on preventing the New York real estate developer from becoming their presidential nominee is about to exceed broken March Madness brackets. Thanks, Michigan State.
  3. There's the Never Trump Movement, the Anybody But Trump Group, Death Before Trump, Plump Grumps Humping to Dump Trump, the I'd Rather Chew Leeches Crew, People for Responsible Hair, and a group opposed to anybody with UMP in their name.
  4. Rumor has it a group of Hollywood conservatives tried to recruit Tom Hanks to team with Sally Field and create a Super Pac called Forrest Trump, whose motto would be "Don't run, Donald, don't run."
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To many Republicans, Trump versus Cruz is way beyond rock and a hard place; closer to rampaging rhinoceros and train wreck on fire."

  1. As excited as Trump's supporters are over his unorthodox candidacy, his detractors are equally if not more passionate about its necessary demise. And with incumbent Senators, other down-ticket candidates, and people who just enjoy a party, the Anti-Trump Express has gotten as crowded as the last free beer bus to the game.
  2. Chances are folks would flock onboard faster if the welcoming committee wasn't hosted by Ted Cruz. To many Republicans, Trump versus Cruz is way beyond rock and a hard place; closer to rampaging rhinoceros and train wreck on fire.
  3. Each rival group has separate concerns. The establishment elites are naturally wary of any candidate not beholden to their help and influence. Especially since when discussing their raison d'etre:tax cuts, Trump has been all over the map. All over a lot of maps. Not necessarily English-speaking maps.
  4. Some worry he could permanently damage the party brand. Others disparage him as a bloated, bigoted, misogynistic, narcissistic oaf, but emphasize they are not opposed to other bloated, bigoted, misogynistic, narcissistic oafs from holding public office. Mostly a one-time thing.
  5. What we are witnessing is no less than a fight for the soul of the Republican Party, which is like a jurisdictional dispute over the Poetry Wing of the Federal Reserve. Wrestling for the fur of an eel.
  6. Marco Rubio, speaking of Trump's refusal to denounce David Duke, said, "There's no room in the Republican Party for racists." Wow. Knew there were a lot of them; who would of thought all the slots were full? Must be an affirmative action program. Go to Mitch McConnell's office, take a number, wait your turn.
  7. All sorts of strategies have been floated. Manipulating the rules at a contested convention. Organizing a third party. Staging a write-in campaign. Exhuming the body of Ronald Reagan. Kidnapping the Donald, then substituting Paul Ryan, John Kasich or Carol Channing. And something darkly referred to as "The Kennedy Solution." 
  8. Activity intensified after an earlier strategy of the Anti-Trumpers backfired. Mitt Romney gave some silly sanctimonious speech patiently explaining to legions of insurrectionists why they should fall in line and take their marching orders from a loser like him. Wolves have given more charitable speeches to sheep.
  9. What these desperate party regulars fail to realize is getting Trumpeteers to toe the establishment line is beyond futile. You'd have a better shot of herding drunken cats on ice in a hurricane. Best to think of these renegades like venomous ticks. The harder you pull, the more tenaciously they dig in.
  10. Copyright © 2016, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager. For sample videos and a calendar of personal appearances including his new one-man show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, appearing every Tuesday at the San Francisco Marsh, go to willdurst.com.
  1. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS: SCALIA’S REPLACEMENT.

  2. QHas the issue of Justice Antonin Scalia’s replacement on the Supreme Court turned a mite political?
  3. A. You could say that. You could also say that flight simulation wind-tunnels are tough on comb-overs.
  4. Q. How long after the first Italian US Supreme Court Justice’s death did it take to get ugly?
  5. A. Within minutes of the discovery of the body, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell vowed to keep the seat vacant until after the November presidential election. Probably took longer for a family of five to order dessert at Applebee’s.
  6. Q. Is he alone?
  7. A. No, every Republican in North America echoed his sentiments, especially the 6 remaining GOP POTUS candidates who see this as a big red flag to wave at supporters. And since unemployment is below 5% and gas around 2 bucks a gallon, they can use all the issues they can get.
  8. Q. What about the Democrats?
  9. A. Same thing-only different. Both Bernie and Hillary want President Obama to immediately nominate someone they can use to rally the base. Preferably a single-mother lesbian Hispanic with a limp and agoraphobia.
  10. Q. So we’re playing Hardball here.
  11. A. We sidled way past Hardball in 2009. This is 9-inch steel Ball-Bearing Ball.
  12. Q. What is the make- up of the remaining court?
  13. A. 1 justice appointed by Reagan, 1 by GHW Bush, 2 by GW Bush, 2 by Clinton and 2 by Obama. 4 Republicans & 4 Democrats. 5 are Roman Catholics and 3 Jewish. Although most decisions will depend on which side of the bed Anthony Kennedy wakes up.
  14. Q. What was McConnell’s rationale?
  15. A. Let the people decide which way the court swings with their choice of president.
  16. Q. Didn’t the people already decide when they voted for Obama the last 2 elections?
  17. A. When Democrats speak, Mitch McConnell doesn’t hear well.
  18. Q. Does this mean a presidential term lasts only 3 years?
  19. A. Not only that, once this precedent is set, the next Senate could embargo midterm years as well, then the months of May through August since Congress is in recess and not too close to holidays or weekends; until a Commander-in-Chief is only allowed to nominate a SCOTUS replacement on a Wednesday in the third week of September of odd numbered years.
  20. Q. Can the court function with only 8 members?
  21. A. Yes. They’ve done it before. In 1790 they started out with 6 and each decision required a two-thirds majority, which today would make agreeing on a lunch schedule difficult.
  22. Q. Isn’t Antonin Scalia the guy who said, “The only good Constitution is a dead Constitution?”
  23. A. You nailed it. The irony is this strict Originalist would be appalled at his death being used for political purposes. Ain’t life odd?
  24. Q. I’ll ask the questions. If Republicans stymie another Obama nominee, will it be viewed as more obstructionism?
  25. A. Hasn’t hurt them so far. Of course a series of 4-4 ties would focus attention on the vacancy like blood on snow.
  26. Q. Could Obama nominate himself?
  27. A. Yeah. That’s what Republicans want. HIM shaping law in a lifetime appointment. That and scorpions duct-taped to their underwear.
  28. Q. Might this lead to a further breakdown in bipartisan relations?
  29. A. As my daddy used to say: “Can’t kill what’s already dead.”
  30. Copyright © 2016, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former night bellman. For sample videos and a calendar of personal appearances including Elect to Laugh: 2016 at the San Francisco Marsh premiering on March 15, go to willdurst.com.
  1. March 2016
  1. New Yorkie Values.

  2. To taunt his rival and sow seeds of evangelical doubt, Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz informed Donald Trump that the rest of the country was concerned about his alarming New York Values. Totally ignoring the greater danger of the real estate developer’s aerodynamic coif toppling over and knocking innocent supporters unconscious with its hard candy shell.
  3. The jibe was designed as a sly, wink-wink, nudge-nudge attack resurrecting deeply buried stereotypes about urban areas that also managed to carry a faint whiff of racism and anti-Semitism. A dog-whistle the size of the Louisiana Purchase on steroids.
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But is it fair to make sweeping generalizations solely based on longitude and latitude? Well, yes, it is. So...”

  1. This geographic schism has been celebrated in literature for centuries and elevated to a hoary trope by politicians in order to highlight their imagined connection to real rural folk. But if Cruz is the country mouse and Trump the city mouse, a lot of people are rooting for large herds of feral cats to make a speedy entrance.
  2. It’s an age-old rivalry. The difference between paths and sidewalks. Simplicity and glamor. Open spaces or 24-hour supermarkets. Porches versus high-rises. Red and blue. Mosquitoes and muggers. Meadows and low-fat caramel macchiatos.
  3. But is it fair to make sweeping generalizations solely based on longitude and latitude? Well, yes, it is. So, besides New York, what other clichés and prejudices do our little minds instantly make when presented with specific locales? Glad you asked. New Yorkie Values involve a lot of yipping and the sound of toenails scratching on linoleum.
  4. New Jersey Values are almost exactly like New Yorkie Values but with bigger hair.
  5. New Mexico Values boil every question down to whether it goes better with red or green chilies.
  6. New Orleans Values mean partying like there’s no tomorrow and encourages yesterday to bleed into tomorrow and the next day.
  7. New Hampshire Values believe in not just the electric chair, but electric bleachers.
  8. New England Patriots Values mean doing anything and everything to win, including the blurring of boundaries that lesser competitors might consider “the rules.”
  9. New Balance Values take into account sneakers and sneaker accessories.
  10. New Zealand Values revolve around sheep and sheep accessories including effluvium. New Caledonia Values indicate the matrix that occurs when French culture meets the remote South Pacific. Think Tahiti without all the hustle and bustle.
  11. New Delhi Values include not just the hustle and bustle but also cows and cow effluvium where you least expect them.
  12. Washington DC Values are a mix of New Yorkie Values, New England Patriots Values and New Delhi Values.
  13. Hollywood Values are reduced to, “Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.”
  14. Florida Values are indicative of folks who think just plain crazy is not giving it your all.
  15. Texas Values mostly have to do with barbecue, guns and executing people, not necessarily in that order.
  16. Wisconsin Values are totally measured by how the Green Bay Packers are doing. And cheese.
  17. Arkansas Values are more family oriented, and totally understand that fathers can be uncles at the same time.
  18. San Francisco Values are indicative of a tolerance for almost anything, except the intolerant. That we cannot abide.
  19. Berkeley Values are not as restrictive as San Francisco Values.
  20. Madison Values are similar to Berkeley Values but mitigated by snow and cheese and the Packers.
  21. Maine Values are none of your business.
  22. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and margarine smuggler. For sample videos and a calendar of personal appearances including an appearance at Zanies in Chicago Jan 25-31, go to willdurst.com. 
  23. February 2016
  1. WRECKED RECTITUDE

  2. Get out the big black Sharpie and pull down the official Presidential Campaign Manual because its time to redact the rules. Reality television star Donald Trump has altered the way politics is played to an extent that is game-changing. Judged on a scale of one to ten, think somewhere in the mid five figures.
  3. First off, candidates no longer have to worry about looking ridiculous. Actual clowns are now allowed to emerge from the clown car. Opportunism is in, while rationality has been swept off the table, along with class, integrity, decorum, common human decency and hygiene.
  4. Two, shooting from the hip requires way too much preparation. Today’s impromptu candidate says whatever pops into his or her little brain. With the emphasis on the adjective.
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Got a point you want to make but lack the facts to support your position, don’t worry. Just make stuff up. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, as long as it fits your narrative.”

  1. And number 3, the truth is moot. Veracity is for dummies. The creepily coiffed developer hasn’t just lowered the credibility bar, he’s buried it with a front loader so deep you couldn’t find it with a diesel-powered metal detector.
  2. Since time immemorial, politicians have stretched the truth, but credit Trump for finally snapping every scintilla of elastic connection to reality. Bellowing and gesticulating across the country under a canopy of cluelessness, he’s single handedly wrecked rectitude. The carnival barking jester who would be King. Undisputed Master of the Cheap Shot.
  3. Got a point you want to make but lack the facts to support your position, don’t worry. Just make stuff up. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, as long as it fits your narrative. Tell supporters what they want to hear. Even if what they want to hear is mean spirited nonsense. Especially if what they want to hear is mean spirited nonsense.
  4. Invoke bogeymen. The swarthier, the better. Don’t bother answering questions, or responding to issues or events, just keep repeating dubious claims citing improbable sources: “I was told this by people who know. Smart people. Very successful important people. People who farm frogs.”
  5. Mock disabilities. Insult prisoners of war. Disrespect women, Muslims, Mexicans, homosexuals, African Americans, other Republicans and everyone who eats vinegar based coleslaw. And when folks take offense: laugh. Why did The Donald cross the road? To insult a minority on the other side.
  6. Doesn’t matter how many times PolitiFact labels one of his statements “Pants on Fire.” They’re part and parcel of the mainstream media, buddies of Dan Rather, Brian Williams and Lucifer, right?
  7. Suck up to low information voters so accustomed to being lied to by Congressmen who sell themselves to the highest bidder and religious zealots who cheat on the wives and presidents who argue over the definition of the word “is,” that it feels almost refreshing when a candidate doesn’t care if you know he’s lying up front. Hell, even his hair is phony.
  8. “81% of white people are murdered by blacks.” No they aren’t. “I saw thousands of Muslims celebrate 911 in New Jersey.” Then you were the only one. “Mexico is sending their undesirables across the border.” Statements not burdened with the weight of evidence. Who cares? What difference does it make? Birds do it. Bees do it. They all do it. Lie.
  9. So, as the GOP gears up to head down the final lap of their nomination, bid a fond farewell to the party’s legendary figurehead, the Great Communicator, and make room for the Fabulous Fabricator.
  10. Will Durst is an award winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and margarine smuggler. For videos and a calendar of personal appearances including the 23rd annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show, Dec 26-Jan 3, go to willdurst.com.
  11. December 2015
  1. Red Meat vs. Creme Brulee.

  2. If the disappointment of everyone expecting fireworks at the first Democratic debate exhibited itself as perspiration, we could declare the California drought over. A few soggy matches might have been lit but that was it. Heavy on the smoke, non-existent on the flame.
  3. This initial gathering of liberal presidential wannabees did highlight the differing styles of the 2 parties. Both may be big on giving away government money, but Democrats prefer ladling it out to poor people, while the Republicans want to slip it to the rich. Republicans live in Potterville, and the Dems call Bedford Falls home.
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...the GOP demonstrated a penchant for biting off big chunks of red meat which they spat into each other’s faces, while Democrats barely summoned the energy to crack the crust of their crème brulee.”

  1. Even their debating styles are as different as rocket-propelled grenades and rainbow-streamer pinwheels. During their recent spate of infernal internal face-offs, the GOP demonstrated a penchant for biting off big chunks of red meat which they spat into each other’s faces, while Democrats barely summoned the energy to crack the crust of their crème brulee.
  2. At Democratic family functions everybody sits at the kids’ table. With the adults, (Bernie & Hillary) on one side and the three other guys crammed together on the other. They sat up straight and affected nonchalance, but it was clear they were confused by their forks. Overall, civility reigned, with no one pointing out Lincoln Chafee’s eerie resemblance to Grandpa Munster.
  3. Martin O’Malley, languishing in the low single digits in polls with margins of error of mid- single digits, squandered his big chance to secure a passport to Legitimate Contender Ville, by putting the shill in shilly-shally. All the vision and energy of chilled molasses. Uncaptivating crowds by calling for the reinstatement of Glass-Steagall which sounds like a Vegas high roller knick-knack.
  4. Jim Webb approached the whole thing as an audition for a Democratic John McCain tribute band, going so far as to creepily grin while recounting the killing of a Communist. Quick, get his opinion on Sarah Palin.
  5. And no need to break out the drug tests for Lincoln Chafee. No performance-enhancing drugs to be found in his urine. And speaking of Glass-Steagall, this self-described “block of granite” might want to lay off informing people that his vote to repeal was due to the death of his dad. Doesn’t make much sense and loses points for lack of wit.
  6. Focus groups and unrepentant hippies declared Bernie Sanders the winner for his lovable irascibility and corkscrew explanation of how to be a socialist and a good capitalist at the same time. He then inexplicably encouraged them to look to Denmark.
  7. Hillary disagreed, “We are not Denmark,” which surprised a significant portion of the audience who had passed the Eiffel Tower on the way there. But the signature moment was when the Vermont Senator handed the former Secretary of State a political gift the size of Ted Cruz’s ego by saying “the American people are sick and tired of hearing about your damn emails.” His graciousness was trumped only by her insincere laughter.
  8. Although Bill’s wife’s command of the room and the facts made her look, dare we say… presidential, progressives feel the Bern. First a charismatic young black guy, now a charismatic old white guy. Throw in a beret wearing bimbo and Hamlet waiting in the wings and people are starting to misquote Shakespeare… “2nd Place, thy name is Hillary.”
  9. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist and comedian. Go to willdurst.com for info about personal appearances, and the documentary “3 Still Standing” premiering soon at a theater near you.
  10. November 2015
  1. GREED NOT GOOD.

  2. Get this. And get it straight. Gordon Gekko was wrong. Greed is not good. Greed is bad. Greed eats away the core of society like a golden parasitic leech the size of Manitoba. Or Saskatchewan. One of those Provinces or Territories or Protectorates or whatever they use in Canada to keep their license plates distinct.
  3. And practicing and/ or defending greed makes you nothing but a blood-sucking tick no matter how fancy a suit you’re wearing. Or size of the diamonds around your wrist. Or how free-range the organic heirloom Chicken Florentine is on your plate.
  4. The movie “Wall Street” came out in 1987. And after Vietnam and Watergate and an oil embargo and 4 years of scolding by Jimmy Carter, a little irrational exuberance may have seemed warranted. But that was 30 years ago. Too much is no longer not enough. Too much has gotten way out of hand. Today’s too much is much much too much.
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…when a man who sucks up to bigots and racists calls you shameless, it’s definitely time to rethink your priorities.””

  1. In his UN address, the Pope said it best. “A selfish and boundless thirst for power and material prosperity leads both to the misuse of available natural resources and to the exclusion of the weak and disadvantaged.” You know what; he’s right. Got to love Papa Frankie. The guy is like a slightly older more lovable Argentinian Bernie Sanders. With the crank dialed down to a manageable hum.
  2. Let’s be honest; what we’re really talking about here is that idiot CEO, Martin Shkreli who raised the price of the life-saving drug, Daraprim, from $13.50 a pill to $750 each, because, and I quote, he “needs to start making a profit.” A 5,455% increase: which if produce distributors did to onions would make a side of rings about 3 grand.
  3. This rapacious price gouge follows in the carnivorous footsteps of Gilead Sciences who developed a drug called Solvadi, a cure for Hepatitis C. The treatment regimen consists of 84 pills. Each one costing 1000 dollars. That’s right. 84 thousand dollars. But then you’re cured. And after all, how much is your life worth? Half of what you own? Everything? Your first born?
  4. Gilead Sciences is publicly traded, but Turing Pharmaceuticals has no stockholders to report to. Just Shkreli, the former hedge fund manager. A group known for having the same conscience as starving hyenas in heat. These guys make a safari of lion-killing dentists look cuddlesome.
  5. Remember the traders who advised clients to buy stocks that they themselves were getting rid of? Them’s our boys. The mindset of a hedge funder is whatever it takes to make the most money: lie, cheat, steal and worse. They rewrote the book on worse.
  6. And now that worse includes letting people die for profit. We’ve moved beyond taxing hedge fund managers at the same rate as real humans and moved into deciding how long the season should be for hedge fund manager hunting. Bows? Shotguns? Anti-tank guided weapons?
  7. What’s to keep these guys from creating diseases for which their companies conveniently have the antidote? Ethics? How often have Republicans lectured us: there is no ethical consideration, only business.
  8. Speaking of ethically challenged, even Donald Trump called the price hike a disgrace and said Shkreli should be ashamed of himself. And when a man who sucks up to bigots and racists calls you shameless, it’s definitely time to rethink your priorities.
  9. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist and comedian. Go to willdurst.com for info about his new one-man show “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG,” and the documentary “3 Still Standing” premiering at the Roxie in SF on Oct. 9.
  10. October 2015
  1. HIPS, LIPS, TIPS, DRIPS, & SLIPS.

  2. Yeah, I hear what you’re saying. “For all you political comics, Donald Trump must be a dream come true. Manna from heaven. Slam-dunking from a step-ladder. Swimming in a sea of beer.”
  3. Oh sure, there are jokes.
  4. 1. Trump’s presidential campaign is like a baboon’s butt. The higher he climbs, the harder it is to look.
  5. 2. Not saying his message is confusing, but doubt he could convince a majority of the voices in his head to vote for him.
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Wants to run the country like a business. Which is worrisome. Because he seems exactly the kind of guy who would burn it down for the insurance.”

  1. C. Trump doesn’t respect gay marriage because of tradition. And the fact that he’s been married 3 times just makes him… extra traditional.
  2. 54. Wants to run the country like a business. Which is worrisome. Because he seems exactly the kind of guy who would burn it down for the insurance.
  3. Don’t forget the aerodynamic coif. But getting an actual handle on the Big El Nino is as difficult as Klingon calculus. How do you parody a parody? Most candidates cling to talking points the way deep sea divers do air hoses, but to a real estate developer, points apparently are to be avoided at all costs.
  4. He’s all over the place: an anachronistic hybrid, tweeting from the Old West. No notes. No Tele-Prompter. No handlers. The focus of a feather. Shooting straight from the hip and the lip. “Mexicans are rapists.” “John McCain is a poseur.” “Megyn Kelly got hormonal.”
  5. Donald Trump vs. Megyn Kelly: now there’s a sequel worthy of Buckley vs. Vidal. Do you get the feeling America doesn’t care who wins this skirmish as long as one of them loses. Hey, just doing good journalism.
  6. Despite more slip-ups than 3rd graders playing Bombardment in stocking feet on a freshly polished gym floor, the New York developer’s approval rating continues to rise like a pastry factory with a leaky yeast valve. If Reagan were Teflon, the Donald is some sort of space age polymer.
  7. But to say that not all is happy-rama in the GOP theme park is similar to intimating that salted caramel cream puffs make inadequate shock absorbers. The exploits of Walker, Cruz, Rubio and Bush are a PBS afterthought to the daily TMZ shenanigans of Mr. Celebrity Apprentice President.
  8. A finite amount of light is available in a primary campaign, and the brighter it shines on a single spoiled trust fund baby, the less luminosity available for the incredible array of governors and former governors running nearby. With the odd senator thrown in. “Odd” being the operative word.
  9. Then consider that each of the semi-normal politicians is being bankrolled by a totally different collection of billionaires and you can see the problem. The obscenely affluent don’t encourage their kind to run for president. Tends to eliminate the middle-men. The rich prefer their office holders beholden. Puppets with strings are easier to control. As the Donald says, “the system’s broken,” and the people agree.
  10. So here’s a tip for all you professional scoffers sneering at Trump’s chances of winning the nomination, and should he pull that off, disparage as laughable the thought of a victory in the general. Just remember… they said the same thing about Ronald Reagan. And we all know how that turned out. Wonder if another Bush could be talked into the VP slot. There’s synchronicity for you.
  11. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed comic. willdurst.com for info about his new one-man show “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG,” Search for HCMU8TnYBqg on youtube.com for a sample of Durst.
  12. September 2015
  1. DEAD SOLID SUMMER

  2. It is with a gleeful relief we embrace Independence Day. Because this marks the beginning of dead solid summer. The Fourth of July is a red white and blue arrow to the bulls-eye of patriotism, when we celebrate the anniversary of the birth of our country by packing together in crowds, drinking a lot of beer, and blowing stuff up real good.
  3. That’s the thing about summer: it’s loud. Fireworks and motorcycles and outdoor concerts and lifeguards on bullhorns and calliopes. Marching bands, for crum’s sake. The siren song of the ice cream truck interrupting the high-pitched shrieks of kids in pools, and families at the gates of overbooked flights.
  4. Summer heightens the other senses as well. Lemonade so tart it makes your tonsils pucker. The flash of the Stars and Stripes woven through spokes of fleets of bicycles passing a beauty queen waving a rhinestone wand from the back of a convertible. Eating corn on the cob and letting the butter slide right down your arm to drip off your elbow. Having sand caught in the pasty-colored folds of flesh that winter clothing has concealed for 8 months.
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So, savor this brief respite we call summer. Relax. Saunter. Ramble. Gallivant. Meander. For no apparent reason drag a stick along the ground as you walk.”

  1. Summer is the tinny mantra of a baseball game squawking out of a speaker of an AM radio while barefoot at a barbecue eating potato salad that’s been left out in the sun all day. Sweating like a stuck pig and waving brooms at mosquitoes the size of footstools. Ducking stray Frisbees while setting picnic tables with plastic utensils. The benign tyranny of a new swimsuit.
  2. And summer is supposed to be fun. Which can cause a kind of forced march frenzy of anxiety as we become so determined to have a good time we need a vacation to recover from our vacation. How many times have you heard… “Damn it, we’re going to have a good time if it kills us.”
  3. All the meteorologists claim that summer begins at the solstice, which is defined by when the sun takes its most northerly path across the sky. From the Latin for “stand still.” The point at which the days neither lengthen nor shorten. In other words, when time stands still.
  4. That may be the astronomical beginning of summer in the Northern Hemisphere, but it is much less of a fixed date, and more of a state of mind. One that begins when the bell rings for the last class on the final day of incarceration and continues until the sun sets the night before the fall semester begins.
  5. Between now and the MLB All Star Game (The Midsummer Classic), this is the heart of the season. When trips to distant attractions are driven and family reunions attended and sunburns acquired and roller coasters ridden. And then before you know it, in the blink of an eye, Christmas songs are playing on the radio.
  6. So, savor this brief respite we call summer. Relax. Saunter. Ramble. Gallivant. Meander. For no apparent reason drag a stick along the ground as you walk. Skip stones and fly pinwheels and stay cool and dry and vertical. Or hot and wet and horizontal. Whatever works. Happy 239th birthday America. And you know what; in the right light you don’t look a day over 225.
  7. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comic. Go to willdurst.com for info about his new one- man show “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG” appearing July 9- 16 at the Capital Fringe Festival. CapitalFringe.org Check out this example.
  8. July/August 2015
  1. THIS WEEK IN POLY TICKS.

  2. And now for your weekly update in the world of poly ticks.
  3. Run for your lives, people, because it’s complete chaos out there. In the pre- summer rush to wrangle positive press: current presidential candidates, potential presidential candidates, former presidential candidates, former presidents, and current presidents viciously competing for track space in a freakish spectacle of careening into walls and spinning out of control like souped-up bumper cars during a power surge. To say it is not a pretty sight is similar to intimating that encountering hot oily transmission parts in the bowels of your sleeping bag is not an optimal proposition.
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Mike Huckabee defended a member of the extremely fertile Duggar family for the youthful indiscretion of child molestation because apparently the Bible says all white male heterosexual Christians deserve a second chance. Gays and women, not so much.”

  1. Here’s a sampling of the carnage that occurred over the past week:
  2. • Jeb Bush managed to give 5 different answers to the single question, “If you knew what you know now, would you have invaded Iraq?” The former governor of Florida ran the gamut from “indeedie do” to “didn’t understand the question” to “is Iraq the one with the Pyramids?” to “not by the hair of my chinny- chin- chin,” which was criticized by family members as a thoughtless slur aimed at Barbara Bush, especially so close to Mother’s Day.
  3. • Rick Perry answered the same question with a resounding “no” even though it has yet to be determined whether anybody asked.
  4. • That other Bush boy, George W, gave a commencement address at SMU wherein he exhorted C students to not despair, because they too could lead a country into two useless wars and the brink of bankruptcy. Laughter and applause ensued.
  5. • Mike Huckabee defended a member of the extremely fertile Duggar family for the youthful indiscretion of child molestation because apparently the Bible says all white male heterosexual Christians deserve a second chance. Gays and women, not so much.
  6. • Chris Christie was hailed for finally disproving that whole “too big to fail” theory.
  7. • Hillary Clinton deigned to speak to the press after not taking questions for almost a month. Highly unusual for a non-incumbent to run a Rose Garden Strategy, but she does know where it is.
  8. • The questions were in response to the State Department releasing a load of her emails, but it is generally acknowledged that as far as Benghazi is concerned, there were no smoking guns. Not even a slightly tepid fireplace poker. A sultry cat-o’ nine-tails, maybe. But that could be left over from a conjugal visit with Bill.
  9. • Lindsay Graham told CBS’s “Good Morning” he will announce whether he’ll run for President on June 1st then said “I’m running because I think the world is falling apart.” Sort of ruining the surprise.
  10. • Graham will become the 7th Republican to announce his candidacy, which means the GOP is that much closer to achieving its goal of matching each voter with his or her own individual candidate.
  11. • In a charity boxing match that raised over a million dollars, Mitt Romney went 2 rounds with Evander Holyfield, making some psychologists suggest his predilection for getting beaten by African American men borders on the pathological.
  12. • President Obama posted on his new Twitter account. His profile reads, “Dad, husband and President of the United States.” A disconcerting indication of where we stand.
  13. And with 70 weeks before the election, you might want to fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
  14. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comic. Go to willdurst.com for info about the documentary, “3 Still Standing” screening at the Mendocino Film Festival May 29 & 30. Also for calendar listings featuring future appearances such as his new one-man show, “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG” on June 5 & 6th at the Belrose Theatre in San Raphael. thebelrose.com. For a sample, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCMU8TnYBqg
  15. June 2015
  1. BOLTING COLTS & WAGGING NAGS

  2. “And They’re Almost Off.” Yes, the entrance to the 2016 Presidential Derby has officially been flung open wider than the gap between George Bernard Shaw and Pee Wee Herman. Backstage at the Bolshoi Ballet and the snack bar adjacent to the Professional Bowlers Association Hall of Fame gift shop. Horseshoes and mirrors.
  3. At the Republican Leadership Summit in New Hampshire, various contenders staggered out to the starting gate testing the footing of the track with cries of trainers still ringing in their ears: “the race may be many things, but it is not a sprint. A marathon. A steeplechase. A twisted cross-country endurance run on a course designed by masochists, fueled by obscene amounts of cash and overseen by clowns and contortionists. But not a sprint.”
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Rand Paul, son of Ron Paul, not RuPaul, has chosen the slogan, “Defeat the Washington Machine. Unleash the American Dream;” at least 11 syllables too long for your typical spectator’s attention span.”

  1. Establishing position on the far outside rail, Doctor Senator Indian Chief Rand Paul, followed in the hoof prints of Ted Cruz by announcing his candidacy for the GOP nomination wearing the red, white and blue silks of the Tea Party. And visually, the race promises to get awfully giddy with those colors.
  2. Paul tied his campaign to defeating Congress. Which is odd, since he is a member. Track touts might describe this attack as a patriotic form of self-loathing. But in his stable, this is referred to as expedient positioning. AKA: sucking up to the punters.
  3. Rand Paul, son of Ron Paul, not RuPaul, has chosen the slogan, “Defeat the Washington Machine. Unleash the American Dream;” at least 11 syllables too long for your typical spectator’s attention span. Might as well be a racing form printed in Greek.
  4. From a barn in the deep wrinkled shadows of America’s dangling appendage comes Florida Senator Marco Rubio, who claims to be running as the young whipper-snapping colt come to steal the reins of government back from those old nags who refuse to throw off the saddle. No names. (Jeb and Hillary)
  5. The 43 year old son of Cuban immigrants is camera-ready but untested, with the gravitas of dandelion fuzz. And viewed as vulnerable from his right after suggesting an immigration compromise, which ticked off hardliners in the Party-of-No so badly, they nearly dropped a wreath of burning crosses. The good news for Rubio is he doesn’t have to worry about peaking too early.
  6. Nosing around the paddock contemplating a stretch run are almost 20 more potential entrants including a gaggle of governors, a female CEO, and some guy with aerodynamic hair. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, whose both sire and mare are first-time breeders, the Koch Brothers, is not only chomping at the bit but also taking nips at field favorites.
  7. Donald Trump has officially announced plans to form an exploratory committee that will investigate the possibility of him considering a run. Why? Because America needs decisive leadership, that’s why. The publicity- seeking dandy donkey vows to make a decision in June or July, or whenever NBC decides to premiere the new edition of his silly reality show.
  8. In the other closely watched contest, the Democratic Sweepstakes, the only entree so far is that old warhorse, Hillary Clinton, who could very well win in a walk. But don’t lose track of long shot Bernie Sanders who looks to be setting up a table near the final stretch, piled high with monkey wrenches and whips.
  9. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com for info about the documentary film, “3 Still Standing” and calendar listings that feature future appearances such as his new one-man show, “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG”.
  1. PROXY REMATCH.

  2. Might want to stuff your pants pockets with sand and hang onto the rail as the ship of state lurches towards the distinct possibility that the election to next command the helm will be between Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton. The brother versus the wife. Sounds like a probate lawsuit. This promises to be a fabulous development for comedians everywhere, precipitating the resurrection of all our 1992 Bush/ Clinton material. It’s the green thing to do. Recycling meets nostalgia. Together again for the very first time. A rematch by proxy. Now, if only we could coax Ross Perot back into the fray. If Jeb does win his party’s nomination it would mean a Bush has been on their presidential ticket 7 out of the last 10 elections, which is way past dynasty; now we’re talking anti- trust legislation. If Democrats aren’t investigating the possibility of indicting the Bush Family as a monopolistic cartel infringing on the Sherman Act, they’re more clueless than we first thought. Which was considerable.
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The brother versus the wife. Sounds like a probate lawsuit. This promises to be a fabulous development for comedians everywhere, precipitating the resurrection of all our 1992 Bush/ Clinton material. It’s the green thing to do. Recycling meets nostalgia.”

  1. Meanwhile, the GOP is trying to nip all this dynastic chatter in the bud by pointing out that Hillary would be a sequel as well. But a sequel is not a dynasty. She’s only the 2nd Clinton to run. Different than three candidates from the same family by one. Doubt if a third Roosevelt could get elected.
  2. Besides, Hillary is a woman. A concept Republicans aren’t overly hip to. The only woman the Tea Party would nominate is Barbara Bush. Not as a candidate, as a production facility. They fail to grasp how the first person with a y- chromosome deficiency to top a ticket is a big deal. Nor do they understand how disparate the nature is between the 3rd Bush and the 1st woman.
  3. The problem is, Jeb has excited both donors and party regulars. More so than in eight years. You keep hearing, “no, no, you don’t understand, this is the smart one! He takes after mom.” And isn’t that typical? Finally trotting out the smart one the third time around. At least the Dems had the good sense to send up their smart Clinton the 2nd time at bat.
  4. Jeb is the guy who famously said he disagreed with nothing his brother ever did in the White House. Of course, when Hillary was Senator of New York, she stated she could not believe a sitting president of the United States would ever lie to her. Arguments can be made that neither one of them pays close attention. The GOP doesn’t realize how off- putting this whole dynasty thing is to ordinary Americans. Our whole system of government is based on not being a monarchy. As much as the Bush Family likes to hold hands with them, we aren’t Saudi Arabia.
  5. “But Jeb is his own man.” Yeah, sure. An aide to the Right to Rise PAC said 21 members advising Jeb used to work in the Bush I or Bush 2 administrations. W ho’s he going to pick as VP, Dick Cheney?
  6. One consolation about this whole sovereign ascendancy matchup is whoever wins isn’t going to need much of an orientation when it comes to figuring out the lay of the land at the White House. Look at that, we’re saving money already.
  7. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com for info about “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG,” the documentary film, “3 Still Standing.” and a calendar listing future personal appearances.
  8. April 2015
  1. Message. Message. Who’s Got The Message?

  2. Don’t look now, but the Democratic Party is undergoing an identity crisis of such monumental proportions, the Dissociative Identity Disorder people have called and are requesting artifacts for their Hall of Fame. Going to put Obama’s basketball hoop right next to Sally Field’s purple crayon.
  3. In the realm of improbabilities, it’s hard to beat… Democrats and their message. A lot like saying the Eskimos and their convertibles. The Mormons and their all-night dance marathons. ISIS and its art appreciation seminars.
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Want the middle class to turn to you for opportunity, provide some middle class opportunity. For crum’s sake, stand for something. Anything. Besides the national anthem, that is.”

  1. In the wake of suffering what can only be described as the most gruesome drubbing in the history of midterm elections, and yes, that includes the Republican sweep following The Panic of 1893, the Democrats commissioned a report to investigate what the hell went wrong and how to get their mojo back. Although, Harry Reid using the word “mojo” is probably not something you want to be ruminating upon right before bedtime.
  2. Ironically, this was the same self-analysis Republicans turned to after losing the presidency in 2012 to a black guy named Hussein in the middle of a lousy economy. There’s a word for contemplating your navel as a form of meditation: omphaloskepsis. And who can dispute that Democrats are the most naturally omphaloskeptic of the major parties? With Tea Partiers suffering from sesquipedalophobia-fear of long words. And Libertarians most likely to be ablutophobic-which is fear of bathing.
  3. This election post-mortem was based on interviews and studies and surveys and astrological forecasts and ratings on IMDB of the first two Hobbit movies and some random notes found on the backs of spindled lunch receipts and fortune cookie messages but only from indigenously correct restaurants in the Chinatown sections of 4 large metropolitan areas on the west coast.
  4. Though the official report isn’t scheduled to come out until May, preliminary findings of the soul-searching have been released, and the Dems have come to the considered opinion that it isn’t their message keeping them from a humongous pile of electoral victories, but the delivery of it. This time they really do blame the messenger. And it’s them.
  5. Yeah, and Domino’s would be renowned for terrific pizza if only it could figure out how to keep it from arriving cold and mealy with congealed cheese stuck to the inside top of the box. And they used quality ingredients. Oh yeah, there’s that.
  6. Amazingly, this is the same exact conclusion the GOP reached in its post-Romney autopsy. You have to wonder if these guys use the same consultants. And guess what, they do.
  7. Former Democratic National Chairman and Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell blamed his party’s inability to get its point across because “our message is reasonable and intelligent, and almost inherently nuanced.” Well, there’s your problem right there. Inherently nuanced? Yeah, that floats down the middle of Main Street like a buzzard on a zephyr.
  8. Hey guys, the answer is pretty simple. You want to be the smart party, stop doing stupid stuff. You want to be known as a party with a winning message, quit being such losers. Want the middle class to turn to you for opportunity, provide some middle class opportunity. For crum’s sake, stand for something. Anything. Besides the national anthem, that is.
  9. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com for info about “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG,” and the documentary film, “3 Still Standing,” plus a calendar listing future personal appearances.
  1. March 2015
  1. THE NEW ICE AGE.

  2. “And that’s it for sports.”

  3. “Thank you Robert for the fascinating premier of your exclusive in-depth Channel 7, twelve-part series on underinflated balls, Can’t wait to see what balls you have for us tomorrow. And now, here’s Wayne with our exclusive Channel 7 Eyewitness Weather and your new up-to-the-minute national weather report, brought to you by Easy—the drug that will make you never wonder why. Ever again.”
  4. “Well, thanks Padma. Hello Foggy Bottom. Batten down the hatches people, because it’s about to get chilly out there. Not just cold. Long Island Ice Tea on a Vermont porch in January cold. Nostril hair cracking cold. Ice cube tray down your pants cold. Tongue stuck to the flagpole cold. Beyonce’s sister talking to Jay-Z cold.
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Storm clouds are gathering and the Doppler Radar indicates the Capital climate will become so incredibly frigid, the entire country is at risk of freezing solid over the next two years. And maybe longer, as the tropical winds of compromise appear to have been eaten by El Nino.”

  1. Due to a stubborn high-pressure system emanating from the bases of both the left and the right, the immediate political forecast is for a long hard freeze to descend upon Washington DC and stay there. After that, arctic relations are expected to crystalize, until all political activity grinds to a halt in the same kind of gridlock that sang the Wooly Mammoths to their rest.
  2. The long-term outlook isn’t any rosier. Expect increasing rhetoric with gusts of empty blather to result in virtual legislative permafrost. Storm clouds are gathering and the Doppler Radar indicates the Capital climate will become so incredibly frigid, the entire country is at risk of freezing solid over the next two years. And maybe longer, as the tropical winds of compromise appear to have been eaten by El Nino.
  3. On one side, you have a decidedly frosty GOP Congress promising that anything and everything the President sends is DOA. The issue could be the Republican dream of tort reform but if it comes from the desk of the Chief Executive-color it El Morte.
  4. While a distinctly icy Barack Obama has announced he’s prepared to unleash a blizzard of VETOs on any legislation that threatens his legacy. Which theoretically is anything. These two clashing icebox fronts could rival in intensity the cyclonic activity that has engulfed the great red spot on Jupiter for over 300 years.
  5. The two sides are so far apart they can’t see each other due to the curvature of the earth. And the lack of even glacial progress insures that snowy drifts of abandoned bills will accumulate on Congressional desks. So, like normal; only more so.
  6. Folks out there in our viewing area might want to make a quick trip into town for provisions, because the biting winds and refrigerated relationships are going to make a hundred polar vortexes look downright balmy.
  7. With bitterly biting ideological winds, heavy rains of disregard and no relief in sight, the 114th Congress looks destined to earn the nickname of… The New Ice Age. As they say in Game of Thrones: “Winter is Coming!” And not just any winter: nuclear winter.
  8. So there you have it. The new up-to-the-minute exclusive Channel 7 national weather report, brought to you by Easy—the drug that will make you never wonder why. Ever again. Stay tuned as Heather unveils exclusive footage of how a rescue of baby kittens from a discarded piano makes for beautiful music. And cute too.”
  9. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about about his new one-man show “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG,” and info about the San Francisco premier of the documentary film “3 Still Standing,” @ the Marines Memorial Theater.
  1. February 2015
  1. HOLIDAY OF GUILT.

  2. The autumn dark is lengthening, which harkens the English-speaking, Judeo-Christian Holiday Season is about to split open wider than a crocodile mouth at the bottom of a baby duckling water slide. It begins with Columbus Day. No mail and the banks are closed. Much is to be said for starting slow. Then the downward hurtle is set off by Halloween, when people toss about candy, free, incognito.
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…here in California, our one true unifying religion is recycling…perhaps allowing us to inhabit the planet a few weeks longer.”

  1. Fast forward to the favorite holiday of liberals all over California. The eagerly awaited, down-home, secular celebration, known for bringing families together every November. The one day a year dedicated to giving, not receiving. Of course, we’re talking about America Recycles Day on November 15.
  2. Don’t know about you, but in the Durst household, there’s something magically comforting about the grand traditions that have grown up over generations. Brown, blue and green stockings hanging from every fireplace mantle. The wacky winnowing ceremony that marks the traditional draining of the liquor cabinet into one big punch bowl. The pulsating glow from dozens of festive landfill tire-fires dotting the landscape.
  3. Mandatory middle school pageants dedicated to raising high the 3 R mantra of the season: “Reduce, Reuse & Recycle.” How that phrase echoes across the land! Sure, some kids today consider it dopey and old fashioned, but our little Eloise & Madaleine still squeal with delight while cleaning out the compost bin on America Recycles Day Eve.
  4. So that it appears brand spanking new in the morning when beloved Happy the Vulture drops off sustainable presents to reward all the good little boys and girls who separated their straws from their juice boxes, depositing them in the proper receptacles the previous year.
  5. Gathering round the dining table that was once a telephone wire spool, after a socially responsible breakfast of locally sourced egg substitutes, pork belly flavored tofu and an array of organic greens, the whole family troupes down to the annual Recycling Parade, where participants dressed in green biodegradable bubble wrap ride on solar-powered garbage trucks and toss edible barks and mosses to the teeming crowds.
  6. Then the big evening family get-together at Grandmama’s house, where one of the uncles dresses as Happy or one of his dung beetle buddies passing out environmentally-friendly gifts. Many which are re-gifted to a clot of kids wearing wrinkled red crepe hanging from their necks going door to door singing ecological carols. Such as the merrily enchanting, “Can It. Save the Planet!”
  7. Conservatives continue to malign this movement, as evidenced by their annual “War on Recycling Day;” banning blue bins from government building cafeterias. But here in California, our one true unifying religion is recycling. Even if the complete blessing of the goddess Gaia will never be realized, our recycling frenzy blazes a path to the future: fostering a gentler and cleaner society, perhaps allowing us to inhabit the planet a few weeks longer.
  8. And for all those who mock our liberal spirituality, accusing us of having as many gods as haircuts, just bear witness to our devotional manifestation once every week when we stagger to the curb with our holy sacrificial offerings, reverently reflecting for hours on what goes where. And in another eerie parallel, just like with normal religions, it’s all pretty much based on guilt.
  9. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. willdurst.com for for info on “3 Still Standing,” personal appearances such as his hit one- man show “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG”.
  10. December 2014
  1. THE ORANGE AND BLACK.

  2. Here it comes. Creeping down dark alleys. Overturning garbage cans and spooking black cats. The scariest day of the year. With the exception of your next birthday, that is. Halloween. All Hallow’s Eve. The night preceding All Saint’s Day. Time to carve a gourd.
  3. Besides being an excellent excuse to gorge on candy corn and toffee apples it is also an occasion used by many religions to honor deceased relatives by placing lighted candles on the graves of the dead. Probably where that whole ghosts and witches and ghouls and devils thing got started. How pink princesses, Ninja Turtles and Mickey Mouse got thrown into the mix, is anyone’s guess.
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…begging for treats and threatening to play tricks if none are given. Behavior, seemingly leaked over from Halloween’s holiday neighbor: Election Day.” ”

  1. Supposedly, Celtic pagans (or is it pagan Celtics) originated the merrymaking way back in the BCs with something called Samhain, a harvest festival halfway between the autumnal equinox and the Winter Solstice. Designed as a blowout before the onset of winter, (Winter is coming!) it featured much feasting and not a little drinking, if you catch my drift. There very well may have been carousing. Not to mention reveling and frolicking. These were pagans, after all.
  2. Then around the 8th century, Catholics introduced All Saints Day into their liturgical calendar to honor dead saints: just happening to coincide with the extant partying. So all good little Christians could still have their fun honoring dead people; but do it in the name of the Lord instead of some Wicker Guy destined to burn up in a big bonfire. If you can’t beat em, conjoin em.
  3. Today Halloween has morphed into a hodgepodge of ever evolving rituals including scary movies and wearing costumes and traipsing door to door begging for treats and threatening to play tricks if none are given. Behavior, seemingly leaked over from Halloween’s holiday neighbor: Election Day.
  4. In some municipalities the orange and black has become nothing less than a loosely organized bacchanalia. (named after Bacchus, one of the old gods of which we previously spoke) Entire districts of whole towns given over to mass feasting and much drinking and very definitely- carousing. Because we are the neopagans. Of course, for those living in San Francisco and New Orleans, Halloween is redundant.
  5. It is a murky and confusing time, which may come from October and November stemming from the words eight and nine, but being the tenth and eleventh months of the year. For this we can thank Julius, that wacky Emperor, who altered the Roman calendar from 10 months to 12, naming one of them after himself. And his buddy Augustus. It was a Caesar thing. Like a salad.
  6. Then, when Halloween ends, the black and orange will be taken down and the red and green will go up. And every third radio station will begin playing non- stop Christmas songs. Another Christian celebration merging with a pagan one. Saturnalia was held following the solstice to celebrate the dragon not eating the sun, and the return of the light. Again: pretty much exactly what Christmas is all about.
  7. Then down the line, there will New Year’s Eve, and both it and Christmas and Thanksgiving, will all be observed by a whole lot of feasting and not a little drinking. Not to mention carousing, reveling and frolicking. Oh, my, yes, there will be frolicking. Anyone beginning to detect a pattern here?
  8. Copyright © 2014, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com for more about the documentary film “3 Still Standing,” at the Austin Film Festival.
  1. November 2014
  1. WHERE’S MY iPONY?

  2. Shake off the blues, put on your shoes, and tell grandma the news: the next generation iPhones are here. Cue the “woo- hoos.” And guess what: they’re huge. Or not. You choose. It’s like iGoldilocks. There’s a small, a medium and a large. And the best part—no bears.
  3. The iPhone 6 is a little bigger than the previous models but the iPhone 6 Plus looks like they shrunk the Minipad. Or tiny iPad. Or whatever they call it. “Is that an iPhone 6 Plus in your pocket or are you just really, really happy to see me?” All across America, Baby Boomers are raising 8 ounce glasses of prune juice in grateful toasts. They can finally see their buttons. These phablets are fabulous.
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Can’t figure out what it is about these modern communication devices that makes people so crazy. You never hear Lexus owners bashing Acura drivers for finally acquiring contrasting leather stitching on their reclining heated leather seats.”

  1. In other fruit computer news, the iWatch did not turn out to be the iWatch: it’s the Apple Watch. Even though the company filed for trademark protection in about 100 markets for the right to call it the iWatch. Of course, the wrist- bound marvel doesn’t become iAvailable until 2015. Or when iSwatch freezes over.
  2. In response to the new releases, the Galaxy Android Samsung contingent (GAS) has ramped up their troll-like flame campaign to shame and defame Apple for belatedly matching the lame technology of their sacred superior smart phones. But in such a piercing stridency, one thinks — perhaps they doth protest too much. If whining were beer, these guys would be a frat party during Octoberfest. In Bavaria.
  3. Can’t figure out what it is about these modern communication devices that makes people so crazy. You never hear Lexus owners bashing Acura drivers for finally acquiring contrasting leather stitching on their reclining heated leather seats. Brioni doesn’t claim that Kiton suits are seasons-old knock-offs with materials drawn from substandard sheep. Wustof wouldn’t dream of accusing Henckels of stealing their edge design. They might think it.
  4. People, settle down. For crum’s sake. Who cares? They’re phones. A few cosmetic differences but 99% exactly the same. Anyone depending that much on an accessory for their identity doesn’t need a new phone, they need a new life. Smart phones wielded by dumb users.
  5. And next time, pick a feud that’s two- sided: Appleheads couldn’t care less about you Androidites, which probably heightens the frustration. Of course the Apple community is so myopically loyal they would line up to buy the next iteration of Jobsian progeny even if the only new feature was a rotary dial. “No battery? You got to plug it into an outlet? Will it still have the cute little Apple logo and be almost completely useless as a phone? Okay. Whatever.”
  6. Used to be the hippest of phones kept getting smaller until it seemed you would need tweezers to make a call. But with streaming video such a big part of our lives, we’re headed towards a 19 inch model that requires iSaddlebags on an iPony to shepherd it across town. All optional, of course.
  7. Then again, a few of us are still waiting for the phone that will dry the dishes and do the laundry. “Siri? Are you down there? Don’t forget to separate the colors. I swear. That girl would lose her head if it weren’t preinstalled.”
  8. Copyright © 2014, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com for more.
  1. October 2014
  1. SMUG SHOTS.

  2. Knew he shouldn’t. Couldn’t help himself. Talking about the beaming leer in Rick Perry’s mug shot. Or to be more precise, his smug shot. In the photo released by the Austin Police Department, the Texas Governor grins like a Cheshire cat who just cleaned out the canary department of a PetSmart and is pre-setting his Lexus’ GPS for another store.
  3. Because he vetoed the budget of the Travis County Attorney General who refused to resign following a drunken driving conviction, Perry is now being indicted on two federal felony counts relating to abuse of power. Which for a politician is real similar to being accused of breathing through their mouth. No big deal. The loyal opposition is programmed to consider all power abusive. A fact extensively covered in the freshman orientation pamphlet.
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In the photo released by the Austin Police Department, the Texas Governor grins like a Cheshire cat who just cleaned out the canary department…”

  1. The three reasons he’s smirking are obvious. One: there’s a better chance of being struck by lightning while holding Charlize Theron’s purse stuffed with winning Powerball tickets, than being convicted. Two: he can wear these charges as a loud red badge of partisan courage, rekindling presidential aspirations. As for the third thing… well, he’ll have to get back to you. Ooops. 
  2. This is all proof that today- any and or all publicity is good publicity. Andy Warhol’s future has arrived and taken over the conference room. Famous for 15 minutes. That’s the goal. You don’t have to be talented or accomplished or good looking or an artist or even credible. Just get your name and face out there. Get on television. Even basic cable. By hook or by crook or by booking photo.
  3. Arianna Huffington sold her website to AOL for $315 million based on the business model of rounding up scores of scripting serfs who will write for free. With 7 series and a spate of spin- offs, the Bravo Network has practically given up on narrative programming, morphing into the Real Housewives or Women be Fighting and Stuff Network. The Weather Channel has a new reality show called 3 Fat Guys in the Woods, which infringes on absolutely no fairness in advertising doctrines. Anybody can be a star. Build your brand. We’re all one viral post away from the big time.
  4. The NFL has attempted to harness these ambitions by charging musical acts to perform at their Super Bowl Halftime Show. The three finalists, Katy Perry, Coldplay and Rihanna have each been asked to pony up for the privilege of performing in front of billions of people AND to kick back a slice of their post-show concert tour. Next they’ll want an NFL logo carved in the haircut of the bass player. And who’s going to argue? It’s the bass player.
  5. The most humane solution would be for the NFL to pay viewers to watch their overproduced lip-synched parody of an extravaganza. Or maybe just go back to marching bands and Frisbee-catching dogs. But where’s the money in that?
  6. Kim Kardashian’s new iPhone app is expected to make over 100 million dollars, this year alone. The goal of the game is to do anything and everything to become famous. Just that. Fame. It’s all about the exposure. Of course, in the Midwest we were taught you can die from exposure. Then again, couldn’t happen to a nicer couple than Rick Perry and Kim Kardashian. And the 3 Fat Guys in the Woods.
  7. Copyright © 2014, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about the new documentary film “3 Still Standing,” and a calendar guide to personal appearances.
  8. September 2014
  1. My 2¢ • Will Durst
  2. HOW TO WATCH THE WORLD CUP.

  3. The refrain has echoed across the globe our entire lives. “The World Cup Is The Most Exciting Sporting Event On The Face Of The Planet. Bigger than the Super Bowl, Stanley Cup and World Series combined and go ahead, throw in the next Star Wars movie especially with Carrie Fischer and Harrison Ford dragging their walkers through it.”
  4. We Americans should be congratulated for finally growing up and stopping with the mocking, “Oh, really. Soccer? So what’s the second most exciting sporting event on the planet then, the Norwegian Army Widows Seal Clubbing Tournament? Does the Desert Tricycle-Built-for-2 Marathon Relay Seniors Tour come in third?”
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The World Cup should be watched with people. Preferably at a bar frequented by the countrymen of the team you’re rooting for. But do some research. You don’t want to show up at a French bar in Italian colors. As simple as wearing green instead of blue.”

  1. No. We’re sophisticated now. Look at the huge leaps Major League Soccer has made in the last couple years, easily propelling itself to 8th or 9th most popular team sport in the country, right behind football, basketball, baseball, hockey, bowling, beach volleyball, polo and lacrosse. And maybe badminton. Jai Alai. And in some regions, cow tipping and pie eating.
  2. But whether you call it soccer, futbol or boring, Pele got it right when he called it: “O jogo bonito.” The Beautiful Game. We occasional spectators from the Estados Unidos just need to learn how to watch the darn thing.
  3. HOW TO WATCH THE 2014 WORLD CUP.
  4. Choose a team to root for. Every match. Pick the land of your ancestors. Or the land next to the land of your ancestors. Teams from your own hemisphere. Orange is your favorite color. Been there. Always wanted to go there. But always root for the underdog, because that could include us.
  5. Choose teams to root against. Hiss and boo the squads whose victory would impede your favorite’s progress or just root against overbearing bullying countries. Which again, could include us. Root against the country that invaded the land of your ancestors. Or go traditional, and root against the Axis powers. Or some of the more obstreperous Allies.
  6. The World Cup should be watched with people. Preferably at a bar frequented by the countrymen of the team you’re rooting for. But do some research. You don’t want to show up at a French bar in Italian colors. As simple as wearing green instead of blue.
  7. If you must watch it at home, turn on Univision, not ESPN. The announcers are much more entertaining. You know the guy who goes “GOOOOOAAL” when someone scores? He screams like that all the time: at a penalty, when someone almost scores, even when players trip and fall, clutching their face like they were sliced by a machete. Which is not flopping. Its injury simulation.
  8. You need a big ass TV. The bigger the better. 70 inches is a good start. Because soccer is fond of cameras fastened to the inside edge of the International Space Station.
  9. Make your own red and yellow cards and hold them up when you need snacks or beer. Really makes non-watchers feel part the game.
  10. Complain about the refereeing. Every knowledgeable fan does. These guys don’t speak the same language as the players. But they do have spray paint. Which is so cool. Something the NFL might want to consider.
  11. And go USA. And anybody who plays the country that invaded the land of your ancestors. Which, once again, could be us.
  12. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new one-man show “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG,” info about the upcoming documentary film “3 Still Standing,” and a calendar guide to personal appearances.
  1. July 2014
  1. Welcome to the Real World.

  2. And now an open letter to all you new grads. Congratulations. Good job. Way to go. Bet you thought this day would never come. And if memory serves, it probably almost didn't. Anyhow, welcome to the real world. And please be aware that we use that term very loosely.
  3. You're going to love it out here. Might find it surprisingly similar to what you just left behind. Only different. For one thing: Sleeping through first hour is generally frowned upon. And alas, not as many keggers. Less pot as well. Unless you're headed into investment banking.
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Surely you've been treated to all the clichés. "Winners never quit and quitters never win." "Get up one more time than they knock you down." "Nose and toes the same way goes." Blah. Blah. Hoo-dee-doo.”

  1. Obviously, most of the advice you've gotten so far has been as predictable as Nat King Cole in an elevator while Christmas shopping at Macy's. Surely you've been treated to all the clichés. "Winners never quit and quitters never win." "Get up one more time than they knock you down." "Nose and toes the same way goes." Blah. Blah. Hoo-dee-doo. Unrealistic optimistic idealistic balderdash. As helpful as a smiley face lapel pin on a Mylar balloon.
  2. What you really need are tips that will shoot straight through all the bourgeois and cut to the chase. To tell it like it is. Guidance to help navigate the fjords of chaos that inevitably await where grown- ups interact. And you've come to the right place, because here they are. A goodly number of life-proven pieces of real world advice for today's grads. Might not be what you want to hear but guaranteed to help. Well. Not going to hurt. Well…
  3. WILL DURST'S TOP TIPS FOR TODAY'S GRADS.
  4. • When someone says "This is not about money," it's about money.
  5. • The 5 second rule does not apply to ballparks, bus stations or hospital waiting rooms.
  6. • Getting a tattoo is like feeding gremlins: don't do it after midnight.
  7. • No matter what you see in movies, overturned wooden tables are not adequate protection from assault weapons.
  8. • When people say, "I'm not a racist, but…" they're racists.
  9. • You can't fix stupid.
  10. • Sure, sure, he's your best friend, but get it in writing.
  11. • Nothing in the world is as underrated as a good nap.
  12. • Maintain and move on.
  13. • Two words: duct tape.
  14. • That high pitched noise that only you can hear: it's the "Screw You" buzzer. Don't worry. Only goes off occasionally.
  15. • Always marry someone smarter than you. Of course, then they're marrying someone dumber than they are. But that's their problem.
  16. • Gambling is a tax on people bad at math.
  17. • Hazing happens in the real world as well. It's called a mortgage.
  18. • Life is too short for Kirkland champagne.
  19. • Everyone is ditchable. Including you.
  20. • Never ever trust anybody who says "At the end of the day." At the end of the day it gets dark.
  21. • When they ask your name at Starbucks, once in a while, tell them "Rumplestilskin."
  22. • Backing into parking spots allows for quicker getaways.
  23. • Not only is laughter the best medicine, it's really hard to O.D. on the stuff.
  24. • If you fall, and you will: fall forward.
  25. • Stay cool and dry and vertical. Or hot and wet and horizontal. Whichever works.
  26. • And finally, when someone says, "you'll like these people, they're a fun group," you can rest assured they have the collective sense of humor of an end table.
  27. Copyright ©2014, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new one- man show "BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG," info about the documentary film "3 Still Standing,"
  1. June 2014
  1. GLASSWIPES.

  2. Atsunami of tech is engulfing our nation, and in the process, redecorating communities like a family of grizzly bears locked in a Volkswagen Van. A family of obscenely paid bespectacled grizzly bears with a taste for artisanal toast.
  3. Remember back in high school when the freaks and geeks and nerds were ostracized and used as objects of scorn and derision? Well, pull out the yearbooks, pom poms and letter sweaters because those halcyon days are back. Although a lot of us will be skipping gym class. Atomic wedgies all around.
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…who are the real Glasswipes here? The insular entitled techie menace…or the rest of us desperate supplicants, poised to wipe their tiny windscreens clean with our miniature squeegees?

  1. The nerds have come full circle, shedding their recently acquired soft fuzzy status as lovable underdogs to once again be reviled, this time as hipster locusts laying waste to traditional neighborhoods with their voracious appetite for kale, quinoa and six- dollar cups of aged Sumatran eggnog macchiatos. With a free trade, shade grown cinnamon rinse, of course.
  2. Here in the Bay Area, Google has become the early adopter of cascading contempt through such high profile projects as Google Glass, the eyeglass computer only available to the precious invited few, and Google Buses, reserved for the precious fewer. These luxury roach coaches hijack and misuse municipal infrastructures to ferry the pork pied Masters of the Universe 2.0 from deep dark cities central to idyllic oases in Silicon Valley. Where they are fed free gum and candy.
  3. Stretching their motto of “don’t be evil” into elastic threads, Google recently constructed a large barge in the middle of San Francisco Bay, refusing to tell the public or government officials its intended use. Facing an ultimatum to reveal the purpose or move, the barge was floated under the cover of darkness to Stockton. Another is moored in Portland Maine; both suspiciously equidistant from Omaha, Nebraska. Doesn’t bode well for Warren Buffett.
  4. Known simply as Glass, the computerized spectacles look like something out of the Borg accessory catalogue, and double down on those blue tooth earpieces that make it difficult to distinguish between investment bankers and the crazed homeless. Like there’s a difference.
  5. All men are created equal, but some are more equal than others and those desiring to appear most equal are shelling out 1500 dollars for this strap- on symbol of techie privilege. Ostensibly still in beta phase, the hype, however, is overwhelming anticipation, running the risk of Glass turning obsolete before its general release- the laser disc of wearable computers. Betamax Glass. Besides, most everybody is waiting for Apple to make them user friendly, anyway.
  6. Meanwhile, irrevocable damage is being done through permanent alterations to the landscapes onto which the ravaging techsters have descended. This October, the shares of Twitter employees are fully vested and 2,000 millionaires will hit the streets of San Francisco. And people will speak dreamily of the good old days when a studio in the Mission with no parking and the smell of old men embedded into the walls, only cost $3500. OK, Glass, evict.
  7. Because of the vast monies being bandied about, all of us will be forced to cater to these concentrated hordes, raising the question, who are the real Glasswipes here? The insular entitled techie menace, blissfully traipsing down sidewalks bemusedly contemplating cat videos on their face- borne computers, or the rest of us desperate supplicants, poised to wipe their tiny windscreens clean with our miniature squeegees? There’s an app for that.
  8. Copyright ©2014, Will Durst. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new CD, “Elect to Laug,.
  1. May 2014
  1. The Frigid Fracas

  2. After an absence of 25 years, it's downright ducky to be able to welcome back one of the great socio-politico conflicts in the history of the planet. How about a round of applause folks, because the Cold War is back and it's colder and warrier than ever.
  3. Like an old friend popping up on your doorstep after moving to South America or Akron a quarter century ago, it is with a mixture of exhilaration and dread to see him again. All the right words are mouthed: "No, YOU look exactly the same," but inside you're praying he's just here for a quick visit and no extended stay. "So, what are your plans?"—
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Besides, many more opportunities for corruption exist in a democracy than socialism. Who knew? And the Super Powers have gone the way of Howdy Doody and penny candy. Less relevant than chrome bumpers and tinfoil-covered rabbit ears.”

  1. To MI6, the British Intelligence Foreign Section Division, the Cold War was an extension of a conflict with Russia that began in the early 19th Century. To we USAers, it was a post WWII battle for the eternal soul of mankind. But it doesn't matter what you call it: Great Game, Frigid Fracas, Siberian Skirmish: the Cold War is guaranteed to ice your nerves and frost your sense of security. Freeze dried tension. Refrigerated Tang with a shot of paranoia.
  2. Now that the mumps, measles and polio are on the comeback trail as well, the Teens are starting to look like the 50s all over again. The future will be televised in black and white, comforting we early Baby Boomers who always remained skeptical of that whole multi- hued thing. And like the Twilight Zone was scarier in black and white, so was Nikita Khrushchev. As was Speedy, the Alka- Seltzer mascot.
  3. The return of this Arctic Animus means all sorts of retro activities accompanying it. Saber rattling. Nuclear standoffs. Propaganda, espionage. One inch wide ties. Poisoned- tipped umbrellas and exploding cigars, right around the corner. And Hula Hoops, only now they come with an app.
  4. This won't be your father's ideological confrontation, however. No longer a showdown between Democracy and Communism, because that fight is history like shag carpeting. Russians may dream of Mother Russia but everybody else in the world wants to be Americans.
  5. Besides, many more opportunities for corruption exist in a democracy than socialism. Who knew? And the Super Powers have gone the way of Howdy Doody and penny candy. Less relevant than chrome bumpers and tinfoil-covered rabbit ears.
  6. No, this is more like that boxing movie Hollywood recently released with Stallone and DeNiro. Two aging Mediocre Powers trying to rekindle a dubiously-remembered time gone by in an age where you can watch Indonesian soap operas on your eyeglasses while walking over the street in an air conditioned skyway.
  7. Putin ostensibly sent troops into Crimea because he was worried about the rights of its citizens. Putin. Worried about the rights of others. Unh- hunh. Real similar to a bobcat worried about a poodle's breakfast. A shark concerned with breakfast's feelings. Bacteria worried over spoiling breakfast. Ask the Chechens about Mister KGB standing up for people's rights. Or Pussy Riot.
  8. And while the world retreats into a circle around the two combatants, Putin and Obama are busy picking teams for their recycled rivalry. Considering the playground nature of this squabble, wouldn't be surprised if it came down to shirts and skins. Pretty sure Putin is going to choose skins.
  9. Copyright ©2014, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. One of three Bay Area comedians to be featured in the documentary film "3 Still Standing." To find out more about the post- production fundraiser on Thursday, March 27, 2014, at Alfred's Steakhouse, go to 3stillstanding.com. Info: willdurst.com
  1. April 2014
  1. GREEN RUSH MUNCHIES.

  2. Easy to imagine an arena full of Phish fans raising and waving their lighters to honor US Attorney General Eric Holder for suggesting the feds might help states that legalize pot by allowing dispensaries to utilize banking services. Way to go, Super AG. That's so incredibly righteous of you.
  3. These days, everyone dealing with marijuana distribution is forced to use cash in financial dealings. To buy inventory, pay employees, stock up on munchies, tip the pizza dude, everything. Even cover their taxes. Problem is, those amounts of dead presidents tend to attract the sort of unsavory company you normally associate with orange jumpsuit-wearing, ankle-shackle sporting, border-tunnel digging, Vin Diesel movie-watchers.
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Convincing politicians to stop lumping all drugs together would be a major victory. In their condemning zeal, they admit to no gradations. But even a fifth grader can tell you that heroin is to pot like an Uzi is to a banana. Heroin kills. Pot giggles.”

  1. 19 states have already approved medical marijuana and in 2014, the citizens of Oregon, Alaska, California, Arizona and DC will vote to legalize it for recreational use, joining Washington and Colorado in the Pot Club. The smoke, it is a wafting. Banks can smell the money and are itching for a taste of the action. Lawmakers themselves are jonesing for additional revenue. You've heard of squeezing blood out of a turnip? Think of this as scraping green off the green. A phenomenon that pot journalist Jack Rikess calls "Grassnost."
  2. Grass. Tea. Weed. Reefer. Mary Jane. Wacky tobaccy. Herb. Hemp. Happy leaf. Hippie lettuce. Parsley. Oregano. Cabbage. Chronic. Ganja. Da kine. Doobie. Dope. Blunt. Bone. Bud. Smoke. Spliff. Stank. Schwag. Shanizzle. Sticky icky. Indica. Tetrahydrocannabinol. The assassin of youth. Hairy purple skunk balls. Whatever brand name you prefer, lines are forming at the trampoline for corporate America to jump on The Green Rush Bandwagon.
  3. Even President Obama admitted marijuana is no more dangerous than alcohol and he should know. As opposed to Bill Clinton, who never inhaled, some skeptics doubt the 44th POTUS ever exhaled. In high school, as a member of the Choom Gang, he was noted for cutting off passing joints, intercepting extra hits. Seems to have lost some initiative in the days since. Typical.
  4. But brah's right. Consider how many steps it takes to produce a bottle of whiskey. Not like you can walk into the backyard and pick a Daiquiri off the Cocktail Tree. Pot, however, grows right out of the ground. They don't call it "weed" for nothing. You saying God made a mistake?
  5. Convincing politicians to stop lumping all drugs together would be a major victory. In their condemning zeal, they admit to no gradations. But even a fifth grader can tell you that heroin is to pot like an Uzi is to a banana. Heroin kills. Pot giggles.
  6. What's the worst thing going to happen if you do run into a crazed pothead? You might get fleas. That's about it. Okay, There's Twinkie cream on your shirt, wipe it off. Can't get the song "Stairway to Heaven" out of your head-deal with it.
  7. All that said, legalizing the stuff on a federal basis is going to be trickier than rolling three joints while swinging by your knees on a trapeze in a high breeze. Plan for heavy pushback from a variety of vested interests: the cotton and oil industries. Big Pharma. Prison guard unions. Mexican drug cartels. Mexican politicians. Taco Bell. Bail Bondsmen. The Catholic Church. Zig Zag Papers. Liquor distributors. Law enforcement agencies. ATM manufacturers. ATV manufacturers. Phish.
  8. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new CD, "Elect to Laugh" and calendar of personal appearances including this week, the 19-23, at the Improv @ Harvey's Lake Tahoe.
  9. March 2014
  1. GUILLOTINE TIME.

  2. F. Scott Fitzgerald famously said the rich are different from us. To which Hemingway snorted, "yeah, they have more money." And now seems like a good time to offer up a few words of sympathy for the rich. Because our wealthy brothers and sisters are going through some tough times. Not financially. No, no, no. They're doing pretty good on that end. Last year the stock market shot higher than the 4:20 break at a Denver pot dispensary on Jerry Garcia's birthday.
  3. The fortunate among us are comfortable alright, but becoming increasingly uncomfortable, if you catch my drift. It's us nasty poor people. Again. It appears that we're picking on them. You know. Whining. Complaining. Jealous. Hungry. Rather than pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps like they did when their daddies left them all that money.
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Cries of financial inequity have been so alarming lately that venture capitalist Thomas Perkins felt compelled to compare we poor to the Nazis. He wrote that while Germany's 1% were the Jews, America's 1% are the Well- Heeled. And did it in a letter to the Wall Street Journal. No surprise there. Where did you think he'd get it published? The San Francisco Chronicle? Progressive Magazine? Rachel Maddow's blog?”

  1. Cries of financial inequity have been so alarming lately that venture capitalist Thomas Perkins felt compelled to compare we poor to the Nazis. He wrote that while Germany's 1% were the Jews, America's 1% are the Well- Heeled. And did it in a letter to the Wall Street Journal. No surprise there. Where did you think he'd get it published? The San Francisco Chronicle? Progressive Magazine? Rachel Maddow's blog?
  2. Sporting a Richard Mille watch which lists for $330,000, Perkins later apologized for using the term "Nazi" but doubled down on his assertion that the rich are being demonized. The bellyaching billionaire: a uniquely American phenomena. Pretty sure the Romanovs expressed similar sentiments. The Marie Antoinette Bakery has reopened and is proud to be serving day- old cake.
  3. Apparently, acute affluence causes the outer epidermis to shrink profoundly. Causing the prosperous to exhibit super- sensitivity to the slings and arrows tossed at their outrageous fortune. To say that reaction was loud and swift is akin to implying that Mr. Everest slopes. Many malcontents called for the Perkins to have his analogy completed by tattooing a serial number onto his arm.
  4. But in America, that anti- rich stuff doesn't fly because folks worry that any restrictions on the loaded and bloated will come back to haunt them when their ship comes in and they themselves start rolling in it. Wealth projection. Another American exclusive.
  5. A recent study revealed that 85 people in the world now control the same amount of wealth as half the population of the planet. 85 people have as much money as 3.5 billion. Admittedly, some of those 3.5 billion people have taken a vow of poverty. But not all.
  6. 4 of America's 9 richest are members of the family that owns Wal- Mart. Really? Couldn't they pay their workers a tad more and still be 4 of the top 30 richest Americans? Top 100? 2 million employees and the last year's profit was 16 billion dollars. That's 8K profit off every employee. Imagine how much more stuff Wal- Mart could sell if each employee made $2,000 extra?
  7. They call sharks- eating machines. And corporations are sharks that eat money. But even stockholders are starting to question the $100 million CEO salary. Although, its nice to know that when there's a run on guillotines, Wal- Mart will stock a nice selection of attractively priced models. But if you want something extra sharp with a built in timer, might want to check out Richard Mille.
  8. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new CD, "Elect to Laugh" and calendar of personal appearances including "BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG," Wednesday the 5th @ Angelica's in Redwood City.
  9. February 2014
  1. THANKSGIVING 2013

  2. Ahh. Thanksgiving. Best Holiday Ever! Love it all. The fact that a national holiday falls not on a Monday but a Thursday. How wacky is that? A regular Thursday in dead solid center fall. Where the weather could be 80 and sunny or 20 and snowing. Or, in certain parts of the Midwest, both.
  3. Love the fact that its all about food, family, friends and football. 4 of the 5 Fs. Remain seriously amused by the winking obsessive conspiracy that binds an entire nation together concerning the specifics of the ritual burning of a large flightless bird. Free range. Brine. Air chill. To stuff or not to stuff. Seriously, is that the question?
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Don't forget the silly creeping madness of Black Friday, which now begins early Thursday and threatens to encompass the entire week. People camping out for days. To save, what… six bucks? But for those tented hours, they are adventurous pioneers. Marvel Super Consumers.”

  1. You'd have to be a third stage tertiary Grinch not to love a parade featuring 80-foot helium filled balloons. Snoopy bouncing off a light pole. Ending with the season's first appearance of the corpulent bearded one in the scarlet suit.
  2. Don't forget the silly creeping madness of Black Friday, which now begins early Thursday and threatens to encompass the entire week. People camping out for days. To save, what… six bucks? But for those tented hours, they are adventurous pioneers. Marvel Super Consumers.
  3. And love the way that though this pageant of greed and gluttony lasts 4 whole days, when all is said and done, even amidst the drunken family brawling, sometimes moments for reflection can still be found. And you can bet that this round- headed political comic has much to be thankful for. Among them being:
  4. The 113th Congress, which has the unique ability to make hysterical lunacy seem so ordinary.
  5. Barack Obama for finally making the Presidency mock-worthy again.
  6. Sarah Palin who refuses to shut up no matter how tightly irrelevancy embraces her.
  7. Vice President Joe Biden for gaining immeasurable respect just by shutting up.
  8. The Cheney family who apparently feel about each other the same way the rest of us do.
  9. Ted Cruz for not only grabbing the national right-wing nut job baton from Michele Bachmann but waving it high.
  10. Pope Benedict for his inability to hide a scowl whenever Pope Francis does… anything.
  11. Chris Christie for so generously providing such a large target rich environment.
  12. The Tea Party for waving their arms in the air like they just don't care.
  13. Alec Baldwin for truly embodying the phrase… "he who lives by the sword, dies swallowing the sword."
  14. Mitt Romney for disappearing so completely, we're left to wonder if he really ever existed at all.
  15. John Boehner, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell for their strict adherence to the musical advice, "don't go changing."
  16. Obama Care because who can't appreciate a website rollout that "could have gone smoother." An anvil studded with titanium spikes could have rolled smoother.
  17. Walter White for altering the calculus of what it means to go out on your own terms.
  18. The NRA and the NSA for just being themselves.
  19. Anthony Weiner for his series of continuing comebacks. May he experience many more.
  20. Rob Ford for proving that California is not the source of all political wackiness in the world.
  21. The GOP, waging an internal war for it's very soul. GOP Soul. Short book. Put it on the shelf right next to Barack Obama Leadership Skills. Paula Deen at the Apollo.
  22. Vladimir Putin for proving that Toronto is not the source of all political wackiness in the world.
  23. Will Durst's new one- man show "BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG" in its final 3 Tuesdays at the Marsh. San Francisco. Through December 17th. themarsh.org Or willdurst.com to find his calendar.
  24. December 2013
  1. RINOs AND AINOs.

  2. Now we bore deep into the bunker that houses triumphant Tea Party headquarters, where they are celebrating a tactical victory over the forces of complacency, and complaining loudly about all the chicken- hearted Republicans In Name Only who bowed to the will of our Socialist President and voted to reopen the government and avoid a global financial meltdown.
  3. “Wussies. Those RINOs don’t represent real Americans. You know who they represent: AINOs. Americans In Name Only. Because only people who believe exactly what we believe deserve to be called real Americans. AINOs should be counted as 3/5ths of an American. We and only we are listening to the real heartbeat of this country. Nobody else has the same filter. Which is made out of tinfoil.
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We have no intention of compromising because that would be abandoning our principles. They don’t have principles so it’s shouldn’t be a problem.”

  1. “The media keeps asking, ‘how does it feel to lose?’ But we didn’t lose. We won. We won by losing. All part of the plan. Because only in losing do real winners hone their skills at winning whereas real losers just feel normal. Winners never quit. And quitters never win. And winning quitters are like quitting winners: just more banana slugs on the Great Salt Flat with a blown head gasket.
  2. “You know who lost? The so-called leaders of this party lost. The ones who flopped faster than a French Soccer Team that had been surgically deboned. Who abandoned the good fight in the name of expediency. Who slept with the enemy and will have their heads shaved and be thrown into the street someday. Because there is no negotiating when you’re dealing with the terrorists calling themselves the Democratic Party.
  3. “Oh, don’t get us wrong, we are all in favor of compromise. As long as it’s the other side doing it. We have no intention of compromising because that would be abandoning our principles. They don’t have principles so it’s shouldn’t be a problem.
  4. “Have we learned our lesson? Yes, we have. We have learned we must fight harder. And never give in. Because repeatedly banging our heads against the wall makes it feel so good when we stop. So we must learn not to stop.
  5. “We do not fight because we think we can win. We do not fight because of ideology. We fight because… we like to fight. As do our constituents. You should see our town hall meetings. They look like a trauma center emergency room on a Saturday night after a pool hall happy hour featuring $2 shots of Jagermeister.
  6. “Now? We’re going to purge this party of poseurs and run with folks interested in representing the real America. You know, people exactly like us. You may accuse us of perfecting the circular firing squad. But the circular firing squad turns out to be very useful in eliminating marginal colleagues equipped with insufficient aim.
  7. “And yes, ‘this is going to happen again!’ It’s going to happen every single time purity comes face to face with evil. And the evil shall be primaried. And anybody who shakes hands with John Boehner or has been photographed hugging John McCain is fair game.
  8. “We have even perfected a test to determine whether you are conservative enough to be an actual Republican. We hold you under water for four minutes and if you don’t die, you are a RINO. Primitive and messy perhaps, but fits us to a Tea.”
  9. Will Durst’s new one- man show “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG” in its final extension: through Dec 17 every Tuesday at the Marsh. San Francisco. themarsh.org
  10. November 2013
  1. SENATOR AHAB IS A SNEETCH.

  2. There no longer lies any shame in obsession. Monomania reigns supreme in this country. Along with twerking. Once a month the local news features sports fans who have turned entire houses into shrines to their favorite team. We all know the conspiracy guy with his bootleg DVDs and liquid limber logic. Every neighborhood has at least one cat lady. And if you protest that your neighborhood doesn't, you may be her.
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Recently we were held hostage to the focus of his idee fixe: an entire day devoted to his delirious struggle to kill the white whale; that is, repeal ObamaCare.”

  1. The US Senate has its own cat lady and his name is Ted Cruz. For the first 9 months of his incumbency in the World's Greatest Deliberative Body, the man graduated from distressed to obsessed to a little shy of possessed. Recently we were held hostage to the focus of his idee fixe: an entire day devoted to his delirious struggle to kill the white whale; that is, repeal ObamaCare.
  2. Speaking from the floor of the Senate for 21 hours and 19 minutes, Senator Ahab singlehandedly gave the American people another reason to look forward to a government shutdown. His long and loud faux filibuster seemed mostly a way to raise his profile and money for an inevitable Presidential run. Another side effect of Obama lowering the qualification bar.
  3. Inexplicably, in the midst of his impassioned C-SPAN salvo, the junior Senator from Texas stopped speaking of Duck Dynasty, White Castle, Christmas pig roasts and Ashton Kutcher while regaling Obama as a socialist terrorist and his own party as Nazi appeasers to read a bedtime story directed at his children back home; Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs & Ham. Following which he made suppositions raising questions as to whether he fully understood the book's complicated ramifications.
  4. Cruz took pains to differentiate himself from the recalcitrant protagonist of the tome who wouldn't eat green eggs and ham in a house with a mouse in the dark on a boat with a goat in the rain here and there and everywhere by saying he himself had indeed tried green eggs and ham (read ObamaCare) and didn't like it. And the American people didn't like it either. The problem is, ObamaCare hasn't really kicked in yet.
  5. Saying you tried it but didn't like it is real similar to saying you didn't enjoy Bruno Mars' halftime show at next year's Super Bowl. That you think Ben Affleck's portrayal of Batman fell far short of the exacting standards previously set by George Clooney. That you found the church basement covered- dish spread following your funeral service to be underwhelming.
  6. But the media coverage was so intense and overwhelming, it would be a surprise on the order of cast iron Frisbees if he didn't try this tact again. Perhaps next he will favor us with the importance of proper potty training. One sequel we are definitely not destined to see is Teddy Hears a Who. Although he could adapt One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish to explain his food stamp elimination proposal.
  7. Cruz has managed to prove he's confused by the space- time continuum, not to mention a book aimed at a kindergarten reading level, and he still wants to be President? Of course, knowing the Republican Party, Rafael Edward Cruz has a very good chance at securing the nomination, because after all, as Doctor Seuss himself famously said, you can't teach a Sneetch.
  8. Will Durst's new one- man show "BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG" has been extended through the end of October. Every Tuesday at the Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org for more info. Or willdurst.com. Use code "boomer" for $10 tix.
  1. October 2013
  1. LET THE PANTS SUIT DANCE.

  2. It's time to address the burning question singeing the lips of every American this summer: What will happen to Bryan Cranston's pork pie hat after Breaking Bad ends its run? Okay, maybe that's number 2. The big one is who's going to be the Democratic Presidential candidate in November of 2016? 38 months and counting.
  3. Having gone almost a year without the least meager of Presidential Race morsels to munch on, journos are doing whatever it takes to jump- start a tasty plate of appetizers. Also, it's August, which means politically, there's less going on in Washington than a vacuum in a crater at the southern most base of Neptune's thirteenth moon.
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President Barack Obama's second term has already entered its 7th month. It is more than an eighth over. The guy is history. Spent. Taking up space. Got the "How Can We Miss You If You Won't Go Away" Blues. Way beyond lame duck, he's a differently-abled turducken. A quadriplegic platypus. His goose is undergoing severe cookage.”

  1. If you suspect this might all be a bit premature. YES. INDEED. YOU BET. Your instincts are correct sir. This sort of speculation normally doesn't kick into gear until a year and a half out; two years, tops, but the accelerated pace is today's norm. Rapid is the new sauntering. Welcome to Extreme Campaigning. 24/7.
  2. Of course, they do have a point. President Barack Obama's second term has already entered its 7th month. It is more than an eighth over. The guy is history. Spent. Taking up space. Got the "How Can We Miss You If You Won't Go Away" Blues. Way beyond lame duck, he's a differently-abled turducken. A quadriplegic platypus. His goose is undergoing severe cookage.
  3. Barack could nip the suspense in the bud by stepping down and giving Joe Biden a leg up. Because the job will not be Biden's for the taking. He's going to need a crowbar the size of Idaho to pry the nomination from a certain someone who's already spent 8 years in the White House. Albeit, in the East Wing. And not baking cookies thank you very much.
  4. Even the GOP considers that former tenant their major threat since they've launched a couple preemptive strikes against the Clinton of Hillary. And isn't it refreshing to see them get past their internal squabbles to concentrate on what's really important to the Party?
  5. They've threatened to boycott NBC and CNN if the networks run planned specials on the Former First Lady and have taken to calling her… too old. That's right. Republicans. The party of Reagan. Same guys that ran Bob Dole whose campaign slogan was "hey you punks, get off my lawn." Can't wait for them to charge her with being too white as well. And too rich.
  6. Last time Hillary was the front-runner, it didn't turn out too well and other names being bandied about are: Andrew Cuomo, Rahm Emanuel and Cory Booker, who just locked up the Democratic slot for the New Jersey Senate special election to fill the seat vacated by the late Frank Lautenberg.
  7. Booker may be the biggest wild card. Imagine Ms. Hill is sweating like a squad of Sumos in a sauna just thinking about a young charismatic fast-track black guy serving less than one full term in the Senate hijacking her coronation ceremony. Again.
  8. His staff encouraged Bill Clinton to be Bill Clinton, with, "Let the Big Dawg Eat." This time, it's more of a "Let the Pants Suit Dance." And everyone better start paying attention or the handicapping of the 2020 race will begin as well. My money's on Chelsea.
  9. Catch 5 time Emmy nominee, Will Durst's new one- man show "BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG" every Tuesday until November, at the Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org for more info. Or willdurst.com.
  1. September 2013
  1. YOUR EVER-VIGILANT FRIENDS AT THE NSA.

  2. Dear US Citizen.
  3. Please accept our most egregiously sincere apologies for the difficulties and inconveniences the secret monitoring of your phone records and email and GPS units and foreign travel and bank accounts and yes, even your snail mail, has evidently caused.
  4. We here at the NSA strive for the perfection of our services, which depend on the chronic obliviousness of you, our valued customers. Unfortunately, due to one disgruntled deadbeat (who escaped to China to avoid government persecution-which is like joining the Army because you're tired of people telling you what to do) you now know of our continuing efforts to keep you safe. That was never our intention.
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Besides, what could be more democratic than spying on everybody? "

  1. When you are even tangentially aware of the absurd lengths the National Security Agency will go to keep you and your loved ones out of harm's way, our mission has failed. If you knew half the crap we have to slog through here, your hair would curl, but that's another story altogether.
  2. Yes, we're pretty much keeping tabs on everything everyone says and does, all the time, which we understand upsets a few of you folks. Don't worry. Nobody's actually listening to any of this stuff. We're just used to collecting it. If it makes you feel any better, think of this whole enterprise as an exceedingly long, government-subsidized episode of "Hoarders." You can trust us.
  3. And seriously, anybody who didn't suspect this kind of snooping was going on is not to be trusted with knives in the kitchen without a fencing mask. Privacy is soooo 20th Century. You share the regularity of your bowel movements on Facebook, but we check around to find out who's making coded phone calls to al Qaeda and suddenly everybody's nose is out of joint? You kidding me?
  4. Unfortunately, one of our representatives testified in front of Congress, "no, we aren't collecting data on Americans," when what he meant to say is, "yes, we ARE collecting data on Americans." James Clapper simply gave the "least untruthful answer possible." Then again, Congress knows that getting a straight answer from us is harder than bending a wire coat hanger into a number representing pi to the sixth digit with your teeth. All for your protection.
  5. See, the problem is, nobody knows who the enemy is anymore. Narrowing suspicion is much too time consuming. Lot easier to wiretap the entire nation than try to pick out the one or two most devious of you. Besides, what could be more democratic than spying on everybody?
  6. We call the process data mining. And you, the soft quarry, are producing up to a billion records a day. Which is real similar to pulverizing Everest, then sifting through the rubble for a blue pebble. It ain't easy people. Lot of haystacks, not so many needles.
  7. To ensure this glitch never occurs again, we are rectifying the glitcher in order to return our service to the high-level quality that you, the citizens of America, have come to expect. For the inconvenience we have caused, each household in America will receive 3 free months of HBO.
  8. If you have any questions or comments regarding this matter, please contact your Congressperson. Thanks for your understanding, and please, don't bother looking for us. You can be sure, we'll be looking after you.
  9. Sincerely.
  10. Your ever-vigilant friends at the NSA.
  11. PS. Don't forget to "like us" on Facebook.
  12. Recipient of 7 consecutive nominations for Stand Up of the Year, Will Durst's new one-man show "BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG" is presented every Tuesday, at the Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org for info. Or willdurst.com.
  1. July-August 2013
  1. BENGHAZI SMOKE SCREEN.

  2. Up until about an hour ago, most Americans thought Benghazi was the guy who palled around with John Cassavetes back in the 60s, but now it's obvious we're talking about the foreign policy arm of a multi- ramped tar pit the President has found himself swimming-up to his armpits. Yes, friends, it's pity time at the White House.
  3. After flogging the issue nonstop since September 11, the Fox News Team's persistence finally pushed the story of the Libyan Embassy riot that resulted in the death of 4 Americans over the cliff into the public consciousness. Space available only because both Honey Boo Boo and Duck Dynasty are on hiatus.
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…even more penetrating questions such as: "Who cares? What difference does it make? Aren't we stuffed to the gills with enough partisan gobbledy goop already?"

  1. The hue and cry from the right is demanding many questions be answered. Was the protest planned or spontaneous? Did the group that initiated the attack have any affiliation with Arab terrorists? Who altered the talking points; the CIA or the State Department? Where were the drones? Queens? Wasps? Chigger mites? How many angels can dance on the head of a bent and broken Romney/ Ryan pin? What would Cheney do?
  2. Having taken all this in, the American people responded with what can only be characterized as even more penetrating questions such as: "Who cares? What difference does it make? Aren't we stuffed to the gills with enough partisan gobbledy goop already? Does anyone really give an albino rat's ass? Isn't there a seafood buffet around here somewhere?"
  3. The revelations have been as startling as mint jelly on lamb. Tragic violent events occurring in the Middle East? Oh no! Not that. Perpetual infighting amongst government agencies? That couldn't happen here, could it? Republicans accusing a Democratic administration of not being patriotic enough? What are the odds?
  4. Next you'll tell me the Justice Department investigation of the Justice Department's seizure of AP reporters' phone records will lead to the Justice Department concluding that the Justice Department did nothing wrong. The public's eyes are glazing over like a 5th grader lectured on the nutritional aspects of broccoli rabe.
  5. Haven't we been told for the last twenty, thirty years that Libya is a godless pit of iniquity and now they want us to heap truckloads of blame onto our own guys because someone got killed over there? After they themselves voted down additional money for embassy security? Another example of that whole "dynamite the front steps then complain what a pain it is to climb into the house on a rope ladder" school of logic.
  6. But the GOP remains convinced they have the administration on the run, and is calling for all sorts of investigative committees and dedicated inquiry boards and pretty soon it will be special prosecutors and court rooms full of hopping kangaroos and then pointy sticks and barbed wire and dungeon doors with keys specifically designed to be thrown away. Just in time for the midterms.
  7. And if everything goes according to plan, Hillary Clinton and her nascent 2016 Presidential run will wither and rot behind the same Benghazi charges. But the Republicans must know how tricky this sort of maneuver can be. As with all smoke screens, you have to pay real close attention to which way the wind blows, or you could easily end up choking on the same stuff you're spreading.
  8. Recipient of 7 consecutive nominations for Stand Up of the Year, Will Durst's new one- man show "BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG" is presented every Tuesday, at the Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.
  1. June 2013
  1. PLAY BALL 2013.

  2. Forget the robin. Ignore the tulips. Do not let the Easter Bunny, hummingbirds or awakening bears hoodwink you. The first baseball thrown in anger is the true harbinger of spring and calendar alarm for the lazy discard of the heavy encumbrances of winter. Ditch the parka and pull out the windbreaker. Stash the boots and burn the long underwear. Trust me. Burn the long underwear.
  3. Civilization dodged another bullet. The dragon once again neglected to eat the sun; the light is returning and summer has embarked on its lollygaggingly capricious path. Barbecue grills are getting a good scrubbing. Complicated intra- family schedules are being examined through molecular microscopes for reunion potentialities. Carnies are accidentally shearing the heads off of retaining bolts to the Whip- A- Whirl. All activities destined to be accompanied by the mantra of summer; a play- by- play broadcast on AM radio.
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Golfers require absolute quiet while approaching a teed ball with a metal club, but in baseball, the batter is assaulted by shouts and jeers and the heckling of tiered multitudes in his quest to swing a wooden bat at a white sphere approaching 100 mph thrown not too distant from the vicinity of his head. ”

  1. Opening Day is the true American holiday of renewal, showcasing that memorably mortal moment when anything’s possible. This IS next year. Second chances ARE real. Welcome to zero when every team has the same theoretic opportunity to make a run. Win a pennant. Stuff the 30 Flags trophy in a display case. Or just beat the Dodgers like a red headed stepchild. Hope. Springs. Eternal. Not even the Cubbies have been mathematically eliminated yet. The Astros and Royals, maybe.
  2. Baseball’s long haul season is another of its peculiar charms. 162 games. An eight month long soap opera in cleats. Plenty time enough for spectacular feats of athleticism, mythic comebacks, grandiose stumbles, the heroic shattering of records and an occasional ball bouncing off of a head over the fence. They call it the National Pastime, not the National Surgical Strike. And those who pay attention will see something every day that has never happened before. #snowflakes.
  3. Baseball players are also easier to relate to as humans than other athletes. They are not augmented in outline by layers of armor plating. Nor are they freaks of nature towering above the populace like redwoods in a forest of pussy willows. Their job is to run and throw and swing a stick and catch a ball. “Hey. I can do that.” Just not as good.
  4. Encounter one of the Boys of Summer on the street and you could mistake them for plumbers or lawyers or corporate event planners. Very buff plumbers and lawyers and corporate event planners, with forearms the size of telephone poles- but still.
  5. Sure, some make fabulous money, but they seem more like blue- collar workers at heart. Golfers require absolute quiet while approaching a teed ball with a metal club, but in baseball, the batter is assaulted by shouts and jeers and the heckling of tiered multitudes in his quest to swing a wooden bat at a white sphere approaching 100 mph thrown not too distant from the vicinity of his head.
  6. You can smell it in the air. The musty team t- shirts pulled from the backs of closets and bottoms of wardrobes. The roasting of foot-long bratwursts on an open grill behind 3rd base. The toasting of the half naked fans in the center field bleachers. That odd pungent odor emanating from the men’s room. Baseball is back and all is right with the world. “Play Ball!” And Go Giants!
  7. 5 time Emmy- nominee Will Durst’s new one- man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG” opened at the Marsh, San Francisco on April 16th. Go to themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.
  8. May 2013
  1. EQUAL IS AS EQUAL DOES

  2. The nation held its collective breath and turned not just blue but a veritable rainbow of colors as the Supreme Court spent a goodly part of two days hearing oral arguments on gay marriage. Well, at least they were in the same room as arguments about gay marriage were oralled. In a position to eavesdrop on a series of gay marriage arguments; if they were of a mind to.
  3. You can never really pin down which of the 9 Phat Ebony Robes is hearing what. Court watchers long have presumed Justice Scalia underwent a powdered-wig strict constructionist-filter installation years back that insures nothing post-18th Century funnels through to his cognitive cells. And if Antonin can’t hear it, as far as Clarence Thomas is concerned, it doesn’t exist. The others hear what they want to hear. Proving they do indeed represent America.
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And forget the malevolent clowns of the Westboro Baptist Church, who make God laugh so hard he spits milk through his nose. Casual bigotry is dying off. Literally. Old people and their parents with a life radius of 30 miles. Oh sure, there will always be prejudice, stupidity and fear but society is rapidly realizing that “gay” is just another adjective; like blonde or buff or stinky.”

  1. The Supremes will weigh in on the Defense of Marriage Act and the legality of California’s Proposition 8 sometime in June. Until then the suspense is killing us-thrillingly. Although the fact they’re using “opposite-sex marriage” to describe heterosexuality should already be counted as a victory. And like every thing else that comes before the court, final disposition probably depends on which side of the bed Justice Kennedy wakes up.
  2. Don’t tell the Berobed Ones, (musn’t allow deeper insecurity complexes to develop) but it doesn’t really matter how they rule, because gay marriage is on the fast track to be permanently woven into the fabric of our national diversity quilt. The handwriting is on the wall. And the penmanship is stunning.
  3. Across the country, same-sex marriage polls have risen faster than property taxes in a tulip bubble. Pollster Nate Silver, of the NYT, the nation’s soothsayer, expects national support to increase 1½ percentage points each year. And let us lay thanks at the remote of the one-eyed HD beast, television.
  4. Familiarity breeds tolerance. Gay celebs such as Ellen DeGeneres and Anderson Cooper have encouraged kids of today to live their lives openly. Allowing middle America enough interactive glances to realize the gay community doesn’t devote most of its waking hours attempting to engorge the Armies of Sodom brandishing pitchforks and sporting horns. Like we were told. Over and over.
  5. When you say gay people, the emphasis is on the people and the only real difference between gay and straight is which way your head faces during sex. That’s it. And an uncanny ability to assemble amazing appetizer trays. Grilled asparagus wrapped in goat cheese and prosciutto? Yes! Fist bump. Blow it up. Now talk about it.  
  6. And forget the malevolent clowns of the Westboro Baptist Church, who make God laugh so hard he spits milk through his nose. Casual bigotry is dying off. Literally. Old people and their parents with a life radius of 30 miles. Oh sure, there will always be prejudice, stupidity and fear but society is rapidly realizing that “gay” is just another adjective; like blonde or buff or stinky.
  7. Whether its generational shifts, enlightened minds or disco going mainstream, the tide of tolerance is proving inexorable. Only a matter of time before gay marriage is universally accepted, and then it will seem perfectly routine until eventually it becomes mandatory. Dibs on Clooney! 
  8. 5 time Emmy-nominee Will Durst’s new one-man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG” opens previews at the Marsh, San Francisco on April 16th. Go to themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info. More Durst: willdurst.com
  9. April 2013
  1. The barnacle on the belly of the awards ship: the 15th annual
  2. 2013 POLITICAL ANIMAL AWARDS

  3. Hey! You! Yes, you. Sorry. Just trying to get your attention to impart an important warning here. For the next couple weeks, it’s imperative all you good folks out there stay alert and keep your wits about you. Remove the earbuds, no texting while walking and you’d be well advised to brandish a stainless steel umbrella on the street because it’s awards season and golden-plated statuettes are being tossed about like manhole covers during an underground methane explosion. We’ve made it through the Golden Globes and the Screen Actor Guild Awards, with the Grammies and Oscars right behind us, so this seems the perfect time to weigh in with the barnacle on the belly of the awards ship: the 15th annual Will Durst Political Animal Awards.
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it’s awards season and golden-plated statuettes are being tossed about like manhole covers during an underground methane explosion.”

  1. THE BEST IMPRESSION OF REANIMATED HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN AWARD. And the winner is… oh, forgive me, that’s right, we’re all winners here. The award goes to Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell.
  2. BEST DIRECTION OF A COMEDY. To Mitt Romney’s campaign manager, Matt Rhoades.
  3. THE HE SHOULD SWITCH TO DECAF AND REALLY SOON AWARD: Vice President Joe Biden.
  4. COLLATERAL DAMAGE AWARD: Still picking shrapnel out of his widow’s peak, Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan.
  5. THE CLOCK IS TICKING LOUD ENOUGH TO PIERCE EARDRUMS ON A COUPLE DIFFERENT CONTINENTS AWARD. 3 way tie! Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro & Bashar Al- Assad.
  6. THE YOU CAN GO HOME AGAIN AWARD. To former Governor Sarah Palin, Fox News’ gain is Alaska’s loss.
  7. HEART OF A PLUCKED CHICKEN AWARD. To Nevada Senator Harry Reid for avoiding the alteration of Senate filibuster rules given the opportunity.
  8. THE IT’S BETTER TO BE LUCKY THAN GOOD AWARD. For the 2nd year in a row, POTUS Barack Obama.
  9. THE YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES WERE UP THIRTY MINUTES AGO AWARD. It’s a tie: Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Lindsay Lohan.
  10. THE WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY RETURN MY CALLS ANYMORE AWARD: Karl Rove, and it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
  11. THE YOU CAN KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN AWARD. Former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown.
  12. THE TAKING SIBLING RIVALRY TO A BRAND NEW LEVEL AWARD. The Harbaugh boys.
  13. THE H.G. WELLS DATING SERVICE AWARD. Manti Te’o.
  14. THE HEAD IN THE SAND LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD. The coveted Ostrich goes to executive vice president of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre.
  15. THE BEAT A DEAD HORSE UNTIL WE’RE ALL COVERED IN A FINE RED MIST AWARD. Another tie: Senators Lindsay Graham & John McCain who remain determined to get to the bottom of Chuck Hagel’s role in Benghazi.
  16. THE GEORGE HAMILTON TANNING AWARD. For the 4th consecutive year, Speaker of the House John Boehner.
  17. POP GOES THE WEASEL AWARD. Lance Armstrong.
  18. THE SISYPHUS AWARD. Marco Rubio, who has been handed sole responsibility for dragging the entire Republican Party across the immigration reform line.
  19. THE OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES AWARD. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal for suggesting the GOP “stop being the stupid party.”
  20. THE RIP VAN WINKLE AWARD. To Hillary Clinton for the well deserved two year nap she’s about to take.
  21. And finally, THE CONTINENT OF ATLANTIS AWARD. For the fastest most complete disappearance in political history, Mitt Romney. They must have powered him down, folded him up and placed him back into the original packaging.
  22. 5 time Emmy- nominee Will Durst’s e- book “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, is now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Or go to willdurst.com for more info.
  1. March 2013
  1. My Two Cents / Will Durst
  2. THE PARALLAX INAUGURAL

  3. Astronomers have a name for the phenomena of an object appearing to be in different places, depending on the perspective from which it is viewed. It’s known as the parallax view, and could be seen on display for the Second Inauguration of the Forty Fourth President of the United States. Speaking of it, folks described events occurring on different planets. Some called it a disaster, some a triumph. Crime scene in a cave versus ascension on a mountain top. White knight to the rescue- Darth Vader choking off a windpipe.
  4. No one denies it was an auspicious ceremony, with Beyonce lip syncing and Michelle Obama resurrecting a 25 year old haircut, but Barack H. Obama’s last Oval Office induction ceremony was totally defined according to which side of the aisle you watched it from. Seen through the blue lens was one thing but through the red lens, something semi- similar only inside out, upside down and backwards. With poopy on it.
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…Obama 2.0 will be less likely to roll over on his back begging Mitch McConnell to rub his belly. After getting poked with a sharp stick for four years, this dog may have grown some teeth. But that’s where the parallax view kicks in again. Some see them as incisors and some vampire canines that enable him to suck the souls right out of our skulls. ”

  1. For Democrats, the January weekend of celebration was even more momentous than the first time around. Proving indubitably that America is the land of opportunity, where hope never dies and lots of little money for campaign coffers never hurts either. And if you ever get the chance to give a bunch of old people rides to the polls on fleets of rented buses, go for it.
  2. For Republicans it was a three- day salt in the wound reminder of wasted opportunity. Exactly how bad a candidate Mitt Romney actually was. Think of it; in a lousy economy the guy managed to lose to a black incumbent, whose middle name is Hussein. The incumbent, not the economy. Permanent bruise; right above the knee, where the fist automatically slams down. At least twice a day.
  3. Nobody could deny the emotional depth precipitated by the occasion of oath- taking on the Capitol’s west side in front of freezing multitudes. So much so, that even John Boehner seemed moved to tears. Which, admittedly, isn’t all that unusual. And kind of creepily, they were orange tears. Who sheds tears of Tang?
  4. And while the event itself may have been polarizing, it paled like the cover of Sue Grafton’s “A is for Alibi” in the front window of a west- facing bookstore in Equatorial Guinea- compared to the speech. The president waxed eloquent about a pursuit of progressive ideals; mentioning marriage equality, climate change and even slamming Paul Ryan’s claim that society is being ruined by the takers. So as you can imagine, right after the President was sworn in, he was sworn at.
  5. Oh my. The hew and the cry. He was called a socialist. A banana head. A foreign born evildoer attempting to destroy the country. Unveiling a left wing manifesto that finally reveals his true colors as a socialist usurper of all that is good and right and true and just. So… looks like, everything’s back to normal.
  6. We the people, were given the impression that this time around the rebooted Obama 2.0 will be less likely to roll over on his back begging Mitch McConnell to rub his belly. After getting poked with a sharp stick for four years, this dog may have grown some teeth. But that’s where the parallax view kicks in again. Some see them as incisors and some vampire canines that enable him to suck the souls right out of our skulls.
  7. 5 time Emmy- nominee Will Durst’s e- book “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, is now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Or go to willdurst.com for more info.
  8. February 2013
  1. Fiscal Cliff Traffic Report

  2. “So, expect showers and gale force winds over the next couple of days and don’t forget that high surf advisory is in effect throughout the weekend. We may even see some downed power lines and scattered looting. That’s the weather here on Capitol Hill, now let’s go to Brandon with your Congressional traffic report.”
  3. “Thanks Brandon. Well, its gotten pretty ugly out there, people. My best advice is, stay in your homes. As expected, following the holiday recess, we’re seeing a lot of bluster and bombast building up on the Beltway, and the obstructionist blather has managed to stall headway on nearly every budget deal ramp to a virtual crawl.
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…reports continue to stream in that a crazy person by the name of Grover Norquist, has been single-handedly impeding traffic by standing in the ditch and flagging motorists off the road straight into various freeway abutments.”

  1. Three or four jack knifed 18-wheelers jam packed with Election Day rancor have overturned and as you might imagine, rubber necking has resulted in hundreds of not so tender fender benders in both directions. It’s gotten so bad that major media outlet trucks are stuck on the shoulder filming each other, filming each other.
  2. It’s not just the Beltway that’s backed up. Main Street and Wall Street and the Path to Prosperity all report major slowdowns due to a multitude of partisan pile- ups. Some drivers seem to be purposefully ramming fellow travelers right off the road while others speed across median strips to dive into oncoming traffic seemingly with no thought to life or limb. Casualties continue to mount and officials worry about running out of tarps.
  3. Sky Nine over the Bridge to the Future reports that progress remains hopelessly clogged with all visible movement being of the backwards variety and from their vantage all the right lanes look to be blocked as far as the eye can see. Left lanes: not much better. Center lanes: you don’t want to know.
  4. Many reasons have been offered up for Carmageddon spreading nationwide. Pure native stubbornness, leading to refusals to merge. Infrastructure deterioration. Widespread smoke screens creating low visibility. A plethora of misread signs due to intentionally misinterpreted polls. Death wishes. Insanity. Mad Cow.
  5. Part of the problem can be attributed to the numerous turnarounds closed by committee chairmen to restrict desertion from party line movement and reports continue to stream in that a crazy person by the name of Grover Norquist, has been single-handedly impeding traffic by standing in the ditch and flagging motorists off the road straight into various freeway abutments. Although it must be said, some cars do now seem to be aiming right for him chasing the anti-cheerleader back to the safety of various rest stop bathroom stalls.
  6. Due to the slick situation, eternal congestion and some inexplicable glitch that has turned all the surface street stop lights to red, further delays are expected to spread across the nation as the country experiences a massive impasse on all roads leading to the cutoff meant to avert the dreaded Fiscal Cliff.
  7. Veteran observers claim this activity is expected due to the mostly poor driving skills possessed by the residents of our nation’s capital. But the upshot is, we’re back to stalls and jams and near total gridlock far into the foreseeable future. So remember to keep that dial here, where we bring you weather and traffic together on the eights, although to be perfectly honest, not much is expected to change any time soon. Back to you Brandon.”
  8. 5 time Emmy- nominee Will Durst’s new e- book “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, now available at Redroom.com, Amazon or any fine virtual book retailer near you.
  9. And don’t forget the 20th annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show December 26- January 1 at a theater near you. Go to willdurst.com for more info.
  10. December 2012
  1. REMOJOED.

  2. Got to relish the sidesplitting spectacle of millions of Democrats wiping their collective brows after watching the 2nd presidential debate through splayed fingers covering their eyes. MSNBC’s Chris Mathews was so euphorically relieved he nearly broke down and cried. Although, truth be told, he probably cries during Coke Commercials. Especially the cute ones with the polar bears.
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He blustered and filibustered and at times seemed almost flustered. Demonstrating the same respect a busy boss might show in the presence of underlings, cautioning the president to “Hold on, I’m talking.” And pushing Jim Lehrer around is one thing, but bullying Candy Crowley, quite another. Mind the gender gap.”

  1. It became immediately apparent, this time around, President Obama spent the time at debate camp doing more than practicing lanyard weaving. Aides report he devoted three days to prepare for the Hofstra University showdown, as opposed to the couple hours he took off last time. Of course that doesn’t include the 90 minutes of the first debate.
  2. Nobody cares how he did it; the main thing is; Obama got his mojo back. He remojoed. The Major Mojo Mofo no longer runs in Slo-Mo. He was focused, energized and seemed determined to not let the challenger go all Joe Frasier on his butt again.
  3. GOP candidate Mitt Romney stuck to the game plan that worked so well in Denver. Float like a butterfly, sting like a jelly fish. A style he surely perfected storming the sidewalks of Paris’ 16th Arrondissement during his missionary days. Shoot first- evade questions later. Although, in retrospect he just may have drunk too deeply from Joe Biden’s bottomless flask of Red Bull.
  4. He blustered and filibustered and at times seemed almost flustered. Demonstrating the same respect a busy boss might show in the presence of underlings, cautioning the president to “Hold on, I’m talking.” And pushing Jim Lehrer around is one thing, but bullying Candy Crowley, quite another. Mind the gender gap.
  5. Perhaps Romney’s people forgot to update his operating system because America’s prospective CEO also committed some unforced errors. First the binder blunder, where he awkwardly dodged a question about equal pay for women to segue into a story about “binders full of women.” Pretty sure we can trust Bill Clinton to get to the bottom of this. Then again, maybe it’s some sort of super secret magic Mormon thing.
  6. The biggest snare was the Benghazi tiger trap, where Romney accused the President of not calling the death of our Libyan Ambassador a terrorist attack. He should have sensed something was up when the President sweetly encouraged him to “please proceed Governor,” but nonetheless walked right onto the straw covering the staked hole.
  7. Candy Crowley, who was in the Rose Garden for the very press conference in question, confirmed Obama’s words. “No, no, he said it.” Romney got so upset, the Secret Service might be wise to move to Def- Con 4 for the final mano a mano at Lynn University in Boca Raton which could escalate from more mere malarkey to full body contact.
  8. The Right became positively unglued calling Ms. Crowley a communist, a terrorist and an assassin. Suffice it to say that if Romney wins, she will be encouraged to accompany Big Bird job hunting. The rich and the righteous are never happy when the “help” talks out of turn.
  9. The irony is, Romney’s self-inflicted wound stemmed from a flagrant violation of the rules agreed to by both candidates not to ask each other direct questions. But that’s something we’ve seen time and time again from the 1%. The rules don’t apply to them. The only rule they adhere to is the Golden Rule: he who has the gold makes the rules. Buy this.
  10. 5 time Emmy- nominee Will Durst has a new e- book: “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink. Available at redroom.com or amazon.
  1. November 2012
  1. WORST CAMPAIGN EVER?

  2. It’s time to start worrying about Mitt Romney. Seriously. The guy may just be running the worst campaign ever. And yes, that includes the McDLT, print ads for organic hemp underwear and France in 39. Not to mention McCain/ Palin in 08. Which currently holds the gold standard for lousy campaigns. Sure to be a Hall of Fame inductee in a couple years.
  3. Willard has taken bad to a whole new level. Bad like a dumpster behind a fish market during a garbage strike bad. Bad like a 3 dollar Dark Knight Rises DVD bought off a Times Square cardboard table with Albanian subtitles bad. Bad like Todd Akin at a NARAL benefit bad. Bad doubled down. Beyond breaking bad to the point of broken bad.
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Maybe it’s the extra large silver spoon in his mouth that keeps him from seeing the view from the middle class. Can’t understand why they don’t pull themselves up by the bootstraps like he did when his daddy loaned him his first million.”

  1. And every time the former Governor of Massachusetts opens his mouth, it gets worse. He’s tone deaf, tongue-tied, logically-challenged and as approachable as a near-sighted porcupine in heat. The Anti Ray Romano-Nobody Loves Mitt.
  2. So uncomfortable around real people, you can practically hear him whisper “icky, icky, icky” under his breath while shaking hands at rallies. You know there’s an aide with a bottle of Purell hand sanitizer waiting for him on the bus. Maybe even a 55-gallon drum connected to a shower head.
  3. Got caught on a secret video calling 47% of those real people moochers and malingerers. Shirking entitled victims dependent on the government for food. Food. Mmmm. That’s us. Just can’t get enough of that Government cheese. You know what this country needs? A good 5¢ Government cracker.
  4. The impression is that 1) he was pandering to his rich donor buddies; or 2) the poster child for the 1% really believes what he said. Either way—awkward! And that massive pounding sound you hear is a herd of stampeding elephants running away from what they fear might be contagious.
  5. Said he wouldn’t concern himself with that47%, which depresses his most ardent supporters, because “hell, that’s more than half!” One major problem with insulting 47% of the American public is that at least 58% of them worry that you think they’re part of that 47% and you know 112% of America believes that. They do. Bet you $10,000.
  6. The video’s release obscured the Romney campaign’s much ballyhooed new design to sharpen its message. Would have been interesting to see how many truckloads of flint they were going to use to try and put an edge on that much smoke. Honing fog.
  7. His own staffer warned us. The Etch-a-Sketch has been turned upside down. Prepare to be shaken. Problem is, you keep rebooting something as stiff as Mitt and it starts short-circuiting all over the place. Romney 8.0. Better than Romney 7.0. Now with Desperation.
  8. Maybe it’s the extra large silver spoon in his mouth that keeps him from seeing the view from the middle class. Can’t understand why they don’t pull themselves up by the bootstraps like he did when his daddy loaned him his first million.
  9. With the debates still to come, there’s time to turn this race around. But this far in, it’s like turning the Titanic. After hitting the iceberg. And the helm is underwater. Face it, if Bain Capital were running Mitt’s campaign right now, they’d close it down, fire him and hire some Chinese guy to do it better and cheaper.
  10. 5 time Emmy- nominee Will Durst has a new e- book: “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink. Available at redroom.com or amazon.
  1. October 2012
  1. THE BOLD CHOICE

  2. With the election slipping away like a handful of mercury on a turbocharged Merry-Go-Round, Mitt Romney managed to change the conversation from unreleased tax returns and foreign misadventures by plucking Paul Ryan out of the Wisconsin wilds to be his running mate. “Romney-Ryan.” Short, alliterative and one syllable more conservative than “Obama-Biden.”
  3. The situation appeared so desperate, the choice couldn’t wait until after Closing Ceremonies of the Olympics, forcing the House Budget Committee Chairman to share the weekend spotlight with enough English pop stars to clear out the hairspray aisle at 7 Boots’ drug stores. The Republican Congressman may be famous for his P90x work-out regimen, but the Spice Girls have much better legs. And they’re way older.
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Ryan was universally hailed as a bold choice. Yeah, well, maybe, but bold is not always synonymous with good. Whiskey for breakfast is a bold choice. Spun glass underwear is bold. Forehead dragon tattoos. Passing an 18 wheeler on a blind curve doing 80 in the rain. Incredibly bold. Not necessarily smart.”

  1. Ryan was universally hailed as a bold choice. Yeah, well, maybe, but bold is not always synonymous with good. Whiskey for breakfast is a bold choice. Spun glass underwear is bold. Forehead dragon tattoos. Passing an 18 wheeler on a blind curve doing 80 in the rain. Incredibly bold. Not necessarily smart.
  2. Another white male Christian conservative. That is bold. But only when NOT compared to absolutely anything else. It’s been speculated a major reason for awarding the Wisconsin Congressman prize spot at the bottom of the bumper sticker was to energize the base. And total slam-dunk there. The question is: which base?
  3. Republicans are shaking like a Brazilian supermodel on a Lake Superior beach shoot in January. Only, happier. Haven’t seen them this excited since John McCain hooked up with some governor of Alaska. Meanwhile, Democrats are salivating so uncontrollably, they’d be advised to invest in bibs to keep from soiling their 5 thousand dollar Man of-the-People suits.
  4. A coordinated attack was immediately launched to trash Ryan’s Path to Prosperity budget bill, which replaces Medicare with vouchers. Health care coupons. Why? Because old people love coupons. “I got a coupon. Only four more, we can book an anesthesiologist.”
  5. The Romney campaign instantly counter- accused the President of gutting Medicare to the tune of $700 billion for ObamaCare. So we got that to look forward to: 11 more weeks of the echoing refrain of “You’re killing Medicare,” “No, you’re killing Medicare.” Rinse and repeat. And repeat again. Continue rinsing.
  6. Ryan, a self-professed Ayn Rand acolyte, was forced to denounce his Objectivism hero when somebody on his staff who reads discovered Ms. Rand rejected all forms of religion, which some might infer meant she did not believe in Jesus. You can love one or the other, but not both. Like with Wham!
  7. Allegations also arose that while Ryan ladled scorn onto the stimulus bill, he wrote 4 letters to the Secretary of Energy praising programs and requesting funds for his district. Could this be a fount of flip for Mitt’s famed flop?
  8. Ryan doesn’t do much to help with Romney’s Richie Rich problem either. Wealthy son of a Janesville, Wisconsin highway contractor, he amended his financial disclosure statement in March, having forgotten to include a $5 million trust account. Then again, who among us hasn’t forgotten a multi million dollar trust account? “Now where did I put that pesky Five Mil? Must be in my other pants pockets.”
  9. Difficult to discern whether the GOP Boy Wonder is helping or hindering Willard’s ticket. But if the campaign arc doesn’t start levitating real soon, he might be forced to release some tax returns just to change the conversation. Again.
  10. The New York Times says 5 time Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political comic working in the country today.” Check out the website: redroom.com to buy his book: “Will Durst’s Totally Indispensable Guide to the 2012 Election.” And willdurst.com to find out about stand- up performances. Such as: Saturday August 18th at Angelica’s Bistro in Redwood City.
  11. Also: every Tuesday, Elect to Laugh! @ The Marsh, San Francisco. Only TWELVE, 12, shows left. themarsh.org.
  12. September 2012
  1. PLENTY OF G-20.

  2. And now, your report from the front lines of the G-20 summit recently concluded in Los Cabos, Mexico. And the good news is… no knife fights. Very little broken furniture; and for the very first time in recent memory, the proceedings were judged to be more boring than watching varnish harden, which is considered a huge coup for the host country. So, Viva Mexico!
  3. The G-20 meets once a year and is made up of 15 or 16 of the top 20 countries with the largest economies in the world, excluding Norway, the Netherlands, Spain and a couple others, but including the European Union and some other countries with special ties to the organizers. You know, like in high school. If you help decorate Prom, you know who’s compiling the guest list.
  4. Of course, Spain is allowed to crash the festivities every year even though they’re not actually members. Like the quarterback who gets suspended for the food fight in the cafeteria, everybody loves Spain and is willing to sneak them through the back door of the party. Besides, they always bring the Sangria. And come on: they’re Spain!
  5. An important thing to remember is the huge intractable distinctions between competing governmental conventions. The G-20 has absolutely nothing to do with the G-8, which is made up of 8 of the world’s top 10 economies excluding China and Brazil. And once in a while, the European Union wanders by, but that’s about it. Don’t even think of letting in Spain. We have our own Sangria, thank you very much. And we call it gin.
  6. Like the G-20, the G-8 also meets once a year and was originally known as the G-6 and then G-7. So it would not take that great of a leap to put a couple of Euros down on another eventual name change to G-9. G-Double Digits, right around the corner.
  7. And, as everybody knows, the G-20 replaced the G-33 which itself superseded the G-22, leading to speculation that the G-8 and the G-20 will someday merge and produce a mutant love child to be known as the GG-28 which will meet twice a year and hopefully be as boring as Day 3 of hospital pudding.
  8. This was the seventh meeting of the G-20 and the politics involved were breathtaking in a stupendously vapid way. Then nothing happened. And for nothing to happen on a global scale with markets around the world as precarious as a glass sculpture above a nuclear test site located on an earthquake fault in a sand storm is exactly what everyone was praying for.
  9. An official declaration recognized that agreements may very well be forthcoming but not until a framework can be forged to accommodate international justifications to absolve interested parties of any blame and/ or responsibility. And Greece and Spain were never mentioned by name. But we all know who they are.
  10. Internally, it was heartily agreed that decisive action will definitely be required. Someday. By someone. But not now. And definitely not by anybody here. Then Asia and Latin America quietly bailed out Europe and nobody commented on the ignominy of it all and they all retired to the big balcony overlooking the sea to dance and smoke and drink Sangria.
  11. The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com.
  12. Will Durst every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. themarsh.org. Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.”
  13. July-Aug 2012
  1. AND LUKEWARM WAS HIS NAME-O.

  2. You don’t need a psychoanalyst to detect the latent theme running through the endorsements currently showering Mitt Romney like broken rain gutters pouring down on a concrete toadstool. And that premise is ennui. “Mitt? Really? Yeah. Okay. Whatever.” Makes tepid sound like a crazed bellow. With wild enthusiasm as MIA as World Series Trophies in the Wrigley Field display case. Within the last 104 years, that is.
  3. Someone should warn NASA because we are approaching stratospheric heights of apathy here. The only thing these highly solicited testimonials have accomplished is given a face to listless. The guy needs industrial strength hip waders to slog through the thigh high lethargy.
  4. George W Bush carved a precious three seconds out of his busy schedule to make a momentous announcement from the inside of an elevator telling an ABC news crew, “I’m for Mitt Romney” as the doors closed on him. Not that the candidate-in-waiting was particularly lusting after 43’s imprimatur which some might call the Kiss of Campaign Death. But it effectively does nail down the eminently sought-after spoiled rich kid vote.
  5. Rick Santorum got around to his ringing endorsement 13 paragraphs into a 16 paragraph email sent out to supporters after midnight. The only subterfuge he neglected to employ was to disguise it in semaphoric code. And these are Romney’s big-time Republican buddies. You’d think they were having their teeth pulled with families held at gunpoint on a listing catwalk yawning over an erupting caldera.
  6. It’s been like that ever since the nominee became presumptive. Politicians oozing from the woodwork with the same kind of energetic frenzy fifth grade school girls normally reserve for haggis flavored ice cream studded with garlic pickle chips.
  7. You got to know this is just the beginning of a series of sluggishly recalcitrant pledges of approbation. Here are some other passion-challenged tributes we can expect over the coming weeks.
  8. “Mitt Romney. Had to go with somebody, right?”
  9. “Not the brainwashed Romney. That was his dad.”
  10. “Only 2 of Mitt Romney’s 5 sons think he’s a soulless Cyborg.”
  11. “May be out of touch with the mainstream but looks pretty good tanning on the embankment.”
  12. “Mitt Romney. Hey, it could be worse.”
  13. “Not the kind of guy who would hold you down and cut your hair, unless you really were asking for it.”
  14. “Pretty down to earth for someone building a 57 room mansion with a car elevator.”“Will do for America what he did for Bain Capital.”
  15. “Survived the mean streets of Bloomfield Hills.”
  16. “Hardly ever sneaks out at night to kick homeless guys. Anymore.”
  17. “A man who stands by his previous statements, no matter what they are.”
  18. “Mormons are just like Christians, aren’t they?”
  19. “Mitt Romney. Not that bad, when you consider the alternatives.”
  20. “He’s no John McCain.”
  21. “Going to make the world safe for rich people.”
  22. “Mitt Romney. When good things happen to bland people.”
  23. “He’s Oxymormonic!”
  24. “Hasn’t strapped a dog to the roof of his car in over 28 years.”
  25. “Mitt Romney. He’s got gas money.”
  26. “Never ridden a bus in his entire life.”
  27. “Looks more like Gordon Gekko than Michael Douglas ever did.”
  28. “Mitt Romney. A man who feels strongly about both sides of many issues.”
  29. The New York Times says Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out willdurst.com
    Elect to Laugh! Every Tuesday (thru Nov.). The Marsh. San Francisco. themarsh.org. Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.”
  30. June 2012
  1. PRECISELY PIVOTING POLLS

  2. Now the general election has unofficially begun, you and I and pretty much everyone dear to us, except of course, beleaguered Kansas City Royal fans who eat BBQ at least twice a week, are about to be buried under such a blizzard of polls, we’ll be lucky to evade frostbite burns.
  3. The two campaigns are poised to pivot like a fat kid on roller skates clutching an expiring candy store coupon-based on whatever data they receive from their intensely studied focus groups of potential voters. Because of ongoing leaps in technology and research, this time around, the polling community has gravitated towards something called micro-demographics.
  4. Small nimble groups have replaced the old lumbering matrices of yesteryear. No longer does America have to duck while designations of Soccer Moms and NASCAR Dads are thrown our way: having become hopelessly outdated and appallingly unwieldy due to their exceptionally large sampling. These are tinier tastes, which can be more easily targeted like lasers taking out flies on Wisconsin barn roofs a mile and a half away.
  5. For instance, according to 2008 exit polls, unmarried men unable to program their own DVRs, were 3 percent of the electorate: a group Barack Obama won by 56 percent to 51 percent. But among tall red headed women who wore green on purpose, he lost by a daunting 59 percent to 40 percent. Obviously, you can see the trend, one that does not seem to have abated during this election cycle.
  6. Much has been made, and rightfully so, of President Barack Obama’s commanding lead over Mitt Romney amongst men whose elder brothers entered the military after getting remarried in June, but what must be even more distressing to the challenger is the amount of single divorcees over 50 who Dutch-dated men named Henry and never touched a bite of their entree that prefer the President over the former Governor of Massachusetts.
  7. Interestingly, the widest gap between those who view Obama favorably and those who don’t, lay in the seam populated by shoe salesmen driving 10+ year old Chevy Impalas with rebuilt engines, a figure almost identical to the numbers reflected by Mississippi hairdressers who have taken out restraining orders against bus drivers who are predominantly bald. That these two groups share a margin of error has to be both intimidating and disheartening for the President.
  8. As a point of curiosity, one of the few demographic groups in which Romney’s approval rating is higher than his favorability rating is among seniors living at home who have lost significantly more of their hearing than their teeth. By comparison, 66 percent of seniors in care facilities who suffer from shingles and a history of plantar fasciitis harbor diametrically opposed opinions. Pollsters are still trying to figure out what to make of that.
  9. A seemingly insurmountable hill the president needs to climb lies amongst crotchety old Wyoming heart-transplant recipients with daughters who could bite your head off in a minute. Similar obstacles appear in the numbers of home gardeners whose corn crop has been decimated in the last five years by rootworm beetles, and left-handed tax accountants who refuse to drive in the dark. So, as you can see, it is becoming increasingly apparent which campaign has the upper hand right now. But whether or not they can keep this momentum churning-is anybody’s guess.
  10. The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com. Every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. themarsh.org. Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.”
  11. May 2012
  1. WE’RE ALL MUPPETS HERE.

  2. Not easy being a Muppet. Referring to Greg Smith, formerly of Goldman Sachs, who wrote an op-ed in the New York Times about getting the hell out of Dodge, due to his company’s relentlessly spiraling moral depravity. According to Smith, associates are encouraged to pursue profit above all else, and that includes ripping out the eyeballs of their own billion-dollar clients at the same time they mockingly scorn them as Muppets.
  3. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A complete shocker-big time brokerage firm with little or no conscience. My God. What next? High school prom parties where beer is served? Charley Sheen coming to, on the floor of a Vegas hotel after noon? Drive-through food that tastes like hot damp glued-together bar coasters? Mitt Romney making his own Robo-Calls?
  4. Romney loves to hype his history as a private equity investment banker, so it’s not difficult to imagine him as another of the sucking pods on a waving tentacle of the vampire squid. Wrapped so tightly in the “Me First,” and “Success at any Cost” culture that he squeaks money when he moves. A sound that surely acts as a predatory mating call.
  5. We’re all Muppets to him. On a daily basis Mr. Bain Capital will say or do whatever he thinks might possibly help on the campaign trail. “Pro-choice, I got your pro-choice. Oh wait, not pro-choice, well, then neither am I.” “What happens in the sanctity of one’s own bedroom is nobody’s business. Oh, Yes It Is!” Surprised every time he’s not photographed wearing one of those whiplash neck braces from the twisting and turning necessary to cover his wide panoply of paradoxical convictions.
  6. Recently, this shape shifter comically sucked up to the South pretending to like cheesy grits. Mitt, nothing personal, but if ever there were a non-cheesy grits eating kind of a dude, it’s you. Even while referring to your NASCAR and NFL owner buddies, you still don’t have a song in your heart. Probably consider them nothing more than slightly better constructed sock puppets. More realistic button eyes.
  7. That’s it, isn’t it? We’re all annoying obstacles to be overcome in order to better provide for your family. Who would be well advised not to get too comfortable, if there is anything to be learned from the fate of your valiant Irish Setter, Seamus. Is that going to be your solution to everything: hose us down?
  8. The Politicrats even have a name for our particular kind of Muppetism, They call us Low Information Voters. People not paying too close attention. The ones that pretty much believe every ounce of slop our leaders shovel at us while greedy fingers fiddle at our orbital sockets.
  9. Consider the 50% of Republicans in Mississippi and 45% in Alabama who still believe President Obama is a Muslim. While the hard of hearing think he’s muslin, a loosely woven cotton fabric.
  10. Maybe that’s the ultimate goal of Republican Kingmakers like the Koch Brothers. Get rid of the messy unpredictable human element and create their own Muppet mouthpiece. Fold a spool of muslin into a head shaped ball, stick a hand up it and have it say exactly what they think we Low Information Voters, LIVers, want to hear. Or did they already do that and call it… Rush Limbaugh.
  11. The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com.
  12. Don’t forget “Elect to Laugh!” at the Marsh. Every Tuesday. 415.826.5750 themarsh.org. Special $10 tickets. Use code “vote.”
  13. April 2012
  1. THE AYATOLLAH OF PENNSYLVANIA

  2. Once again, the wacky wheel of destiny takes a mighty spin and the big red pointer lands smack on the name of the next Great White Republican Hope- Rick Santorum. The seventh or eighth candidate to vault into the lead of the GOP sweepstakes primarily because he is not Mitt Romney.
  3. A similar phenomenon has lifted President Obama in the polls for cleverly positioning himself as not a Republican. Poor Mitt Romney, the more people see of him, the less they like him. His best chance to win this thing might be to slip into a coma for a couple months and emerge this August rested and refreshed.
  4. Santorum however, is determined to make the road to Tampa a fight for the soul of America. Unlike some of his fallen compatriots, he doesn’t claim God told him to run for President. Rather, God is running with him for President. And you should know, neither of them is happy.
  5. You could say Santorum is Old Fashioned. But it might be more precise to say he’s Old Testament. Women don’t have rights, they’re baby tunnels for Christ. Birth control is immoral, prenatal testing is depraved and gay marriage is an abomination. And anybody who campaigns in a sweater vest obviously knows a thing or two about abominations. The Ayatollah of Pennsylvania is on a mission to drag this country kicking and screaming back into the 50s. The 1850s.
  6. Doesn’t believe in global warming, evolution or even public education. Actually said out loud in front of people with microphones, “For the first 150 years, Presidents home schooled their kids.” Yeah? So what? For the first 150 years, indoor plumbing was science fiction. For the first 150 years, Presidents were operated on by barbers whose instrument bags consisted mostly of leeches. For the first 150 years, the sheep barn and the living room were the same place. What’s your point?
  7. Addressing contraception on CNN, Santorum’s biggest backer, Foster Friess, said back in his day, girls used aspirin as birth control. Hunh? “Yeah, they stuck it between their knees and tried to keep it there.” A bad 50s joke. And so is Rick Santorum. Mister Rogers with rabies.
  8. He’s so conservative, his globe is flat. To him, erosion is a radical concept endorsed by extreme environmentalists whose phony theology is not based on the Bible. He’s so old school, his idea of progress is smelting a lighter alloy for the buckle on his hat. Wants to return America to its traditional values of burning people as witches because their tomatoes grew too big.
  9. Reciting verbatim from Chapter Four of the conservative playbook, Santorum castigated the press for picking on GOP candidates. What these guys fail to understand is that Democrats don’t waste nearly as much political capital challenging science and logic. Don’t get me wrong, Democrats still say plenty of ludiculous stuff. But not with such vehemence and regularity. Besides, they only got one Joe Biden, Republicans have at least nine.
  10. After the last Republican primary debate, more and more people are beginning to suspect the GOP isn’t just scraping the bottom of the barrel, they’re squeezing the goo from between the staves the leaked out of the bottom of the barrel. Yeah, right. The last debate. Promises. Promises.
  11. The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming performances. Or willdurst.com.
  12. March 2012
  1. HIGH ON THE MAINSTREAM EMBANKMENT

  2. As rare and mythical as the unicorn, it too cavorts amongst the clouds with double rainbows birthing from its unfathomable depths. But instead of worshipful 12 year-old girls, it is conservative politicians who tack drawings of this inamorata on walls above their beds. We’re talking about the legendary… Mainstream.
  3. The message is relatively straightforward. Inside the Mainstream, you will rub elbows with everything that is good and right and true and just about America. Families have 2.4 children, none of whom sport barbed wire piercings or dragon neck tattoos or ever talk smack back. Lawns are broad and green and crabgrass free. And children are cheerfully shuttled to school in orderly processions of grey and beige Minivans. The place to be.
  4. Outside the Mainstream, red turbo hybrids prowl discordantly with hip hop infused rock and roll blasting from after market Korean stereo systems. Uncomfortable shoe choices are flaunted by pregnant teenage girls, while Steve Jobs’ subversive acolytes encourage impressionable minds to “think differently,” actively disrupting the carefully nurtured herd mentality. The place to flee.
  5. Dedication to Mainstream purity extends to within the holy liquid circle as well. Newton Leroy Gingrich castigated Ron Paul for being “totally outside the Mainstream of every decent American.” And Ron Paul is a medical doctor. Apparently the Coast Guard patrolling the Mainstream is ever vigilant.
  6. Then Willard Mitt Romney went and said pretty much exactly the same thing about Newt, which must mean he considers poor Dr. Paul dying of thirst two counties away in some desert of his own moistureless making. And President Obama? Forget about it. He can’t even see the hint of a whisper of a shadow of dampness due to the curvature of the earth.
  7. The obvious intention of Team Romney is to plant Mitt in the soft squishy loam as the sole candidate an ordinary person could expect to meet up with in the middle of the flood plains of normalcy. Preserving the Mainstream as a very exclusive territory. A restricted tributary complete with velvet rope and a couple of hulking bouncers protecting it from the dinghies of the hoi polloi. Sort of a watery gated community. Behind which the Governor seems plenty comfortable.
  8. Only proper God-fearing decent Americans are allowed to soak in the aqueous chestnut that is the Mainstream. The rest of us boundary crossing reprobates are prohibited from enjoying the divine waters and directed to spend summer afternoons splashing each other in shallow muddy puddles.
  9. Of course, even to those who can afford the initiation fee, recent responses from Republican debate audiences indicate that voyaging down the Mainstream is a very expensive way to travel. Exacting heavy-duty psychic dues.
  10. First, crowds booed a gay soldier, then cheered the death of an unfortunate who couldn’t afford health insurance, and finally leapt to their feet to applaud one of the grandstanding creekside tide surfers who ridiculed food stamp recipients.
  11. If loss of your moral compass is a necessary qualification for luxuriating in the surging current of the Mainstream, more than a few of us will be happy to view the entire proceedings lounging high on the embankment. Besides, we have better picnic spreads.
  12. And for those who do decide to soak in the narrow-minded current, you might want to invest in a heated wetsuit because that menacing red tide torrent of the Mainstream looks to be mighty cold.
  13. The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com. Or don’t.
  14. February 2012
  1. TURKEY HOLOCAUST DAY 2011.

  2. Let me be among the first 40-foot helium-filled balloons to kick-start our national parade of giving thanks. That's right, we're just about to butt heads with Turkey Holocaust Day, and to be perfectly honest, its about time. A little tryptophan poisoning might be the perfect prescription for these trying times.
  3. Doubly comforting because this particular holiday isn't about greasing the wheels of capitalism with the fire- hose of consumer debt like that other holiday about a month down the road, which shall remain nameless. And this one doesn't hide under any religious robes either. It's purely about the journey to Comfort City through the Gluttonous Woods. Food, family, friends and football. 4 of the 5 Fs.
  4. So, allow me to express my gratitude for the 4th Thursday of November. One of the little things that goes a long, long way to making life worth living. And here's a couple other examples of what a middle-aged round-headed political pundit bows his head and gives thanks for.
  5. Barack Obama. Because no matter what you think of his policies, you got to admire his ability not to get involved in them.
  6. Dick Cheney. 6 Heart attacks and the man still manages to go on a book tour. How does a guy without a heart, have 6 heart attacks? It would be like Rick Perry contracting a brain tumor.
  7. Rick Perry suffered a 53 second brain freeze during a national debate. 53 seconds. It only took the San Francisco Forty Niners 8 seconds longer to score 2 touchdowns last Sunday. The Niners!
  8. Former Democratic New York Congressman Anthony Weiner who escaped the press by entering sexual rehab. "I'm a sexual addict." Yeah. There's another name for that. We call it-Male. The man is simply suffering from a not so atypical case of Y chromosome poisoning.
  9. Newt Gingrich for refusing to go gently into that good night. Even Brett Favre is saying "give it up, old man."
  10. Herman Cain, whose long-form, cross-country, Fox News audition has exceeded all expectations. Roger Ailes must be so proud.
  11. The Occupy Wall Streeters. The 1% dismiss the Occupiers due to questionable hygiene. Just because you smell odd doesn't mean your message is any less true. The fact they can't afford Chanel No. 5 may be part of the point.
  12. Bill Clinton who refuses to go away. God bless him. Although, President Obama might harbor another opinion.
  13. Michele Bachmann. Her Newsweek cover photo made her look spooky so supporters complained they cherry- picked a creepy looking photo on purpose. Then the magazine put the entire photo shoot up online, asking, "which one would you have picked?" And everybody shut up.
  14. The entire Democratic Party, for failing to realize they're in the middle of a war. Republicans attack them with torches and pitchforks and the Democratic response is to introduce legislation to reform pitchfork safety standards.
  15. The entire GOP, which is waging an internal war for it's very soul. The GOP Soul. Short book. Put it on the shelf right next to Great Democratic Leadership Battles.
  16. Sarah Palin. Who refuses to go away. God bless her. Although, Mitt Romney might harbor another opinion. Or two. Diametrically opposed to each other.
  17. Pat Robertson who called the Republican presidential field too extreme. Pat Robertson blasting his party for extremism. That's like having your drug intervention hosted by Lindsay Lohan. And Charley Sheen is driving the van.
  18. You can't make stuff up like this. See, I'm telling you. Life is good. Thankfully yours.
  19. Check out the website: willdurst.com
  20. December 2011
  1. WEARING MY DEBATE FATIGUES.

  2. Time to sound the alarm on an ominous political epidemic sweeping the nation today. A feverish America finds itself larynx deep in the throes of a severe case of debate fatigue. As evidenced by the most recent gathering of GOP candidates in Nevada, which by any unofficial tally should count as the 367th debate in the past four months with about 519 to go before an actual nominee is grudgingly settled upon.
  3. Nowhere are the symptoms of this malaise more apparent than amongst the participants themselves, who have slowly shifted from irritable to ornery to downright cantankerous. And it's going to take more than a short regimen of low-grade antibiotics to kick this virulent bug.
  4. You could say the last debate got a bit testy. You could also say that girl scouts make ineffective NFL middle linebackers. In nickel coverage. Against Aaron Rodgers. Mirroring the emotions of their constituents, the candidates are starting to get on each other's nerves like somebody else's disco music pinning the red in a bathroom with stainless steel walls.
  5. After Rick Perry accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his lawn, the former Governor of Massachusetts put a condescending hand on the Texas Governor's shoulder and received a look that would liquefy granite. Fortunately, Mitt is made of stiffer stuff. But only the presence of TV cameras kept the two from making a date to meet under the bleachers right after school.
  6. Perry's frustration is evident. The shine on his campaign has faded to root cellar dim partly due to an inability to form a complete sentence in public. Himself admitting, "debates aren't my strong suit." No. Not your strong suit. Weak suit. Leisure suit. Bathing suit. Or birthday suit. Face it, debates aren't your Bermuda shorts. And neither is foreign policy Herman Cain's black socks with sandals.
  7. Michele Bachmann was confused by Libya being part of Africa, and Newt Gingrich may have scuttled his entire campaign by vowing, as nominee, to engage President Obama in a series of seven three-hour long debates. Smooth move. Like telling a man with heartburn you plan on serving nothing but jalapeno burritos for dinner the next two weeks. And the sour cream has curdled. Plenty of Tabasco, though.
  8. The seven nominees in attendance spent the evening snapping at one another like hyenas over the last piece of zebra calf muscle. When the subject of immigration arose, they climbed across their podiums playing king of the hill on who would implement the strictest enforcement. Variously promising to utilize the National Guard, electric fences, predator drones and I think somebody mentioned alligator pits. Domestic alligators, of course.
  9. The experts claim these things are designed to build better candidates. "His new found confidence is a direct result of being hardened in the primary debates." But where does "battle tested" end and Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome begin? Could John McCain's punch drunk staggering be attributed to the head blows he sustained over six months of these internecine conflicts four years ago?
  10. Luckily for everybody, the next debate is more than three weeks hence. Plenty of time to grab some air and arrange a few photo-ops in stately poses such as handing out Halloween candy and voting. Not forgetting the most important presidential business of all, begging for more money. Power ties off. Knee pads on.
  11. The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out the website: Redroom.com to find out more about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
  12. November 2011
  1. TRICKLE UP ECONOMICS

  2. It's all a dance, really. A Democratic president summons the gumption to call for higher taxes on the rich and Republicans cry like third graders having their ice cream taken away and given to the neighbor's dog. Invoking the hoariest of chestnuts; that oldie but goodie; as predictable as mushy green grapes in a fruit salad: The Class War Boogie.
  3. For some reason, it's always a war with these guys. The War on Christmas. Culture Wars. War on Terror. The Crusades. Then they accuse Democrats of being emotionally unequipped for battle. Well, which is it? You can't have it both ways. Actually, you can. It just makes choosing which one to cruelly abandon to the wolves of winter that much more difficult. Or not.
  4. When taxes are raised on the rich, that's class warfare, but when subsidies are handed out to giant corporations who siphon jobs offshore so that rich people can have more money, that's Trickle-Down Economics. What Barack should do is rename his efforts to balance the playing field, "Trickle-Up Economics." That would at least confuse them. Although after watching the last couple of debates, confusion does not seem to be in short supply.
  5. We're not even allowed to call them rich anymore. They're "job creators" now. And yes, jobs are being created. In Mexico. And Vietnam. And China. The American Dream is alive and well, just not here. It's our own damn fault, really. American workers have ruined everything with their irrational demands for safe working conditions and a living wage. Who do we think we are? Stockholders?
  6. Republicans have been as strident as a looped siren in a stainless steel silo in their opposition to a specific Obama proposal called the Buffett Rule, which calls for billionaires like Warren Buffett to pay the same tax rate as their secretaries. The GOP prefers the Jimmy Buffett Rule, which postulates that anybody worried about next month's rent money—start drinking Margaritas until they pass out.
  7. You know what, they're right. It is a class war. The rich started it and their side is winning. They've bombed the middle class into submission burying jobs and pensions, playing chicken at the precipice with default to protect their precious aristocracy from paying one puny penny more in taxes. Cheap. Cheap. Cheap.
  8. 40% of all income gains in the last decade have trickled up to the wealthiest 1%. The richest 400 families in this country control more money than the bottom 150 million people put together. We're moving from Depression levels of income inequality into French Revolution territory. Isn't that Madame LaFarge over there in the corner knitting?
  9. What is it with the rich? How much money do they need? How many cars can one person drive? How many beluga caviar cream cheese canapés can they consume at a single cocktail party? How many silk pajamas with platinum threads can you spill your Dom Perignon White Gold Mimosa on at a time? Okay, three. That's what Hilda is for. One of the things.
  10. And these are the people complaining about a class war? You want rules, how bout the Rolex Tourbillon Rule? Mandating that any job creator wearing a watch worth more than a house who ever mentions class warfare, gets a hose shoved down his throat and goose liver pumped in until pate leaks from their ears. Less war-like. More food-fighty.
  11. The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out the website: willdurst.com to find out more about upcoming stand- up performances or to buy his book, "The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
  12. October 2011
  1. MISTER MUZZLE & NUZZLE

  2. The Republican strategy for 2012 seems simple enough. It's a numbers game. They plan to flood the market. Set up an all- you- can- eat candidate buffet. If you don't like the potential nominee in front of you, try the next steam table. An appetizing aspirant is bound to bubble up. Or not. But at least you're moving around and getting some exercise.
  3. The latest and greatest Great White GOP Hope to throw his hat into the ring is Rick Perry, and its no ordinary hat either; we're talking ten gallon here, folks. It appears we got ourselves another governor from Texas looking to be president. Yep, that's just what this country needs. And species- jumping hookworms. More of those too.
  4. To Texas Democrats, he's "Captain Haircut," and to watch the high ranked coiffure campaign is déjà vu all over again. He's George Bush Lite. And yes, the redundant heights of that phrase are indeed vertigo inducing. Similar to saying… uncomfortable bus seat. Or… disingenuous oil industry spokesperson. Perry is the candidate for those of you who couldn't cozy up to Dubyah due to his intellectual elitism.
  5. Governor Rick himself highlighted this distinction, crowing to supporters that he went to Texas A&M while Bush went to Yale. Ain't that just like a Texan? Bragging about attending a less prestigious school. See, he'd be better for the nation because he's not so smart. And already leading the polls. The Pied Piper of lowered expectations.
  6. Perry claims he only entered the fray because God told him to. Of course, Michele Bachmann says God called on HER to run for President. So, either someone is fibbing, God is off his meds again, or we're talking about two entirely different deities. Begging the question: which god hates America that much? Kali? Pele? The Mighty Thor? Eric Clapton?
  7. The longest serving Governor in Texas history possesses a mouth big enough to match his hat, having accused Fed Head Ben Bernanke of treason and calling Social Security a Ponzi scheme. Not to worry: staffers are proving their mettle with some nifty major league hemming and hawing and harrumphing and walking back that statement faster than a toddler can spit milk through his nose.
  8. Demonstrating his Lone Star kick- buttedness, Perry vetoed a bill banning the execution of mentally retarded inmates, so he doesn't just embrace the death penalty, he nuzzles it. 234 on his watch. Probably can't go to sleep until sneaking a peek at his dog-eared lethal injection technical manual stuck between the mattress and box spring. One of those humane proponents of electric bleachers.
  9. James Richard Perry also gained a bit of notoriety last year when he shot a coyote while jogging. Hate to play tennis with this guy. If he carries a .380 Ruger with hollow points while jogging, you'd always give him the net worried his racket handle had a built- in bayonet. And what does he pack on hunting trips, a Howitzer?
  10. Be interesting to see if Perry can sell himself nationally while still maintaining Texas has a deal with the federal government allowing the state to secede at anytime. Should investigate whether that option is mutual. In the meantime, they're sliding another dish under the sneeze guard. It's smooth and chunky and piping hot. Hey! Is that Chris Christie?
  11. The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out the website: willdurst.com to buy his book, "The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
  12. September 2011
  1. Killer Carnivorous Snails From France

  2. You don't need me to tell you that this country is broke. Not just broke. Flat busted. Unflush. Tapped to the max. No bread or cabbage or scratch to speak of. Moolahless. Holes in our pockets. Fresh out of chump change. Sans simoleons. Hands sparkling clean of any filthy lucre. Moths flying out of our wallets. Lot of red numbers. Flinching from the whistle of the wind over our empty piggy banks. Got us a dearth of dead presidents is what we got.
  3. So it's high time we start acting like it. As has been pointed out by pundits and politicians o'plenty, the guvmint needs to do what normal Merican families do when they run into desperate straits: pretend nothing is going on while we watch reality TV shows and drink lots of beer. No, no, no. Tried that. Didn't work.
  4. First off, we got to stop handing over money to rogue nations that simply use it to buy guns they then turn on us. If we insist on helping these toads out, we should eliminate the middleman and furnish the guns direct. We can buy in much bigger bulk than they, procuring them cheaper, saving bundles of cash. And we taxpayers keep the kickbacks instead of the politicians. Win-win.
  5. Secondly, we should take advantage of this Arab Spring democracy movement. Provides the perfect cover to lay off some of our under performing dictators. Isn't it about time we co-opted a new generation of despots? Since they'd be junior journeymen oppressors, they should cost less. Like major corporations lay off expensive senior executives, we'll replace our pricey aging tyrants.
  6. But we all know it's not enough to make a few minor cuts in the budget, we also have to work on increasing revenue. And I don't mean selling off ancient public institutions like various national monuments or Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Their resale values ain't what they used to be. Although it might help to seasonally adjust the bottom line.
  7. We need to think outside the box. Direct Research and Development to produce and sell something that every American needs. Like an anti SARS serum. The deal is, we engineer and market the antidote now, then fashion a huge penicillin-resistant SARS scare later, and have the FDA approved shot or salve or cream or whatever available at your local pharmacy in time for cold and flu season? Tie-Ming. Not just a city in China.
  8. Doesn't have to be SARS. Could be anything. If SARS is too scary for the squeamish, lay down a few well-placed rumors of rampaging mutant Killer Carnivorous Snails from France and change the product to Fast Acting Snail Repellent. Same formula. Different packaging. Then ratchet up the panic with a bunch of infomercials. You know: news stories. Fox. CNN. Bloomberg. Create an imaginary vacuum and fill it. Worked for the Tea Party.
  9. Even if it does eventually come out the whole event was manufactured, the residual damage would be minimal. What's the worst that could happen? People lose faith in their elected leaders? Oh no. Not that. The government is already lying to us on a regular basis, the least we can do is figure out how to make some money off of it. Got to ask ourselves: What would Microsoft do?The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out the website: Redroom.com, to find out more about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
  10. More: willdurst.com
  11. July-August 2011
  1. RUN, NEWT, RUN!

  2. Out of elective politics for over a decade, dithering on the sidelines like a moody Southern fried Hamlet, Newt Gingrich jumped back into the ring announcing plans to run for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. And for every analyst and every pundit and every satirist everywhere, allow me to say: Hooray! Thank you, kind sir, may I have another?
  3. His re- entrance onto center stage is welcome on many fronts. First off, the guy's name is Newt. Never in the annals of political mockery have we had the chance to make herpetological jokes before or after. And rest assured we will avail ourselves of the opportunity. Expect the phrase Lizard-Boy to reassume a central role in the national lexicon soon.
  4. Then there's his penchant for routinely ratcheting the rhetoric up past eleven. Hundred. Our recent precipitous plunge into polarization can easily be traced to Gingrich's scorched earth ascension in the early 90s. There are no honorable opponents in Newt World, only despicable traitors. Each disagreement, a nuclear war. And anybody who isn't a white male Christian poses a major threat to democracy as we know it and should be vaporized only after having his knees broken as an example.
  5. "Obama is the most radical president in American history and views the citizenry through a Post- Colonial Kenyan perspective." "The gay fascist movement wants to overthrow the government and destroy religion through violence." He's a trash-talking intellectual poseur with the subtlety of a hippo in a tutu.
  6. The good news for Gingrich is that he ranks very high in recognition polls. The bad news for Gingrich is that he ranks very high in recognition polls. The founder and spokesman of Renewing American Leadership comes equipped with more baggage than a Carnival Cruise liner taking on the contents of two stranded sister ships. Might be three people tops in the country whose opinions of the former Speaker of the House haven't solidified like frozen chicken grease.
  7. Love him or hate him, there's no in-between; and that includes his own party. To some Republicans, he's Moses who led them out of the desert to the promised land of taking back the House in 94, for the first time in 40 years. To others he's Voldermort. Sparking an ill-fated government shutdown then resigning under a cloud of ethics violations: some still refer to him as "He Who Must Not Be Named."
  8. Dr. Newton Leroy Gingrich is generally considered an ideas man. Not good ideas necessarily, but big ideas. Accusing enemies of being socialist Nazis. That's new. Also odd ideas, like claiming his adulterous behavior stemmed from loving his country too darn much. So essentially, he did to two mistresses what he wanted to do to us. Thanks ladies. And yet, he attracts evangelical followers with his traditional family values platform. And having three wives just proves he's Extra Traditional.
  9. Gingrich can't win and if he's half as smart as he thinks he is, he has to know that. So, why is he running? To what end? Increased face-time to sell more of his twenty plus books? Can't get enough of the sound of his own voice? Or is his responsibility simply to throw bombs at all the major edifices and let Mitt Romney waltz through the smoldering ruins unscathed? The only problem is, like sweaty nitroglycerine, Mr. Gingrich is highly charged and unpredictable. A human IED. Run. Newt. Run.
  10. The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out willdurst.com to find out about upcoming stand- up performances or to buy his book, "The All- American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
  11. June 2011
  1. BIRTHER BOZOS NEED A NEW NOSE.

  2. By Will Durst
  3. Goaded into action by a nattering of numbskulls, Barack Obama finally released the long form of his Certificate of Live Birth from the state of Hawaii, and hopefully threw the last shovel of dirt onto this inception nonsense, but the suspicion is, no, probably not. As we speak, vanquished Birther Bozos are crawling out of the crypt searching for a new nose to wear. First the short form, now the long form, soon they’ll want to see the director’s cut. Then, on a television near you, the mini- series.
  4. Anything to reinforce the strangeness of the first African American president. “Different than you and me.” “Not a real American.” Explains those silly cries of “We’re taking our country back.” Yeah. From the black guy. What they really want is the 1950s and the front of their buses back.
  5. Don’t think this is over. This is not over. Not by a long shot. People believe what they want to believe. Facts be damned. 30% of the GOP still believes Saddam Hussein was responsible for 911 and weapons of mass destruction are currently cruising the streets of Fallujah disguised as ice cream trucks. Driven by men wearing tinfoil hats.
  6. Obama’s actions spurred some on the Right to charge him with orchestrating this whole distraction to keep the country from the real issues. Wow. The perfect somersault of blaming the hit and run victim for walking alone on a sidewalk late at night. “He attacked my bumper with his chest.”
  7. Others, like Newt Gingrich, refuse to be convinced. “There are still questions.” Yeah, and besides, Obama’s citizenship is due to a technicality, because on August 4th, 1961, Hawaii had been a state for less than two years. Maybe the flippo- units will switch tactics and demand proof he’s not a Muslim. And won’t be satisfied until they see a signed and dated parchment from Allah.
  8. The disgrace is, the President was forced to hold a press conference, not to address the reshuffling of his national security team: but rather… where he was born. His exact quote was: “not going to be able to do our jobs if we get distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers.” In response, the main carnival barker, Donald Trump, claimed to be honored for making the president jump through hoops like a trained Pomeranian. Who also would not be eligible to be president.
  9. The Donald is that kid in high school oblivious to the whole class making fun of him, including the teacher. Faced with the very concrete evidence he insisted on viewing, you’d think he’d find a gracious way to back off, but you’d be as wrong as blaze orange camo. Buffalo chip cookies. Cheesecloth mittens.
  10. The Aerodynamic Coif instead upped the ante to question how a guy named Barack Hussein Obama got into Harvard Law and wants to see his college transcripts, which is a really, really sly way of throwing out the “n” word. Surprised he didn’t use “shiftless.”
  11. We need Trump to provide samples of his DNA to prove he’s actually a carbon- based life form. Show us your hairline Captain Carnival Barker. What’s next: a mole count? Will a committee be empanelled to investigate the number of moles on the president’s body? “Where are they and why is he hiding them? And exactly how many of them are shaped like his socialist supervisor, Cuba?”
  12. The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out Redroom.com to find out about upcoming stand- up performances or to buy his book, “The All- American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”
  13. May 2011
  1. No-Fly Guy

  2. No one said being President was going to be easy. And no one was right. You get yelled at for doing things and you get yelled at for not doing things. Often both times by the same people. Which is kind of like saying, "even when you agree with us, you're wrong." That's a tough hill to climb.
  3. Take Libya. Please. After it became apparent the native uprising against Qaddafi was not going to replicate the successes of Egypt, President Obama got lambasted by Republicans for not immediately leaping tall buildings to help them freedom loving Libyans, like some guy from Texas would have done. Then, from the other end of the same street, the Rip Van Winkle Republican Anti- Interventionists awoke from hibernation and objected to any involvement. Ever. Anywhere. If these folks had their way, they'd take away his passport.
  4. Through a series of delicate negotiations, Barack managed to cobble together an International alliance to enforce a no- fly zone over Libya. Good timing, eh? We finally get most of our boys out of Iraq and boom, up jumps another crisis where we get to carry the democratic load. Superman should have warned us; this superhero thing can get a wee bit tiresome. I guess the deal is, you get used to running two wars, it's not easy trying to get by on just one. Going to have to face it, we're addicted to war. Oops. Don't call it war.
  5. This endeavor, altercation, conflict, campaign, enmity, friendly fracas, (not a crusade) is shaking out differently. At least we don't have to worry about being accused of ulterior motives since there obviously isn't any oil in Libya, oh… uh, scratch that. Wait, I got it. One big difference is we have actual allies this time around instead of imaginary friends. And the coup de gras is the Arab League throwing in with us. An inspired consideration when you insist on invading Arab countries.
  6. Of course this skirmish, dispute, clash, carnage, quarrel, grapple in the sand has nothing to do with Islam or oil, its about, um, promoting democracy and getting rid of a bad guy. So if I were Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, I'd watch my back. The man is obviously harboring weapons of mass seduction. Then again, maybe we'll wait until they find oil in Tuscany.
  7. The oddest thing about this onslaught, strife, contention, assault, incursion, discordant havoc is discovering the biggest problem with having allies is having to work with the allies. Who knew? Not an overly large worry for cowboys with a penchant for going it alone. Should be okay though, since history has shown the French and the English are both easy - going, low - maintenance types. Wonder whatever happened to those shy, retiring Germans? After all, they know North Africa like the back of their hand.
  8. We're calling it Operation Odyssey Dawn, after the girlfriend of some Marine who hung out too long in bars along the shores of Tripoli, I guess. But even with a name like a ship out of the Carnival Line, getting rid of Qaddafi will be no cruise. The guy is nuttier than a U- Top- It Sundae from Dairy Queen. Gave himself a military rank and chose Colonel. Uses his own people as human shields. His name begins with a Q, its not followed by a U, he plays by rules we don't even understand. If that don't spell crazy, time to get a new dictionary.
  9. The New York Times says Emmy nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up and television performances or to buy his book, "The All- American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing" and newest CD "Raging Moderate."
  10. April 2011
  1. THE SLEEVES OF A VEST.

  2. This is but a snapshot. A frozen moment in time, guaranteed to transmogrify on an hourly basis. So, knowing the situation is fluid, here's your Friday budget update and if I were you, I'd find a nice comfy chair to plop down into, because this promises to be more frustrating than translating Sanskrit into Japanese using Morse Code smoke signals in the rain.President Obama released HIS budget plan, which calls for tens of billions of dollars of program cuts mixed with tax increases. The Republicans countered with THEIR plan specifying nine figures of cuts only, and Ron Paul, well, he just wants to invade China, give them a proper thrashing and take all our money back. Meaning that although we're less than two months deep into the 112th Congress, looks like business as usual.
  3. Abstract theory time is over now and actual programs are being singled out for devastation, decimation and elimination, and as we all know: one man's pork is another man's paycheck. But this is about symbolism, not jobs. Tea Partiers were promised $100 billion in cuts and they're going to get $100 billion in cuts, even though Charlie Sheen has a better chance of being appointed St Sebastian's Girls School choir chaperone on a field trip to Vegas than the GOP proposal has of surviving a Presidential Veto.
  4. Nevertheless, Conservatives are cementing their ideological bona fides by rounding up the usual suspects and painting budgetary crosshairs on the faces of their mortal enemies: the EPA, AmeriCorps, Public Broadcasting, and AMTRAK. The ugly little secret being—spending at the Pentagon will rise and nobody needs talk about Social Security or Medicare until experts have analyzed the polls on this present skirmish at least a gazilliondy times.
  5. As expected, folks have taken to each other's plan like a pod of giant squid to hot air ballooning. Obama continues his tap dance down the middle. The Right whines he hasn't cut deep enough and The Left pouts he's gone too far. He compares the GOP strategy to a dieter who vows to lose 30 pounds, and does so by cutting off a leg. And the Repubs fire back he's a girly man scared to make the tough decisions, who could provide better leadership by curling into a fetal position behind the couch licking the cat's butt.
  6. Congress has to pass a spending bill before March 4, or the entire government shuts down, which wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for that whole roads and hospitals and customs and air traffic controllers thing. Everyone agrees the gulf between the two combatants is wide but a new fiscal reality is here to stay and will affect education, security and agriculture, meaning more students per class, fewer cops on the streets and larger pieces of pig hoof in your wiener.
  7. While the adversaries bristle and posture in public like male porcupines in pre- mating heat, Barack remains confident he can find common ground with the GOP leadership in private. Good Luck. Considering the smug intransigence of the Boehner Clan, that sounds like the political equivalent of pinning your hopes to escape a burning building on tying together the sleeves of a vest.
  8. Will Durst is a writer who often tells jokes to drunks in bars. Check him out at Zanies, Downtown Chicago, February 22- 27.
  9. March 2011
  1. THE BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA 2011 STATE OF THE UNION DRINKING GAME!

  2. NEEDED TO PLAY:
  3. • 4 taxpayers of any sex: 1 rich white banker- type wearing dark suit with loosened tie. 2 ordinary folks wearing jeans; 1 in a blue or flannel work shirt, the other in a white shirt, sleeves rolled up. 1 poor bedraggled person wearing clothes that look like they were retrieved from the bottom of a rodeo dumpster behind the animal performer stalls.
  4. • 1 living room with a TV tuned to the State of the Union Address.
  5. • 1 shot glass per person. Everybody brings own, scattering array on coffee table in front of TV. Banker gets first choice for use during game. White shirt picks next, then work shirt. Banker pockets last shot glass as well, and Rags either rents it from him, steals a replacement from the kitchen or drinks out of own cupped hands.
  6. • Ante up 25 bucks. Cash. Except Banker, who tosses in an I.O.U. and Rags who everybody just avoids eye contact with.
  7. • 3 packages of steamed Vienna Beef Chicago style hot dogs in the middle of table with butter grilled buns, tomatoes, onions, and some of that weird neon green relish on the side.
  8. • 1 bottle of bourbon.
  9. • A large stash of beer in cans on ice. Rags gets whatever is on sale, like Heileman's Old Style Ice Light Dry. Banker gets import of choice. Jeans get whatever they want, but have to buy all the beer, bourbon, hot dogs, condiments and carry the groceries by themselves.
  10. RULES OF THE GAME.
  11. Every time Barack H Obama mentions bipartisanship, everybody has to drink 2 shots of beer. If he talks about the lessons of Tucson, the last person to throw their arms in the air, fall to their knees and shout "Hallelujah!" has to drink 1 entire beer.
  12. Everybody has to drink 2 shots of beer whenever John Boehner appears to cry. 1 shot of bourbon if he breaks down sobbing and disappears entirely from view.
  13. Every time Barack H Obama says "Democratic leadership," the first person to stop laughing is exempt from drinking 2 shots of beer.
  14. If either Vice President Biden or the Speaker of the House Boehner is seen nodding off on camera, last person to start singing "Wake Up, Little Susie" has to drink 3 shots of beer.
  15. If the President says the State of the Union is good, but could be better, the last person to eat a fully accoutered hot dog has to drink 1 shot of bourbon.
  16. Whenever the President defends ObamaCare, everybody drinks 2 shots of beer. If he mentions Congress voting to repeal it, drink a whole beer and throws hot dogs at the television. The first person to hit Nancy Pelosi in the head is exempt from having to drink 2 shots of bourbon.
  17. If the President relates a touching heartfelt story of a supporter who was denied a decent education, Rags gets to kick everybody else once. Twice, if the subject of the anecdote is in the audience. 3 times, if he/ she is sitting next to a 2 star general.
  18. Every time President Barack Obama talks about his resolve and adopts a frowny look with his brow all furrowed and stuff, drink 1 shot of beer.
  19. If the Chief Executive winks at or points at Michelle, all 4 players swordfight with hot dogs. Whoever is left with an intact weenie does not have to eat an entire shot glass full of that weird green relish.
  20. If the president mentions the Chinese President by name, the last person to ask "Hu Dat?" has to drink 2 shots of beer.
  21. EXTRAS:
  22. • Optional: Have all players drink with left hand. Unless left- handed. If they are caught drinking with dominant hand, they must watch the entire Republican response and no drinking allowed.
  23. • If the Dancing Baby from Ally McBeal appears on the screen at any time, stop drinking immediately.
  24. •Banker takes home money, shot glasses and bourbon. The I.O.U. is discarded.
  25. •Leftover beer and hot dogs go home with Rags after he/ she finishes washing the dishes.
  26. San Francisco based political comedian, Will Durst, writes sometimes: this is an example. Coming soon from Ulysses Press: "Where the Rogue Things Go!" Pre- order your copy at Amazon. Feedback: durst@westsideobserver.com
  27. February 2011
  1. THE TOP TEN COMEDIC NEWS STORIES OF THE FIRST DECADE OF THE 21st CENTURY.

  2. Believe it or not, an entire decade has passed since the turn of the Millennium. 120 months. One tenth of a century. More than 3600 days. How did that happen? Its harder to comprehend than a faded Kazakhstani street sign tagged by Mongolian graffiti. As we are painfully aware, much ugly stuff occurred during the decade, but what with all the mayhem and turmoil, you might think nothing worth laughing about went down. You’d be wrong. I know. I know. I know. “Not another Top Ten List. ” Yes. Another Top Ten List. Hey, how many ends of the decade does one get in a lifetime? Maybe seven, eight, fourteen if you’re lucky. So, deal with it, because thar she blows: a list of the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of the First Decade of the 21st Century. And not a Paris Hilton or Somali pirate sighting among them.
  3. Kerry- Edwards- 04. Worst campaign ever. And that includes France in 39. Who would have thought Democrats would fondly reminisce about the charismatic Gore- Lieberman ticket?
  4. The Clintons. He got 12 million for his memoirs. She got 8 for hers. Not bad for two people, who testified under oath for eight years- they couldn’t remember a single thing.
  5. Economic Bubbles Bursting. Dot com. Energy. Housing. Summed up best by Enron Ethics manual on eBay whose seller described it as being in “mint condition- never used.” That could have been the problem. Sold- $250.
  6. John McCain. Old warhorse finally gets his shot. Then couldn’t remember how many houses he owned. Turns out he had 8. Every time I get 4 houses I trade them in for a hotel.
  7. Political sex scandals. Vitter. Foley. Edwards. Ensign. Sanford. And Spitzer, the NY Governor who flew a hooker from New York to DC, because God knows there aren’t enough hookers in DC. 535 that I can think of, offhand. Put her up at the Mayflower and gave her 4 grand. That’s a liberal. A conservative will try to get it for free in an airport men’s room stall. Demonstrating fiscal responsibility.
  8. Barack Obama. Half- black President demonstrates America ready to be Afro- curious. People still freaking out. “Born in Kenya.” No, he wasn’t. He was born in Honolulu. In a manger.
  9. Weapons of Mass Destruction. President Bush was misled into thinking Iraq had WMDs because he was provided with faulty intelligence. Yeah, DNA is a bummer. Turns out it wasn’t Iraq with the WMD, it wasn’t Iraq with ties to Al Qaeda: it was Iran. We were so close. Probably just a clerical error.
  10. Dick Cheney. Accidentally shot a guy in the face with a gun and got the victim to apologize. Then again, who among us hasn’t mistaken a 78 year- old lawyer wearing an orange vest for an immense quail?
  11. Sarah Palin. For those of us going cold turkey on George Bush, the former governor of Alaska is like a double dose of methadone.
  12. George W Bush. If Reagan and Quayle had a kid. A Wheel of Fortune President in a Jeopardy world. For 8 wonderful years, he was the Full Employment Act for political comedy. And we welcome him back.
  13. San Francisco based political comic, Will Durst, who writes sometimes, (this being a creditable example) fully expects the next decade to be as fertile, material- wise.
  14. Catch Durst in stand- up mode at The Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show XVIII. Dec. 26- Jan. 1. 6 comics. 7 cities. 8 shows. 2,437 laughs. willdurst.com or 415.820.9628. Facebook. Twitter. Blah- blah.
  15. December 18, 2010
  1. THE TOP TEN COMEDIC NEWS STORIES OF 2010

  2. Please be advised: the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2010 are not to be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2010. They are as different as Lasagna and asphalt. Ear wax and linoleum. A lunch wagon sink trap and nuclear lab clean rooms. Toe shoes and track cleats. Christian Science Ministers and health insurance seminars. Sure, sure, there were more serious stories involving death and destruction and devastation o’plenty but we tend to concentrate more on those narratives that offer a break from the tension. That allow us to view the desolation from the lighter side of the vast dark chasm. Like when Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Elena Kagan and the Chilean miners were disrupted by the Icelandic Volcano from attending the World Cup. A worthy account yes, but alas, not esteemed enough for our list. So here they are, the stories from 2010 that most lent themselves to joshing and kidding and ribbing.
  3. 10. Dick Cheney’s 6th heart attack. How does a guy without a heart have 6 heart attacks? It would be like Rod Blagojevich contracting a brain tumor. Cheney is so evil, Hell keeps spitting him back.
  4. 9. Barack Obama. True to his word, the 44th President managed to unite the country. Against him. Although, the two sides do view him through different prisms. The right sees him as Malcolm X. The left- Urkel.
  5. 8. Christine O’Donnell. Delaware Senatorial candidate claimed she’s not a witch. Then the local Wiccan community denied having anything to do with her. Which probably didn’t lead above the fold on her election eve mailer.
  6. 7. California Gubernatorial Candidate Meg Whitman. A Jerry Brown staffer called her a “ho” and she went ballistic. “Its an insult to all women.” Nooooo, we’re pretty sure it was specific to you. Spends more than a seventh of a billion dollars on her campaign and still cuts her hair with a salad shooter. Go figure.
  7. 6. Glenn Beck. Attempts to reclaim the civil rights movement by holding a rally on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Because isn’t it about time angry middle aged pudgy white guys got a fair shake from society?
  8. 5. Health Care. 2700 pages long. Or 2900. They’re still not sure. Lot of stuff can happen in 200 pages. I’ve read Harry Potter.
  9. 4. The TSA’s new search policy. Just direct me to the agent who didn’t volunteer for the gig.
  10. 3. Sarah Palin. At Tea Party Convention she criticized Obama for over dependency on a Teleprompter while she had notes written on her hand. Which is a 5th grade teleprompter for people who can’t read fast. Every two weeks there’s something with her. Every two weeks, she erupts. She’s like Republican herpes. And I mean that in a good way.
  11. 2. George W Bush’s Autobiography. Decisions Decided by the Deciding Decider. Wherein he talks about how glad he is to be out of Washington. That makes about 310 million of us. Online campaign urges customers to transfer book from Non Fiction to True Crime.
  12. 1. BP Oil Spill. Largest pile of toxic sludge to hit American shores since Ann Coulter’s latest book. Brightside: Able to refuel jet ski midtrip.
  13. San Francisco based political comic, Will Durst, writes sometimes, this being a laudable example, and expects 2011 to provide him with even richer grist.
  14. Catch Durst in stand- up mode at the 18th Annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show. Dec. 26- Jan. 1. 6 comics. 7 cities. 8 shows. 2,347 laughs. willdurst.com or 415.820.9628.
  15. December 12, 2010
  1. TOP TEN CHRISTMAS GIFTS FOR WALL STREET FAT CATS.

  2. It’s the most… wonderful time… of the year. And the most frantic and anxious and mind numbing and expensive. The rewarding part is my on- going seasonal side job as a lumpy elfin holiday gift consultant, where it is an honor and a privilege to be able to pass along some hot tips for this year’s Christmas shopping lists. None of which involve surplus uranium tailings from sales to the Iranians.
  3. There’s still more than a few of us struggling to climb out of financial holes so deep we’re being tickled by the tendrils of redwood roots, but we’re not that difficult to shop for. Dollar coins. Discount clothing. Used food. Lint covered gum and pennies. Roadkill wrapped in the Sunday Funnies. We are the re- giftable.
  4. It’s the other end of the spectrum that concerns me. The least needy of us. Wall Street is shoveling out record bonuses. Again. What to get the person who can buy anything? Perhaps the gifts you’ve lined up for your investment banker friends won’t be considered up to snuff. Well, I’m here to convince you to let those worries go. After all, it’s the thought that counts. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
  5. No, seriously. To ease your stress, we here at Durstco have come up with a catalog of prospective Christmas Gifts that any Wall Street Tycoon would be honored to find under their holiday shrubbery. And who knows, maybe in appreciation, he or she will slide you insider status on the newest IPOs. Probably not, but what the hell, here we go with the TOP TEN CHRISTMAS GIFTS FOR YOUR WALL STREET BROKER BUDDIES.
  6. 10. A peacock. Provides the double benefit of being both the ultimate symbol of excessive extravagance and extremely difficult to care for.
  7. 9. A copy of George W Bush’s autobiography because, during the holidays, everyone can use a good laugh.
  8. 8. A kidney in an ice chest. Purchased from a poor person. Always good to have one lying around just in case.
  9. 7. A Lexus. According to TV, that’s what rich people give each other for the holidays. Don’t forget the big red bow.
  10. 6. A get out of jail free card. No, a real Get Out of Jail Free Card. You must know somebody who knows somebody.
  11. 5. A Faberge Egg. Only 42 are known to have survived. Go for it. Check out eBay. Or call Meg Whitman direct.
  12. 4. A pair of Bernie Madoff’s underwear. Or just frame any old pair of size 36s and say they’re his. Its what he would have done.
  13. 3. A signed first edition of Tom Wolfe’s “Bonfire of the Vanities” because nothing else says, “Master of the Universe” quite like it.
  14. 2. A US Senator. Oh sure, they probably already have one socked away, but who’s ever thrown out a Senator because they went bad? Not Congress.
  15. 1. A soul. Odds are, they’ve sold, misplaced or ruined theirs. Just realize in advance they’ll probably sell, misplace or ruin this one as well.
  16. Will Durst is a San Francisco based humor columnist who frequently tells jokes. Out loud. On purpose. In front of people. Who laugh. Ideally.
  17. Catch an example at the Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show XVIII, December 26- January 1.
  18. December 4, 2010
  1. DON’T TAZE MY JUNK, BRO.

  2. One thing you can say about this whole TSA enhanced pat down mess: nobody will ever board Virgin Airlines again without ruefully grimacing. Folks are flipping out like wolverines bouncing off of submarine trampolines over new regulations requiring a prospective flier to submit to having his or her naughty bits exposed for all the world to see, or else agree to a groinal groping that would have our ancestors’ fathers brandishing shotguns outside of rural chapels or contemporary school children showing Federal Marshalls on the doll where the nasty agent put his hands. “Bad touch. BAD TOUCH!”
  3. Most troublesome is not the compelling of passengers to slide into second base with complete strangers but rather the suspicion these decisions are being made on the fly with little forethought. Flight crews are subjected to the same sub rosa muggings. Face it, you and I, we don’t know nothing, but even we can figure out pilots don’t need explosives up their butt to bring down an aircraft when a second double bourbon at the airport bar will suffice.
  4. Equal representation under the glove would also be nice. VIPs are exempt from screening, but nobody will divulge who qualifies as a VIP. That’s classified. Isn’t everything? We’re in the thick of classified creep. How long before it’s illegal for civilians to videotape pat downs due to “national security;” the federal equivalent of “Because I said so, that’s why.” Not to mention arresting so- called comedians for talking trash. “Don’t taze my junk, bro.”
  5. The recent bleating from the front lines of the security wars is an indication the natives are restless. Business travelers have tired of securing our safety through their captive inconvenience. Then again, 50% of the people experiencing the procedure are in favor of it. Must be part of that large segment of society that enjoys having their inner thighs pawed and genitals, butts and breasts felt up. Me, not so much. I’ve had less intimate fifth dates.
  6. The flying experience is in the throes of a death spiral, from the evaporation of our nuts and pillows and checked baggage to shedding shoes and surrendering fluids and providing peeks under our underwear to being frisked like common criminals. Where does it stop? What happens when some flippo- unit tries to blow something up with zipper shaped plastique? Will only the Amish fly? A single button bomb could result in us all wearing robes and then the terrorists do win.
  7. How soon before we add body cavity searches to the casual molestations in our pre flight check- lists? Precipitating few outcries even when the airlines try to make some extra coin by piggy backing prostate exams. In the meantime, we fly the overly friendly skies and do whatever they want of us cattle and sheep: bend and cough and walk a little funny and act like nothing happened. More static and drool.
  8. In the meantime, just direct me to whichever TSA screener didn’t volunteer for the job. And no ex- priests if you please. I might even wriggle and giggle and blush and bloom and slip the man attached to the blue rubber glove a card. Hey, they’re intent on creeping us out, why not return the favor? One last question: are we supposed to tip, or only if there’s a happy ending? Least they could do is provide a well- ventilated room for a post encounter cigarette.
  9. Will Durst is a San Francisco based humor columnist who frequently tells jokes. Out loud. On stage. In front of people. Ideally.
  10. Catch an example at DC’s Funniest Celebrity at the DC Improv, December 2, and Rancho Nicasio on Sunday, the 5.
  11. His new CD, “Raging Moderate,” now available from Stand Up! Records on iTunes and Amazon.
  12. Early next year: “Where the Rogue Things Go!” From Ulysses Press.
  13. will durst
  14. November 27, 2010
  1. THANKSGIVINGS OF YORE.

  2. The 4th Thursday of November is definitely the bestest holiday. Food, Family, Friends and Football. 4 of the 5 Fs. I most fondly remember the Thanksgivings of yesteryear. The big old family reunions, which I looked forward to, until about five seconds after I hit the driveway, then it all comes back… why I left home. And they always made me sit at that stupid fold- up cardboard kids table. Never got to graduate to the wooden table because none of them would die. Darn medical advances.
  3. Thanksgiving was my mother’s designated holiday and she thought she was cooking for the Eighth Tank Battalion. Every year she’d seek out a mutant poultry farm and buy a turkey the size of a La-Z-Boy recliner, so it was turkey for weeks. Turkey till YOU trot. Turkey sandwiches, turkey salad, turkey ala king, turkey shakes, until finally, turkey carcass in hot water. Soup? No, Ma, it’s skeleton juice. Gobble till you wobble.
  4. These were potluck occasions, with every family responsible for schlepping their version of a vision of a side dish. Lime Jell-O with olive shreds in it. Because green food is nutritious food. Oyster raisin dressing. Lamb pudding. Creamed rutabaga. Beet pear slaw. Hollowed out pickles filled with ranch dressing and cheese curds. Herring balls.
  5. Thirteen bean salad. No, I wish I were making this up. I had no idea there were 13 different types of edible beans. I had no desire to eat them all at one sitting. I certainly would not have chosen to be in a houseful of 23 other people who had eaten 13 types of edible beans. “Crack a window, Billy. Well, break it then.” Candle flames turning blue all over the house. “Methane is our friend.”
  6. Dinner is delayed because my mother’s sister is late and four assembled families who last ate at breakfast are taunted by the fowl perfume of a roasting turkey for six hours and as frenzied as coyotes suspended over a yard full of wounded bunnies. All of the nuts and chips and some of the throw pillows and smaller children have long since disappeared.
  7. My aunt finally arrives accompanied by her bizarre mystery food. Seems innocent enough; a glass Pyrex dish with tinfoil on top. International symbol for normal food, I believe. But no, it’s a food ruse. A culinary ambush. Lift the foil and this stench shoots straight up. Ceiling tiles curling at the edges. Three rooms away watching football, grown men go “the hell was that?” Children crying uncontrollably, “Daddy, I’m scared.”
  8. A greasy grey mass that appeared to be boiling, but is nowhere near any apparent heat source. Round misshapen objects floating to the surface. Nobody would go near it. Somebody made a feeble attempt and the spoon broke. Mom elbows me in the side: “Billy, try some of Aunt Hoogolah’s Dupamouche.” “Okay, Ma, let me get a separate plate.” The old separate plate trick. We lost more animals that way.
  9. The evening ends with two matriarchs locked in a mortal death clinch, bumping bellies on the back porch with 100 mm. menthols dangling from their mouths while their spouses trade wild drunken blows on the driveway and the kids pelt them with greasy poultry bones from behind raked piles of leaves. Aah, memories. And that was way back in 2009. Some traditions never die. This year, I’m bringing the Dupamouche.
  10. Will Durst is a San Francisco based humor columnist who frequently tells jokes. Out loud. On stage. In front of people. Ideally.
  11. Catch an example Thanksgiving Week all over the Milwaukee area.
  12. The Safe House on November 23, 24 & 28, 414.271.2007, Paolo’s on the 26, 414.727.9332, and the Railroad Station in Saukville, 262.284.3990, on the 27.
  13. Then DC’s Funniest Celebrity at the DC Improv, December 2, and Rancho Nicasio on Sunday, the 5.
  14. His new CD, “Raging Moderate,” now available from Stand Up! Records on iTunes and Amazon.
  15. Early next year: “Where the Rogue Things Go!” From Ulysses Press.
  16. November 21, 2010
  1. DECISIONS DECIDED BY THE DECIDING DECIDER.

  2. You have to marvel at George W Bush’s audacious return to the national stage not to mention his curious timing. After all, there wasn’t what you would call an overwhelming popular demand clamoring for his reappearance. Apparently even putative war criminals got to make a living. But it’s going to take more than one media blitzing book tour to scrub his image. For that he’ll either need another two or three decades of restorative exile or a wire- mesh scouring pad the size of Albania.
  3. Here comes the New Bush, just like the Old Bush. The first volume of 43’s memoirs (oh, there will be more) has been released and though you know in your heart he wanted to call it “The Great Decider” or “Decisions Decided by the Deciding Decider,” cooler heads prevailed at Crown Publishing Group simply titling it, “Decision Points” as told to George Bush by Dick Cheney. No. I just made that last part up. And neither is Amazon bundling the autobiography with “My Pet Goat” but it’s a fiendishly good idea.
  4. Not sure who edited this puppy, but odds are they burned through about 4 spell checks. Ironically, he’s got a long way to go to live up to the standards set in previous Bush Family tell- alls especially the one penned by his mother’s dog. Booksellers will surely decide which section to stock the volume geographically. In Dallas, it will go under Biography. DC, Current Events. San Francisco, Horror. And New Orleans, True Crime.
  5. To be honest, it’s kind of creepy to see Laura’s husband plastered all over the tube again after a two year sabbatical. Like Hollywood rebooting a particularly gruesome series of “Nightmare on K Street” movies. Can’t be easy for him either, flacking 512 pages of redacted reminiscences with an approval rating hovering around the level of “go to snake belly and dig,” but that’s show biz.
  6. This collection of recollections or more precisely, lack thereof, is about as revealing as an aerial view of an underground bunker. Like a negligee on your grandma. You’re afraid of what you might see but can’t help looking. No problem. To say this print revival effort is not big on revelations is like implying moles don’t need sunblock. Then again, maybe it’s a continuation his own personal, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Then Lie, policy. George Bush and introspection: Not a match. The board goes back.
  7. He does nail a colloquial tone in this tome leading off with a self- deprecating tour of his storied misspent youth. Then takes too much time whining about the churlish noise of politics, oblivious to the fact that his good buddy, Karl Rove is responsible for adding numerous decimal points to the decibel damage. Goes on to speak about how happy he is to be out of Washington, and with all due respect, may I say sir, that makes 310 million of us.
  8. Throughout the book, Bush clings to the notion that waterboarding is legal and not torture (cuz a guy said so) which should hold a measure of solace to the segment of the book reading public who would rather be waterboarded than read this unapologetic self- serving hogwash. Although admittedly, compared to other presidential self chroniclings- not half bad. Definitely two steps above the expected “I Can Haz Prezidenzy?” Crayons sold separately.
  9. Will Durst is a San Francisco based humor columnist who frequently tells jokes. Out loud. On stage. In front of people. Ideally.
  10. Catch an example at The Bell Theater at Angelico’s Restaurant in Redwood City on November 13th.
  11. November 19th at Live Wire Radio, livewireradio.org, and Saturday November 20th at the Bagdad Cafe, 503.467.7521, both in Portland, Oregon.
  12. & Thanksgiving week all over the Milwaukee area. Safe House, Paolo’s & the Railroad Station.
  13. His new CD, “Raging Moderate,” now available from Stand Up! Records on iTunes and Amazon.
  14. Early next year: “Where the Rogue Things Go!” From Ulysses Press.
  15. will durst
  16. November 14, 2010
  1. NOT A POST APOCALYPTIC WRAP UP.

  2. First things first. This is a post election wrap-up. Not a post- apocalyptic wrap-up. Yeah, the GOP did well. After a change in Administrations, the minority party won a bunch of House seats in the following midterm election. Ho hum. Whoop ti-do. BFD. In itself, this is about as unusual as a piquant odor emanating from the dumpster behind a fish market.
  3. Happened to Reagan: 27 seats in 82. To George HW Bush: 31 seats in 1990. Clinton: 54 seats in 1994. Would have happened to George W Bush if Nine Eleven hadn’t gone down the year before. It’s a natural contraction. Democracy’s labor pains. Only the gestation period is a bit longer, the soreness more lingering and felt thousands of miles wider.
  4. Like Newt Gingrich before him, John Boehner will discover that conducting the train is different than throwing bottles at the train. Fortunately for him, it’s a train, not a bicycle and he can run right over the broken glass. Because there’s about 2 billion dollars worth of it from untraceable sources lying on the tracks.
  5. The GOP’s biggest problem might have been inviting the Tea Party into their house. Its one thing to chuckle at the antics of the red headed stepchildren acting up at the backyard barbecue, and another entirely after they move in and you attempt to carry on a conversation with other adults while they persist on waving pitchforks and torches, poking and scorching the ceiling. “Could you keep it down to a dull roar, please? We’re trying to watch ‘Lobbyist Idol’ here.”
  6. Admittedly the number of seats changing hands this time around was a bit high. North of 60. About fifteen percent of the total lower body. Erasing Democratic gains of 06 and 08 combined. But look at the bright side. Ummm. Unh, no. Not that. Wait. Ummm. Okay. Got some. The Democrats can book a smaller banquet room for their Freshman Class Induction Party. No more need to stock up on those 50 pound bags of Blue Dog Chow. Franking costs go way down with shorter Christmas card lists.
  7. You could make a good argument the Tea Party is responsible for throwing one House of Congress into the GOP’s column and another out of it. The wrestler’s wife lost. Christine O’Donnell may not be a witch but neither is she a US Senator. Same with Sharron Angle, except for the witch part. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was preordained to lose and to lose bad to any halfway decent opponent. But as luck would have it, he didn’t face one.
  8. The red tide seemed to congeal after hitting the Rockies. California, Oregon and Washington avoided the brunt of the anti- incumbent wave. Most likely due to the fact that the weather is nicer, giving Hope and Change a longer shelf life.
  9. Don’t be distracted by the parties incessantly trading bipartisan air kisses. Like the handshake before the first round of a prize- fight, it’s simply a ritual and nobody expects any true civility. When the Administration says they want to work with Boehner and McConnell, they do. The way a five year old with a magnifying glass wants to work with ants. Same goes for Republicans. Sure, they’re offering up an olive branch now, but be real careful; might just be a painted paralyzed asp with the anesthetic timed to wear off on January 8th.
  10. Will Durst is a San Francisco based political humor columnist who frequently tells jokes. Out loud. On stage.
  11. Catch an example at Rooster T Feather’s in Sunnyvale Nov 4- 7. roostertfeathers.com/ 408.732.7781.
  12. The Lark Theater in Larkspur on November 12th. 415.924.5111
  13. The Bell Theater at Angelico’s Restaurant in Redwood City on November 13th.
  14. Coming up: Portland & Milwaukee.
  15. His new CD, “Raging Moderate,” now available from Stand Up! Records on iTunes and Amazon.
  16. Early next year: “Where the Rogue Things Go!” From Ulysses Press.
  17. will durst
  18. November 7, 2010
  1. DON’T VOTE.

  2. Don’t Vote. You don’t have to. No one’s going to make you. This isn’t the Soviet Union. You won’t be forced from your beds and dragged to the polls against your wills. Relax. Take a chill pill. Let it go. It’ll all be fine without you.
  3. Things are pretty good the way they are, aren’t they? Well, okay, some stuff could be better. Then again, could be worse. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And if it is broke, leave it alone; who knows, maybe it’ll fix itself. Or let someone who knows what they’re doing fix it. What if you make things worse? How would you feel then? Not good, I bet.
  4. It’s a pointless exercise. You’re only one person. What possible difference could a single vote make? Forget Florida. That was a long long time ago. Ancient history. You’re not going to change anything. They ignore you. You ignore them. And everyone knows those absentee ballots are impossible to fill out and they don’t fit in the envelope and then you got to find a post office and a lot of them aren’t even open anymore.
  5. Besides, you’ve seen the ads. Who could vote for any of these people? According to the television, they’re all crooks. Corrupt agents working for special interests connected to the Chinese government or representatives of a dark criminal conspiracy whose ulterior motive is to enslave our children and extort money for tropical junkets so they can cavort with naked room service waiters.
  6. They’re all alike. There isn’t a dime’s worth of difference between them. It’s like choosing between slamming your fingers in a car door or slicing a three inch deep gash in your thigh with a rusty screwdriver. Anybody who can be elected, shouldn’t be. The inmates are running the asylum. It’s just a puppet show. Don’t you realize you’re being played? Politics is fixed, man. The Tri Lateral Commission runs everything. If voting were actually effective, they would have been made it illegal by now.
  7. It’s all so confusing. Not just the lesser of two evils. More like the evil of two lessers. You’re supposed to know whether some barren deserted beach does or doesn’t get blanketed by a thick film of 30- Weight because of offshore drilling? Find another beach. What’s the big deal? What do you care if your 401k is now a 100.25k. You’re not planning on retiring soon, are you? Good. Best not.
  8. Don’t you have better things to do than stand in line in some smelly garage? Jog on over to your neighborhood library during the hour its operating and read up on other people who never voted, although admittedly they didn’t write a lot of histories. You could work on that extra room for Grandma for when she moves in after the nursing home loses its subsidized funding. Or wave bye- bye to the paramedic unit and rec center while taking a farewell trip on your local mass transit system. That would be fun.
  9. No one’s going to blame you. Who’s to know? If voting is a right, so should not voting be a right. For some people Tuesdays are just biorhythmically bad. Don’t vote. Stay home. Who cares? But remember, if you don’t vote, you can’t bitch. And you do do plenty of that, don’t you?
  10. Will Durst is a San Francisco based political humor columnist who frequently tells jokes. Out loud. On stage.
  11. Catch an example November 1 at the Rrazz Room. 222 Mason St San Francisco 94102. therrazzroom.com. 415.394.1189.
  12. Rooster T Feather’s in Sunnyvale Nov 4- 7. roostertfeathers.com/ 408.732.7781.
  13. The Lark Theater in Larkspur on November 12th. 415.924.5111
  14. The Bell Theater at Angelico’s Restaurant in Redwood City on November 13th.
  15. His new CD, “Raging Moderate,” now available from Stand Up! Records on iTunes and Amazon.
  16. Coming next year: “Where the Rogue Things Go!”
  17. October 30, 2010
  1. HELEN KELLER’S MUSHROOMS

  2. The precise word to explain this season’s big new trend in campaign financing is obliviousness. Earlier this year, the Supreme Court ruled that everybody is allowed to give as much money as they desire to anybody they choose and absolutely nobody needs to know about it. The upshot of which has all of America knee deep in the oxymoronic spectacle of a very expensive free- for- all.
  3. In a flash, We, the People, have become Helen Keller. Blind. Deaf. And Dumb. With an emphasis on the latter. Because nobody cares. La di dah. Makes no difference where these surreptitious tsunamis of decoy dollars are originating from: religious nut jobs, public service unions, defense contractors or foreign benefactors trailing behind them leaky puddles of nuclear radiated waste. Off shore. Under shore. Paulie Shore. Sho nuff is fine.
  4. This de- reform has rendered us totally incognizant of which profligate special interest group is spending how much money for what candidate or why or when or where it’s given. And our collective response is to care less than a whale about rain. Orwell was right: Unenlightenment is strength. And with it comes the understanding of what it’s like to be a mushroom. Kept in the dark and fed compost. We revel in the delicious bewilderment of knowing influence peddlers are scurrying around shadowy crevasses like cloaked cash cockroaches and the light switch is broke.
  5. What happened was, way back in the bad old days, Nixon committed the cardinal political sin of getting caught abusing campaign funds, so post- Watergate, Congress was shamed into replacing hard money with soft money which slowly turned into liquid money but now the floodgates have opened and that marvelous misty money is morphing into magic money, soon to transform into virtual money until Steve Jobs figures out a way to beam commercials straight into our heads. And if that prospect doesn’t drive you right into downtown Crazy Ville, then you were hitchhiking in its suburbs to begin with.
  6. There are plenty of reasons why patrons would want to remain covert. They’re shy. Afflicted with an unsightly rash. Currently enrolled in the Witness Protection Program. Breaking in a new toupee. Still haven’t recovered from that ghastly spill in Gstaad. Still haven’t recovered from that ghastly spill in the Gulf. But few of those excuses contribute to the public interest.
  7. We are painfully aware that our politicians are, how do I put this delicately, beholden to certain large contributors. A polite way of saying “hookers with the appetites of hippopotamuses in heat.” But now the ante has been raised higher than a giraffe’s ear. More ghost money means larger favors rewarded with a wider roped off space at the public trough forcing the rest of us to crowd around the short rutted end. Knee- pads are destined to become standard issue behind every Congressional desk. If they aren’t already.
  8. The scariest part is, we’re only seeing the tip of the secret donor iceberg and the Ship of State’s wheel has been splintered. If this flood of clouded currency proves successful, there aren’t enough lifeboats in the Pacific Fleet to rescue us from of these perilous waters. So you might want to whip out your shark resistant water wings. Only one thing puzzles me: if ignorance truly is bliss, why ain’t I happier?
  9. Will Durst is a San Francisco based political humor columnist who frequently tells jokes. On stage. Catch an example October 25, and November 1 at the Rrazz Room. 222 Mason St San Francisco 94102. therrazzroom.com. 415.394.1189. At the 142 Throckmorton on Oct 24.And Rancho Nicasio on Oct 31.Rooster T Feather’s in Sunnyvale Nov 4- 7.The Lark Theater in Larkspur on November 12th.
  10. October 23, 2010
  1. DON’T GOT MILK.

  2. Hey guys, Will Durst, your candidate for Lieutenant Governor from the State of Confusion, here to warn you about a dangerous conspiracy being foisted on an unsuspecting American public. A malignancy so embedded, it is guaranteed to be lurking in your refrigerator right now. Poised to poison your person. Yes, I’m talking about the terrible torment that is… Milk. Heifer Hooch. Guernsey Juice. Raw, skim, 2%, whole, condensed, evaporated or goat. Its all the same thing: depravity in a glass.
  3. Because he’s bankrolled by fat cat, out of state dairy bosses, my opponent doesn’t want you to know that Milk is responsible for more damage to this country than any other liquid. And contrary to the wishes of Ordinary Americans, he continues to support corrupt and unconscionable Milk subsidies. Think of it: our military forced to kill the enemies of freedom using outdated technologies just so entrenched special interest groups like public school kids can drink Milk.
  4. Simply by ridding our nation of this terrorist fluid, we could generate jobs, decrease the deficit, stop wasteful spending, keep Sharia law from being implemented in suburban municipalities, and improve the education system to insure our children a brighter future with the triumph of the free market over socialism. Outlawing Milk would also improve our air and water quality and nourish families by inhibiting male pattern baldness and erectile dysfunction. Rather than wasting the malevolent opalescence, I suggest we exhaust current inventories by bathing in it like 30s starlets.
  5. This isn’t just about Milk, but its seditious sisters as well, butter and cheese, not to mention, sour cream. Milk causes phlegm, chalky tongue, bloating and the humiliation of adults photographed wearing Milk mustaches. Most experts agree that Milk is the ultimate gateway drug. 99% of all heroin addicts began their descent into substance abuse hell by initially succumbing to the temptations of Milk. Excepting the lactose intolerant. Or as I like to call them: the Lucky.
  6. Ask yourself, where does Milk come from? Mostly cows. Passive and ubiquitous, scattered over the countryside, watching and waiting like bovine sleeper cells. Till the cows come home? Yeah, with state secrets. Mad cow disease? That’s Milk in a nutshell. Cry over spilt Milk? No, rejoice. What about female human breasts? Do I have to remind you how obscene and opposed to everything pure and holy they are? Didn’t think so.
  7. My opposition sneeringly refers to Milk as “The Perfect Food,” but try drinking as little as 3 gallons in a day. You’ll die. Doesn’t sound so perfect to me. Sure. Sure. At first glance Milk seems innocuous enough with that soft white milky appearance, but think how quickly this substance can turn dark and foreboding with the simple addition of a few tablespoons of chocolate. Something else they won’t tell you: Milk was the name of a known San Francisco Supervisor and practicing homosexual. Ever hear the phrase, “Milked him dry.” Not a pretty thought, is it?
  8. Don’t be fooled by this plague of protein’s propaganda. Nothing less than the future of this country is at stake. Pasteurized is just another way of saying fluoridated. From now on, whenever you see one of those Got Milk ads, just remember, it might as well read, Got Infantilizing Pinko Perversion? And if you vote for my opponent, you’ll have it in spades. I’m Will Durst and I approve this ad. Paid for by The Committee for Goodness and Decency.
  9. Will Durst is a San Francisco based political columnist who frequently tells jokes. On stage.
  10. Catch an example of which, October 18, 25, and November 1 at the Rrazz Room. 222 Mason St San Francisco 94102. therrazzroom.com. 415.394.1189.
  11. In Oconomowoc, Wisconsin at the Arts Center on Oct 23.
  12. 142 Throckmorton on Oct 24.
  13. And Rancho Nicasio on Oct 31.
  14. His new CD, “Raging Moderate,” now available from Stand Up! Records on iTunes and Amazon.
  15. Coming next year: “Where the Rogue Things Go!”
  16. October, 17 2010
  17. Older Durst Columns
  18. Will Durst Website